A New Narrative for 2012

I've pondered what to write about as I close out this year.  Resolutions aren't my thing, neither are clichés, so for a moment I was at a loss.  Thanks to a wonderful sister-friend Sybil Bowick, who sent me a link to a video, I have written the following:

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When the movie For Colored Girls came out in 2010, I remember my sister Brenda saying that one thing she got from the movie was that every day we make choices; and when we make choices that give other people in our lives power we cannot blame anyone but ourselves.  For the duration of 2010 and 2011, I kept this in my left cerebrum and retrieved it often. 

Not that I haven't been a serious and critical thinker all my life, but in the last few years, I have found that thoroughly thinking through my choices and how they will benefit or hinder me (and do the same for others) has enriched my life ten-fold.  Probably, one of the most significant benefits of implementing a different way of thinking is the fact that my self-esteem and the value that I see in the person that I have grown to become have also been strengthened.

For many of us, we journey through life pointing the finger of blame at everyone around us because of our failures, inability to conquer obstacles and revelation that after years we have not accomplished anything on our goals or bucket list.

As women, the discourse surrounding who we are and what we should be is so deeply rooted in stereotypes that we let these things stagnate us.  Instead of rising above, we tend to fall in line and march with all of the other female soldiers. For example, we go like the Energizer Bunny because we do not feel like we can retire the Superman cape. We overcompensate because we feel guilty about being working moms.  We over accessorize and load up on foundation and the latest MAC cosmetics because the world says that is what makes us beautiful and sexy.  We do other duties as assigned at work (while some of our male colleagues won’t) and somehow we figure out how to make it work and still be at soccer, football, basketball and piano lessons on time!  Guilty as charged!

In the video that I referenced at the beginning of this blog, the author, Ariana Proehl speaks about the Death of the Single Black Woman Narrative. My charge to you, as hers was in the video, is to create a new narrative for 2012.  One in which the world sees you putting yourself first. A narrative in which others see you making decisions that benefit you and that are empowering.  A narrative that allows you to rip off that Superman cape and scream to the top of your lungs for help when you need it; a narrative that encourages others to look at women from an open, respectful, objective and ethical perspective; and narrative that forces people to see you as an individual.  A narrative of this nature may seem selfish, but when we take care of ourselves first, then and only then can we put our best foot forward in terms of taking care of others.  At the end of the day, as wives and mothers, that is the job that we have committed ourselves to, thus we must make the investment to do it well.  The investment starts at home.

While what I have written screams of psychoanalytic feminist thought, I do not profess to follow any fundamental feminist theories, but as a social scientist by trade, I do embrace the idea of empowerment, respect and social change.

This year, should be one in which your life is better than before because you choose to make it that way.  2012 should be filled with moments of smelling the flowers, taking time out for YOU, laughing when you can’t do anything else, crying when you need to, and sometimes just sitting in silent thought (oops, I couldn’t escape the clichés).

It is not going to be an easy journey…if God made it so, we wouldn’t have faith, but take one day and a time and make 2012 the best year ever.

 PS:  Check out Ariana Proehl's Youtube Post

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFYtkJfphOQ&feature=email

When Life Isn't Fair

Me and my #2 son Madison

My son recently auditioned for his first school play. For five days, we listened to him practice his lines and sing one of the songs from Alice in Wonderland...the Musical. He was pretty excited about the opportunity to audition even though I talked him down from auditioning for the part of the Mad Hatter because of the magnitude of that role.

Audition day arrives and the pods in the school were filled with students ready to audition. Luckily enough, Madison had an early audition time, so he only had to wait about 2 hours. On the ride home, he said that he felt good about his audition, even though his voice was low during some of the speaking parts.


The follow Monday when the cast was posted Madison's name was nowhere to be found. Although he wasn’t sad about not making the cut, one thing that he was puzzled about was the fact that the musical director and ever teacher that had a child audition for the play made it.  The musical director’s daughter even captured the lead role! Madison did not recognize this as being ‘unfair’ but I certainly did.

My first impulse was to call the principal and just inquire about this, as Madison told me that during the play orientation students were told that just because kids auditioning had parents that worked at the school didn’t guarantee them a part in the play. My husband interjected and told me that although it wasn’t fair that this is indeed how life is.  He went further to say how our son’s always get to play the entire basketball games, as their dad is the coach.  This was an eye-opener, as I never really thought about how other parents on the basketball teams must feel, seeing our son’s play entire games while their children ride the bench or get limited playing time.

It seems as if we can deal with life being unfair, until that hand is dealt to our own kids.  After much reflection and discussion with other parents, no phone call was made, but I sat down with Madison and told him that sometimes in life what may be unfair to others, whether it is by way of nepotism or long-standing friendships may have its benefits to the individual on the receiving end of the opportunity granted.  I told him that in my life I’ve been the beneficiary of some of these gifts; every job that I’ve ever gotten has been because of a dear friend’s reference or by way of them having inside knowledge of a job opportunity.  To those friends, Joy Arnold Russell, Patricia Smith, and Tracey McLeod I say thank you.

And so…instead of looking at some of life’s little moments as not being fair maybe we should look at them as platforms from which our hopes for success and accomplishment of our personal goals continue to spring eternal.

The Mitten Tree

Every since Black Friday, I’ve been in the holiday spirit.  I like going out in the wee hours of the morning (even though I rarely purchase anything) just to people-watch.  It’s amazing to see the strategic game faces, the lack of patience, frustration, excitement and anxiety.  Emotions that result from the desire to purchase the ‘perfect gift’ that will probably have a 24 hour lifespan, be thrown in a closet or re-gifted.

One face (or the faces) that we never get to see are those made brighter when we drop a toy in the Toys for Tots Box at a local retailer or take a mitten off a Mitten Tree in a mall, on campus, at church or drug store.  I don’t think I’ve passed up a mitten tree this season.  I took a mitten from Wal-Mart and purchased a doll, I clipped mittens to the tree in the lobby at Del Tech, I took several mittens from the tree at church (so that each of the kids could give a gift), and I took toys to this month’s sorority meeting for the annual holiday party. 

Each time I’ve taken a mitten, I’ve stared blankly at the tree wondering what that particular family would do on Christmas morning had it not been for the respective organizations and their willingness to solicit gifts, especially during a season in which many are facing financial hardships themselves.  I wonder how the family member felt when asked to write down what they wanted for Christmas (on one tree there were nothing but necessities listed on the mittens…diapers, bottles, gloves, socks and underwear; no toys at all).  I even thought about those individuals who would probably work tirelessly to wrap and deliver all the gifts, knowing all too well that when it comes to the hard work of a true community servant, sometimes you are in the trenches alone.

I reflected on the fact that this seasons, whether it be through Delta Sigma Theta, student organizations on campus which I advise, church or pageantry, that I seem to have more opportunities than ever to serve and to give back.  Which lead me to another thought; what happens when this season has come and gone?  What happens when there are no more mitten trees?  Will those individuals who are so thought about during Christmas fade away until it is once again time to hang tinsel and adorn another tree with mittens?

I am so thankful for all that I have and all that I am able to give, but I’m most humbled at the fact that I carry a mitten tree in my heart year-round. 

Take a mitten or two
Make a holiday wish come true.

Bake an extra batch of cookies

One for home and one to share.

Tip the postal worker and the trash guy

Just to show them that you care.

Take a mitten or two

And warm someone else’s heart.

Be a secret angel

As Christ did on the cross.

Take a mitten or two

But don’t just share this month.

Make a commitment to give all year long

And continually share love and warmth.


Merry CHRISTmas!

Who's Watching "Reed Between the Lines"

BET's Reed Between the Lines is a comedy about a modern-day blended family and their attempt to navigate life’s ups and downs with wit and humor (bet.com).  I may be a bit bias as an 11 year veteran of BET's awarding-winning series Teen Summit, but this show is a must see for families, but that may be a challenge in itself. 

Reed Between the Lines airs on Tuesday's at 10:00 p.m.  I don't know about you, but in my house it's lights out by 8:30 p.m. for the little ones and the older kids turn in around 9:00 p.m.  In an attempt to create family programming that can once again be watched by entire families, BET scores big but loses when it comes to scheduling of this show.  Who knows...maybe this family show wasn't really created for family viewing - - that's why it's on at 10:00 p.m.  or maybe it was more important for those in the central time zone to be able to view it with their families.  My point is that this is a show that deserves a chance in a prime time, family slot.

I'm a realist and know that TV shouldn't be a place for us to find role models or examples of what families 'should/shouldn't' be but the fact of the matter is that art does imitate life and shows like Reed Between the Lines can offer valuable talk and teaching moments so it should be on during a time where families can view together.

I like the show and the concept (although some have criticized the acting) but for me it's the principle and purpose behind the show that's important.   Television has and always will be an important part of my life and while my consumption habits have changed as a result of becoming a parent, I value the moments when I can sit down and comfortably watch a program with my entire family.


BET...just something to think about.

An Open Letter To Cancer

Once again, you've come from an unknown place and planted yourself in a vessel that is so cherished and loved by many. You've shaken a strong soul but she remains resilient and is as giving, helpful and as focused as ever. You cause some around her to whisper and wonder, while others are forthright with their prayers and kind words. Your impact is like a rock skipping on a pond…everyone can see the widening impact of your sneaky blow. 

My heart aches every time someone close to me is diagnosed.  I even panic when friends have close calls with you.  A biopsy here, a sonogram or two; you cause so much stress there’s no justice for what you do.  You even tried to sneak up on me but it was a lost cause.  For days, after one of your growths was removed, I had to stop and pause.  I asked myself, what if it was, what would I do? Would I lose my hair? Would treatments leave me sick and blue? While I’m left with only a scar others have to face a lifetime of emptiness because of what you do.

You are like a mythical shape-shifter…you come in many forms. You have no regard for age, race, creed or gender; your wrath is like a deadly storm.  Oh Cancer, you took my father, uncle and even weakened my mother.  You’re wreaking havoc in the life of my co-worker, friends, their loved-ones and millions of others. 

No one likes you Cancer.  We don’t know why you hurt the most precious people - - so valued and full of worth.  Why can’t you find a hole to rot in or even better fall off the face of the earth.  No one would miss you; in fact the world would be a better place.  It’s time for you to go Cancer; you’re taking up too much space.

We’ll continue to fight the good fight, with our walks, marathons, galas and most importantly our research. We may not have a cure and we don’t know when or where you’ll strike next, but one thing that we do know is that you can’t conquer our prayer, love and the mighty spirit that wants to continue the good fight against you.

Cancer…you will not win. 

Rest in peace to all of those who fought the good fight until the end; prayers to those survivors and strengthen and support to those who are beginning this uncertain journey.

Reflections on a Bike Ride

Instead of our usual daily three-mile run, we decided to bike.  As my husband mounted his racing bike dressed in his bikeline.com gear, I put on one of the boys bike helmets and nervously got on the Schwinn (used to running and pushing the Schwinn stroller instead so this was way out of my comfort zone).

I was extremely fearful of falling off the bike, not being able to adjust to gears, etc. but as we headed out onto route 13 my thoughts quickly shifted.  I paced myself and just as I do when I run, I begin the think and reflect. 

My fear of riding a bike was minimal compared to the fear that this nation felt ten years ago when we all were shaken by the greatest terrorist attack in this country’s history. 

As I pushed ahead and winced at all of the road-kill along the bike route, I thought about the innocent people and soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq; senseless deaths as the result of road-side bombings, military attacks, and outright rebellion.

I took a drink break and thought about the children in Haiti who still don’t have access to clean drinking water and the people in Pennsylvania for which a state of emergency has been declared because of flooding that was far worse than that brought on by Hurricane Irene.

As I rode past the local fresh food market I thought about the families in this area who don’t know where their next meal is coming from and all of the children that benefit from the school snack fund.

As I crossed Route 13 I passed a family of strangers sitting on the porch and reflected on the fact that every day we pass strangers who need a friend or a helping hand.

As I struggled to bike up the hill, I thought about folks who struggle to get up every morning because they don’t have the will to live or those who struggle just to live paycheck-to-paycheck.

As I rode further up Route 13 and Mary Mary’s God in Me blared in my headphones, I wished that everyone had a bit more God in them.

Making the push to ride the last mile back to the house was hard, but Dave Hollister’s Striving came on (God is an expert when it comes to timing).  We gotta keep moving no matter what the obstacle, no matter what the test. We gotta push through it…He’s got His angles watching over me, interceding for me, looking out for me…keep on, keep on striving.

Keep striving my friends, to be a better person, to love harder, to work smarter to love the life you have, even thought it not perfect and regardless of how you’re feeling in the moment, promise yourself  to never forget that you are hear for a reason.

PS:       Biking and reflecting…great experience.  Biking after a Brazilian…not so good! 

The Ugly Secret on College Campuses

As a college professor (going into my 12^th year) not a semester goes by in which a young woman doesn’t come to me with the heart wrenching story of acquaintance rape or dating violence.  In semester’s past, I’ve begged students to at least seek counseling if they were resolved to keeping this a secret. In many of the instances, these enterprising young ladies, have their spirits broken by men that they have to attend classes with, eat with, share social space with and even have to deal with some of these guys harassing them to make sure they keep this dirty little secret.

Today was my breaking point. An individual came to me in tears and shared such a graphic story that I almost vomited.  What sickened me wasn’t necessarily her account of what amounted to a gang rape but the fact that by a process of elimination I could identify the perpetrators...who I will have to teach in coming semesters. I fought back tears as she sat crouched on my sofa blaming herself for being intoxicated, for not going home…for going out in the first place.  I assured her that this reckless disregard for human life was not her fault and that somehow, some way, we need to begin the healing process. 

Out of respect for this young woman, I won’t share any other details of this traumatic experience, but I will offer this.  As campus administrators, I believe we have a responsibility to make sure our students are safe, have access to counseling and support when needed, and that there is due process when appropriate.  I have vowed not to let another semester go by in which a young women pours her heart out to me and shares the gruesome details of a sexual assault.  I praise God everyday that this has not been a part of my personal lived experience as a woman but my heart has been pricked one too many times by horrific accounts of what so called guy ‘friends’ do in a moment of  “drunkenness” and extremely poor judgment.  Rape is a heinous crime and it permeates college campuses across this country.  We need to take a stand to educate our young men and young women about these life changing acts of violence which rob so many bright college students of their vigor and zest for life.  I don’t have a plan but I know something must be done - - beyond the resources that colleges and universities offer because they aren’t working. 

For those of you who walk in my same shoes, blessings as you go to campuses as mentors, mother figures, sister-friends and confidant and please share your thoughts, opinions and solutions to this hidden secret. 

The Present but Absent Father

I read an article about the Mayor of Philadelphia who chided black parents of young children responsible for a rash of violent flash mobs in the city this summer. Mayor Nutter called out absent fathers who fail to do nothing more but serve as sperm donors or ATMs to their children and pointed the finger at this not so new phenomenon as the root cause of the problem we are having with some of today's youth. While his sermon (or political church speech) was on target/insightful (and offensive to some in the black community) it made me think about fathers who are at home physically but remain absent in their children's lives.

On any given summer afternoon, I can look around my neighborhood...let me back up - I can look out at our cul-de-sac and see a bunch of young boys playing basketball with my husband and sons. Many come in for dinner or snacks and some have even been afforded the privilege of sleeping over. I've even asked my husband when he was going to give himself a break as the neighborhood dad because the time playing basketball or hanging out with the neighborhood kids often turns in to homework time, additional carpool duties, etc.  What I've come to notice is that it is the same set of boys that have gravitated to this "Kool Aid" house. To my knowledge, all of them have two parents in the home but I have to ask myself, why are they playing ball or going to the pool or just hanging out with their fathers.  So of course, I do some informal research, and find out that most dads are sleeping or watching TV or doing odd things around the house.

This is something that very few of us talk about or probably even notice...The Present but Absent Dad. It is a blessing in this day and age that there are so many two-parent households but providing food, clothing and shelter is not the end of the line when it comes to parenting. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I did have some challenges with my dad growing up, as he was a functioning alcoholic, but even through his drunkenness, he was there…cheering us on at choir concerts or gymnastics meets; family outings and fishing trips. He would even travel to JMU for every parent’s weekend wearing this cheesy shirt that read "My Dollars and Daughter Go to JMU".


What I've come to notice is that a number of today's dads are just sitting on the sofa and channel surfing, mowing the lawn or 'catching up' on sleep. There is a new breed of fathers who believe that their work is done outside of the home and that the mother is there to raise, mentor, discipline and celebrate the children. There are a number of dads that I can name that are extremely active in their children's lives (for fear of leaving anyone out…no list this time) and their kids are better citizens and young leaders in the making because of this.


To me, the present but absent father is just as negative as the totally absent father.  It is a hurtful thing for a child to ask a parent for companionship and attention, only to be told no…regardless of the reason.  Sure, as parents, we all have our moments when we’re tired, overly extended or have been so emotionally beaten up that we can barely care for ourselves, but through the muck and meyer of what we call life, we’ve got to find a way to strengthen our parenting skills and carve out time for our kids. 


No one can be 100% all the time, but the partnership that a mom and dad has is essential to the building up of independent children with high self esteem and strong values. I don't see shutting down the cul-de-sac activities or closing the pantry to hungry boys, but I'd like to challenge all parents to support each other and encourage one another to be present in the lives of their children.


So, as the little one tugs on the mouse and tries to pull me away from the computer, I offer you this: At the end of the day, we all reap what we sew.  If you aren't there for your children now, you run the risk not having them there for you in your golden years.



http://www.theblaze.com/stories/youve-damaged-your-own-race-philly-mayor-blasts-teens-flash-mobs/

When Mommy Faces Financial Challenges

In the wake of what seems to be a looming double dip recession, many families will probably continue to struggle with financial issues on the home front, which means everything from back to school to Christmas shopping (may seem far off but my husband usually starts shopping right after the back to school rush, maybe you do too) will once again be threatened. 

If you’re like me, it’s hard to say ‘no’ sometimes and I can’t help but feel that I have a responsibility to do what my parents did for me - - make my children’s lives better than mine and afford them access to opportunities and things that I didn’t experience growing up.  Well to that end, my parents did a really good job, so I try to mirror much of what my childhood experience was like; traveling, theater and the arts, family nights out on the town, trying to grant every wish on a birthday or Christmas list, etc. but there is one difference.  My parents did this when there was no recession (or that I can remember).  The worse thing that I do remember was the gas crisis in the 80s but that only meant getting up early to get gas on your assigned day…not sacrificing the material things in life.

Fortunately, my husband and I have been blessed with emotionally and financially rewarding careers but the key to not having to face too many financial challenges has been my husband’s golden rule (not sure if he stole this from Suze Orman or not) “Live below you means.”  When we got engaged and my husband took the reins of the household, he readjusted my entire financial ideology.  You see, I’ve made a pretty good living all of my life and prior to marriage I was able to maintain a home; purchase cars for cash and even cared for my ailing parents, saved my then 6 months of salary (according to NBC financial analysts it’s now a cushy 8 months salary that should be saved) and still have money to spend.  My philosophy was paying your bills, tithes (and I didn’t do that on a regular basis back then) then shop or go on my weekly 5-star dining tour of the Metropolitan area.  Back then, I didn’t care about a credit rating and financial planning for a family was nowhere on my radar.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to do what my husband said to do (that living below your means thing) but hindsight is that it turned out to be a blessing.  Not once during our nation’s financial dog and pony show have we had to make drastic changes or deny our children anything for financial reasons.  We’ve managed to be diligent about living below our means and even use my adjunct money for family expenses including clothing, school needs, and vacation spending money. I also cut back a 15.00 a day Starbucks habit and now use my Keurig to make Delaware’s best iced coffees for about 15.00 a month.  I also reduced the number of spa trips.  Back in the day, I’d have car service to and from the spa so that I could have a truly relaxing day and would spend hundreds on treatments.  I was also getting my nails and hair done every week.  I still get my nails done but maybe once or twice a month and I’ve learned to care for my own short and sassy hair cut.  On the shopping front, I’m down with the new chic shoppers…and have become a Goodwill Goddess (hey…I need to trademark that!) and I’m no longer at Tiffany’s every month treating myself, but I’ve found pleasure in upscale consignment shopping and allow my coupon savvy husband, who LOVES to shop handle much of the clothes shopping for the kids and the house.  Although I fall off the financial wagon from time-to-time, finances are not our biggest worries.

So as the sun sets on the summer of 2011 and most of us prepare for school and a barrage of upcoming holidays and family events, I offer you what Suze Orman offers to her many followers: adopt a new American Dream, one that focuses on happiness and fulfillment and not things.

So what does this mean to you?  I’m not sure, but I can tell you what this means to me.  For starters I had to take baby steps.  A few years ago I cleaned up my credit (or should I say my husband did this) and got rid of all but one credit card.  I made a commitment to stop being financially dishonest with my husband by hiding purchases and vowed to openly discuss financial matters.  Lastly, before any major spending I ask myself ‘is it a want or a need’. My new American Dream is being able to indulge my children in cultural and education activities (many of which are free to the public and oftentimes, seem to be the most exciting for our family), being creative (e.g. Fast Food Fridays in which everyone helps to make the weeks most unhealthy meal of everything from homemade mozzarella sticks, to chicken fingers and potato skins and milkshakes) to Me and Micah’s night out on the lawn which usually happens after he’s done Grand Prix lawn cutting on the riding mower and amounts to nothing more than us sitting on the grass drinking a glass of wine and just hanging out with each other.  These moments are priceless or should I say low cost, and are exactly what we need in this broken economy.  Even more importantly, these are ways to carve out special time with children and spouses and create moments that are unmatched by any material possession.

I truly don’t have this financial thing figured out.  If I did, I’d be quoting myself and not Suze Orman or I might even be on the cover of my own “F” magazine like Lady O, but one thing I do know is that control of your finances can make or break you and I don’t want to be broken because I need ensure that my children grow up to be financially savvy adults and it all start with what they see in the home.

Not a day goes by where stock market or business news shows anything but a bleak prospectus for the average Jo or Joan.  The threat of this financial burden being inherited by our children is more present than ever and we need to teach them fiscal responsibility now.  Be honest with your children about financial issues (they are resilient and whether you talk to them or not, they know they are growing up in poor economic times), don’t feel pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and get your children involved in the saving process.  Most of all, find ways to cut back but creating lasting family moments that everyone can cherish.

“We’ve decided to End our Marriage”

What Hollywood does when it doesn’t work

This morning I woke up to watch the news (mainly for the weather because I don’t watch the news on the weekend as it is so depressing Monday through Friday) and heard a story about Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony and their decision to end their seven year marriage.  At first I sat there in amazement…yet another Hollywood couple throwing in the towel but not before releasing a well-crafted statement to the media stating that they’ve tried to work everything out and have come to an amicable agreement and oh yeah...and the ever important please respect our privacy at this time verbiage.

Now I’m no expert on marriage (and am not being a critic of J-Lo or Mark Anthony per se) but four children, a few mortgage refinances, some emotional ups and downs, a very stressful career changes with a salary cuts, and seven years later,  I find that this [being marriage] was the best thing that happened to me.

I didn’t enter into my marriage with any fairy tale imagery, outlandish dreams of living in a McMansion, raising stellar children who would someday go on to cure cancer or be the next college freshman athlete to go directly to the hall of fame (you get what I’m saying…) but I didn’t enter into my marriage with faith and a strong commitment to doing what was necessary (and ethical) to make my marriage work.  You know why?  I’ll tell you.

That’s what I saw during my childhood.  Men and women (my parents, aunts and uncles and neighbors, church folks, etc.) making marriages work.  And from what I saw, that meant agreeing to disagree, arguing (but doing it fairly and not in front of children or others for that matter), enjoying things together like gardening, taking in a baseball game or two, sharing a cup of coffee on the front porch in the morning, getting away with your girls or the fellas from time to time, playing Spades or Bid Whist on the weekends, being financially truthful and putting God first.  Things weren’t perfect (my dad was a functioning alcoholic…but that another blog entry) but all in all, he was a wonderful father, husband and provider and once he chose to stop drinking I saw my parent’s marriage take on a new life.  Maybe that’s one of the things that I focus on when I hit a rough spot…how my parents actually made a deliberate choice to do things differently so that they could sustain their marriage.

Marriage is a job.  There is no salary, you don’t get promoted, you don’t accumulate sick or vacation leave but the benefits are unmatched by anything on this earth.  For me, the rewards are countless and while there are times where I do want to scream or have a “War of the Roses” moment and throw glasses, I wouldn’t change a thing.  When I’m overwhelmed, have cried my last tear, or want to hide in my closet because I feel so defeated (yes…that’s the only place where I can have a real alone moment) I know that my husband will be there to either make me laugh or use his strong spirituality to bring me back to my center.

I want to take a moment to recognize some couples that I look up to.  Some of you may know this and others may be seeing this revealed for the first time, but just know that your marriage has been one that I’ve taken a piece from and that me and my family are blessed because of you:

Arthur and Brenda Payton                                    Darryl and Carmelita Taylor

Trump and Kimberly Stevens                                Anthony and Mary Yancey

Dan and Tracy Sparks                                         Michael and Donetta Clark
Jason and Melba Williams                                   Jay and Crystal Stewart
Jerome and Claire Garrett                                     Kamau and LaLinda Street
Geoff and Shana Williams                                   Shannon and Scott Sharhage

The list could go on, but these are some of our friends who have truly made the commitment to marriage and family.

So to all those in Hollywood that get married, have children, divorce then ask the world to stay out of your business I offer this to you…Facebook some of the couples that I’ve listed in this Blog, ask them what makes marriage work.  I’m sure they’d say that there’s no right or wrong answer, but I can guarantee that words like trust, respect, love, fortitude, passion, forgiveness and commitment will be a part of what they share.

Every night when I go to bed, I thank God for my husband and my children.  I thank Him for the lessons I learn each day as a married woman and know that life wouldn’t be the same if I were on this journey alone.  There’s no cliché way to end this…no quote about marriage, no list of the top 10 things to do to save or sustain a marriage and no reference book to refer you to, but I will leave you with this.

For better or for worse…

Bella Vita

While there’s much to say…this entry will get to straight to the point.  I, along with the rest of the country am shocked at the Casey Anthony trial verdict.  We will never know how that innocent two year old died but what we can say as people watching from the outside is that the actions of two mothers will forever go down as disgraceful. 

We must ask ourselves, how could a mother club the night away just days after her child ‘allegedly’ goes missing? How could a grandmother commit perjury knowing full well that not telling the truth could land her in jail?

Indeed, mothers have a great deal of pressure in raising children and keeping families together and young-single mothers have a more difficult time balancing work and family life but extremes of lying and the thought of murder as a means of riding oneself of the stressors of motherhood is not the answer.

I’m sure we all have a level of dysfunction in our homes (probably not as extreme as we’ve seen play out in the Anthony trial) but we manage.  What saddens me about Ms. Anthony is that she probably was looking for Bella Vita (the beautiful life) but failed to realize that she already had it!  God gave her the gift of motherhood and in doing so, he also equipped her with the necessary tools to champion the odds and raise her child in a safe, loving environments.  He does this for all mothers and we can be the beneficiaries of his guidance if we focus on the job of being a mother and take it seriously.

Children are life’s most precious gift.  They aren’t perfect; they may lose retainers in the garbage, torture each other, fight at school, forget homework, throw temper tantrums, break your favorite vase or just have a grumpy day, but it’s your job to affirm them, guide them and provide unconditional love.

 As a friend (Deirdra) posted on FB last night…hug your children and when you’re having a moment of stress remember that Bella Vita doesn’t mean perfect and find the beauty in the fact that you have a life with your children.

What Does it Mean to Shine?

My definition of 'shining' may be different from yours but be open to my words and prepare to shine. 

I can recall the day I began to shine.  It was in 1995 and was about to do my first live television segment on Black Entertainment Television's Teen Summit.  Up until that point, I had been this skinny, Jheri curl-wearing bookworm.  Not too appealing to the eye but I had my sense of humor about me and I prided myself in being smart.  I was excited about being given the opportunity to shine as one of BET’s fresh faces and embraced the new celebrity status that came with being on television.  I shined for about two years and even found a new niche as a motivational speaker, but something began to tarnish.  That glow was slowly fading away and I was feeling empty. 

I knew that I was at a fork in the road so to speak in terms of my career but I didn’t know what to do about it.  But one thing that I had become accustomed to was that ‘shining’ and I craved it.  Looking back, I didn’t realize that there were more ways to shine and that literally being in the spotlight wasn’t the only way for your energy to radiate and for you to be viewed as successful.

Thus my challenges continued.  It wasn’t until 2000 that I got a wake up call.  BET was brought by Viacom and Teen Summit faded away into the sunset.  No more jet setting, public appearances, live television…it was over.  My light was out.  Ironically, I made the decision to return to school in 1999 to pursue a graduate degree so I was already making the transition from television back to textbooks and after walking across the stage in 2001 a new halo of light appeared.  I was excited about my recent accomplishment; I paid for graduate school on my own, balanced my academic life and full time job all while providing care for my mother.  I had a new energy and I decided to capitalize on that.  I applied to the doctoral program at the University of Maryland and at Howard University.  I received the standard rejection letter from the University of Maryland but on that same day a call came in from the graduate school at Howard and I was informed that I was the recipient of a Lily Fellowship and that I needed to sign my paperwork and schedule an orientation.  My PhD journey began.

At this point I thought the glow was back for sure, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.  My light fizzled more over the next seven years that I had ever experienced before.  I was 32 years old in class with 20 something’s, my research background wasn’t as strong and to make matters worse, a now famous  (or infamous) reality star told me that I would be successful in the PhD program at Howard because in their words, “students from Bowie don’t do well in our program.”

My thought of accomplishing the task of completing the PhD program and becoming part of an elite group of scholars was sure to give me what folks now call swagger; it would once again allow me to shine. And on top of that, there weren’t too many people in my inner circle who held the title of doctor of philosophy so this would be big.  My fellowship was nearing its end, I was struggling with my advisement committee, and I was at the seven year mark, which meant if I didn’t complete the degree program I would have to retake the comprehensive exam.



My life now, BET/Teen Summit Moment and Graduating with Oprah

Fast forward to the here and now…I made a complete career transition and I’ve got that PhD and I’m shining but not for all to see.  Now when I think about shining, it means humbly taking on tasks that will enrich the lives of others.  Participating in work both on campus and in the community that engages and empowers people and most importantly, creating opportunities for others to shine. 

You see, my earlier definition of what it meant to shine was all wrong.  I wanted to be seen and seen all the time.  I wanted to be known for my accomplishments and I damn sure couldn’t wait for people to call me doctor.  So now, at the sassy young age of 42 I don’t think about shining too much, but I think about polishing my act internally.

Shining through my spiritual growth and commitment, shining through my decision to be a life-long learner and shining through the bond and devotion of family.  

Are your trying to shine for all the wrong reasons?  How will you polish up your act so that you are confident in your glow even though no one can see it?

What are You Chasing?

As someone who’s a novice in the pageant world one thing that I’ve come to realize and appreciate are those women who find a balance when it comes to chasing the dream of becoming the new “Mrs.” and maintaining the integrity and identity that they had as a mother and wife prior to entering the pageant arena. For me, being able to have a level head and finding a balance between working to make my dreams and aspirations come true is something that has made my life’s journey so rewarding.  Not that I haven’t met with challenges or points of discouragement (like this morning when I read the reviewers comments on a research paper…UGH), but what keeps me grounded is the ‘why’ in everything that I do.  At the end of the day, I don’t meet with much defeat because in my heart, I’m coming from a perspective that is well thought out and I’m acting with good intentions.

I think that in life, we truly need to be mindful of what we’re chasing and more importantly, why we’re chasing those dreams or goals.  Whenever, I embark on a journey, whether it’s preparing a conference or research proposal, making a decision to accept a role as a member of an ad hoc or standing committee at work, or committing myself to volunteer work or church activities, I think first about what I can learn from the experience, then what my gifts and talents are that will contribute to the success of the endeavor.  Rarely is self-adulation a factor in me committing to do anything.  I think that when we function from a perspective in which our own glorification is front and center it makes it much more difficult to run the race.   And let me be real…I didn’t always practice what I’m sharing.  But as I grew in my faith (and as I continue to grow) I’ve come to realize that when we do things, whether openly for all to see or whether we work quietly behind the scenes, that being focused on pleasing God is and should be reward enough.

In the academic environment, I also see young people who don’t know what they’re chasing. I often ask my students (especially those with W’s and F’s on their transcripts) why they are in school.  Some are candid and say “because my parents told me I had to go to college.” Others painfully admit that they don’t know. To them I say, take some time to do some soul searching and really chart out a plan for your life. 

We all should be chasing something…because it’s characteristic of most human beings to want to achieve. However, many of us set out on a path with the wrong objectives and what we envision is making that Rocky Balboa like run to the top of the stairs and having everyone celebrate the fact that we’ve arrived. But what is forgotten is the Rocky Balboa-like struggle prior to the victory! 

We forget that we’ve got to do things like pay our dues, serve as an apprentice or even volunteer time.  We forget that it take long hours, months, and  sometimes even years to achieve some goals and we sell ourselves short by thinking that what we are chasing doesn’t really need to be chased after…in some instances folks just sit there with an attitude of entitlement thinking that ‘it’ will happen on its own.

I’m all for being a dream chaser!  It’s what makes the world go ‘round…people having dreams - - dreams of creating ways to improve the environment, bringing about greater equality, even coming up with the next big trend or gadget - - but really think about why and how you’re going to chase your dreams. Don’t be like a puppy aimless chasing its tail in circles.  Understand the power and motivation behind your dreams and do what’s necessary to meet with success. 

Dream on friends, dream on. 

When the soles get worn replace them…

When the soul gets worn rejuvenate it so that you can continue to chase what is truly yours. 

What is a sister?

Last Sunday, DSU’s Epsilon Alpha Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta returned to the campus after a five year suspension.  Many of the young ladies on campus never thought they’d get their opportunity to become part of such a strong, service-oriented sisterhood, but for 71 girls, their dream came true at 7:10 p.m. on April 10^th. 

Spending the day with my old and new Sorors got me to thinking.  I reflected on the 11 women I had the pleasure of crossing the burning sands with (Alfrica Edmonds, Joy Arnold-Russell, Carmelita Taylor, Jeneen Robinson, Pamela Anthony, Agnes Jones, Veronica (Ronnie) Wilson Pitts, Sherry Agnew Wilson, Lori Whitehurst (RIP), Shelia Wright, Melanie Byrd) and how important these women have become in my life.  For example, I strive to uphold my commitment to service because of my line sisters (LS) Pam and Melanie.  Because of what they’ve committed themselves to as an academician and attorney [respectively], my own commitment to others is reaffirmed.  I work every day to be a good mother and wife because of my LS Carmelita and admire how she silently soars above the clouds and makes this fulltime job with required overtime look so easy.  And I giggle every time I think about Ronnie and how she said she’d never have children and how other people’s kids used to drive her batty…but look at her now, a mother and superior educator! And I only wish I could be like Joy and step out on faith as she did to open her own business and roll with the punches when they came her way.  Those are just a few of the examples of how my sorority sisters inspire me to do my very best.  I could go on forever and pull a story about each of these ladies from pledge days but the blog would indeed become a book!

I also reflected on the relationship that two of my students (now my Sorors) have developed with each other.  I have been blessed to witness their growth and development as young women and am so proud to be able to call them my sisters.  I also know that as sisters in their own families, they already embodied the spirit of the 22 Founders of Delta Sigma Theta and just needed the opportunity to be initiated into the fold of women who have such high regard for life, self, family, equality and community so that they could do their part to make this world a little greater on a grander scale. 

The same sentiment is applied to my own sister Brenda.  I think she’s amazing.  I may not tell her every day but I think she knows it.  She is a strong mother who has weathered many storms, an independent business women and a wife who has given everything to make it work.  I love to see her laugh and let her hair down from time to time and am so blessed to have such a great big sister. 

And how my life has been made greater because of my sister-friends!  You know those ladies. The ones you’ve clicked with for one reason or another or who clicked with you and 10 or 20 years later you find yourself standing next to them in a chapel on your wedding day or road-tripping with them, or sharing all the highs and lows of life.  Well I’ve got some great ones; Nayada (we claim each other as God sisters because I know he connected us at the right time), Bianca, Sybil and I've been fortunate to meet a few more women I'm proud to call sister: Ava, Claire and Shana.  Now those are some women that I know I wouldn’t have been able to make it through life without; always there when you need them.  In my corner through thick and thin and genuinely concerned about me when I needed them most.  I love you ladies with all my heart.

On April 10^th when I got home from campus after the initiation ceremony and the step show, I went into my daughter’s room and lay next to her and my heart wept because Tyler doesn’t have a sister by birth.  I wondered to myself, if someday she’d have great sister-friends like I have.  One’s who would pay your mortgage if you were short.  Travel across the country in a flash when there was a death in the family, or tell you like it is straight with no chaser, even when you didn’t want to hear it.  I wondered if I’d be able to call my own daughter my Soror (my husband often has her throwing up a pinky and hollering Skee-Wee, but I can see the Delta twinkle her eyes) and if she’d have a life-long bond with her sorority sisters and I thought about how I could nurture her relationship with her two God sisters, Nailah and Jailyn and imagined them navigating college, relationships and careers together and I did with my own God sister.

I often hear stories of young women who are not fortunate enough to have caring sisters…whether by blood or by initiation into a sisterhood of some sort.  I am so glad that I don’t have to do this thing called life without having sisters of all kinds - - my sisters, my Sorors, my sister-friends - -you’ve made me the women I am and I am so glad to call you my sister.

Dressed for Success …Or Not?

White button up dress shirt --gaps in between every button. Tummy spilling over the waist of the skirt. The leopard skin bra is visible.  Fitted skirt, popping at the seams, just long enough to cover the control top portion of the pantyhose.   Four inch hot pink peep-toe stilettos with unpainted toes peeking out.  Giant tattoo of a rose and cross adorns the right calf.   

This is what I see on a regular basis. Young women dressed in what I call “corporate club attire”. 

We’ve had several professional events on campus over the last few weeks and I’ve witnessed or should I say I’ve been repulsed by the exposure of breast and buttocks at everything from sacred ceremonies to career fairs in which Fortune 500 recruiters have made the trek to campus in search of the best and the brightest entry level employees.

I even witnessed the celebration of over exposed breast (the young lady dressed in her corporate club outfit laughingly shook her breast as a greeting to several other scantily clad women) along with two other faculty members at which the eldest of us suggested that we [the two younger faculty members] do something about these young women and their lack of pride in self and over sexualization that they seem to embrace so openly.  I seized the opportunity to speak with the young women about her attire and to my surprise, she was receptive to my feedback, but that was one, out of what…hundreds of young women on college campuses that don’t have a clue about what is appropriate in the business world.

Upon further investigation (conversations with other faculty, mentors and students) it was revealed that many of today’s young women don’t know what proper business attire is.  To my surprise, I’ve come in contact with several female students who for the first time purchased a suit because they needed it for a ceremony and on the day of, it was clearly evident as many of them did not remove the cross stitch from the skirt or blazer they were wearing!

This may be great fodder for a Twitter or Facebook thread, but the reality is that it is sad.  What are we [meaning those of us who’ve arrived in the ‘corporate’ sense] doing to address this issues and engage in corrective measure that will enable these young women to meet with success?  Are we mentoring? Do we pull young women aside when we see an attire disaster waiting to happen?  I can honestly say that I do.  Everything from bringing suits to campus for students to wear to conferences or formal events, to talking in class about professional protocol (for both men and women) to writing this piece.   

We were blessed to have Fonzworth Bentley participate in our 7th Annual Mass Communications Day Symposium, and during his motivational talk, he touched upon what I’d like to call the essences of your professional self.   He talked about having a sense of corporate style about you; a mixture of high end consignment, to standard pieces like a traditional black suit, and how this essence needed to always shine through. 

It is a reality that a college student may have a bad hair day from time to time and that sweat pants and ones’ comfy school spirited sweat shirt may be

the order of the day but that too can be done with a sense of class and style.  Do you need to have Pink

plastered on your posterior?  In my opinion - no. 

In no way am I declaring myself a Paris runway veteran.  No red bottoms in my closet, Jeffery Campbell’s, Badgley Mischka or Hervé  Léger (a girl can dream though) but I do have a classic, yet individual style that speaks to who I am and that doesn’t raise eyebrows.  I even have a few tattoos, but Dermablend has been a friend since I got my first one nearly 20 years ago.  I’ve also had to learn some hard lessons because I wasn’t dressed for success.  I’ve had to go out and buy suits in the middle of the workday in order to attend meetings that were a part of my workplace obligation and I have missed opportunities because my attire didn’t meet the requirements of an unscheduled event at work…one of which was a visit to the White House. 

What is your essence of your professional self?  If you don’t know, maybe it’s time to think about it, especially if you are a rising star in college getting ready to graduate to the dog-eat-dog corporate world.  As an educator, you know that I think one’s academic savvy is what matters most, but as the realist who’s been successful in the entertainment industry, corporate and government sectors, I know firsthand that image is EVERYTHING.  Don’t get me wrong…some students are getting it right.  There’s a sense of style that permeates everything they do.  I applaud those students and know that they have a mindset that will lead to much success after college and beyond.

Before you let it all hang out and glam it up with some not so appropriate footwear or that favorite top with the plunging neckline, think about the impression other may take away from your appearance, think about the unknown opportunities for schmoozing or networking that may be presented on a daily basis and lastly think about how you actually feel when you do dress for success. 

Through the Fire

Earlier this week, seven children were lost in a devastating fire while their mother milked cows in a nearby barn and the father headed off to work on his regular delivery route.  It probably began as a routine evening for the family in the quaint town of Blain, Pennsylvania, but what happened that evening will forever change their lives.

I believe each of us has had a moment in life where we ask God why and this is no different.  However, my thoughts of why turned to those of amazement as I pondered what God has in store for the three year old who survived this horrific blaze.  God must have a mighty plan for the small soul who managed to run from the home, to the barn and tell her mother that she smelled smoke in the house.  While her journey may be rough as such a small heart deals with the loss of so many siblings, she still has so many life lessons to learn, so much growing to do, and so many more hills and valleys to climb, but hopefully the faith and strength of her parents will lighten the load; one way too heavy for a little one to bear.

We’ve all come through the fire and have lived to share our triumphs with others. With the world the way it is (natural disasters, man-made chaos, economic woes, religious strife and struggles for freedom and equality) long gone are the days in which someone can look you in the face during your moments of pain and say “just think, there’s someone out there worse off than you.”   We are surrounded by crisis and are impacted whether directly or indirectly and this indeed shapes our views and impacts our ability to overcome challenges and let God intercede in our lives to help ease the pain.

I am at a point in my life where I make a conscious effort not to ask God why as much because my faith allows me to understand and accept that he has a purpose and a plan for me. As I navigate life’s winding road, I offer this to you.  Look around you.  Don’t compare yourself to other but do reflect on what you see, what you feel and how your community, society and the world at large impact your life.  As your read the paper, chat with friends and family, watch TV or surf your latest gadgets for news and information, find a blessing in it all.  Count it all joy that each day you wake up with the will to fight, look at yourself as a trailblazer and know in your heart that when the chips are down you too can make it through the fire.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/03/09/2011-03-09_7_mennonite_children_killed_in_pennsylvania_fire.html

Tears of Joy

Yesterday we registered Tyler for Kindergarten.  As we walked into the registration area there were five sections and Tyler bounced from station to stations as an eager ‘soon to be’ Kindergartner would.  As I approached station one, I got a knot in my throat and my eyes began to tear up.  I said to myself “self, get it together, it’s only registration…in six months you’ll be the fool running behind the school bus crying on her first day.” 

I made it through the registration process, but I took a few minutes to reflect on what the next few months mean for our family as Tyler embarks on this new journey.  We’ve done our best to instill strong values in all of our children, a sense of respect for self and others and we take the time every day to stress the importance of education.  While I know in my heart that we’ve prepared her academically, I shudder to think about how she will manage some of the social challenges that I struggled to navigate as a student.

What will I do when she comes home crying after having her pig tails pulled or after being teased by the big kid in class?  How do I encourage her after she fails to get a desired part in a play or how do I show her how to use conflict management skills after her first playground tiff?  As a mom, I have to admit that I never really thought about the challenges of school beyond the homework until now. 

Again, I had another little moment with myself and I said “self, remember that you had wonderful guides throughout your elementary years…your mom and dad.”   At that moment of revelations, I was able to take a sigh of relief.  That’s exactly how I managed to overcome obstacles and be successful throughout my grammar school and high school years.  My journey wasn’t easy, by any means, but as I look back I can recall moments of encouragement, tough love and praise from both of my parents.  What was also a blessing is that my parents had different gifts in terms of how they raised and mentored us.  My mother was always good and kissing both physical and emotional wounds and my dad (although very stern) keep me inspired academically and always encouraged me to think outside of the box, long before the phrase was coined.

So, as a new chapter begins to unfold in my life and in Tyler’s, I won’t have to reinvent the wheel in terms of doing my part to ensure that our daughter embraces a holistic educational experience.  I will reflect on my own past and sharpen the tools inherited from my parents to make sure Tyler’s educational journey is a success.

PS: I’m going to not to make a fool of myself when she actually starts school, but check back on August 29^th to see how her first day really goes!

Black Love…Black Power

February is a special month…Black History, President’s Day and Valentine’s Day.  I thought about revisiting the issues of why Black History is celebrated during the shortest month of the year, but I’ve moved passed the assumption that the oppressor has only given us twenty eight days to celebrate our rich history and understand that I have an obligation as an African American to make each day of the year one in which I reflect on our storied history and education my children about their ancestors.  In the words of Carter G. Woodson, I have not allowed one to control my mind and in turn control my actions, thus this would not make for a good blog/commentary.

So I thought about President’s day and how I could tie that into my role as a mother and I reflected on leaders from Lincoln to Kennedy, to Clinton to our first African American, Obama who is now struggling with unrest on the political front as well as unrest worlds away.  

Then I looked at the most commercialized celebration of the month, Valentine’s Day.  I’m over getting last-minute, marked-down gifts, flowers sent to work and trying to squeeze in a romantic dinner while sequestering the kids in the basement with video games.

What then is there to be said about this month…as a mother?  That is what my blog is about, right?  Well, it came to me; black love and black power. That was the common thread as I looked at the calendar on the wall, which reminded me of the month long commitment to reading for my daughter’s school, the many doctor’s appointments, science fair and invention projects due, the workshop and commitment to church activities, working to meet a publication deadline and of course, carving out time for what is most important –the children and family in my life.

As a black woman and mother, I hope to have the spirit of Rosa Parks and Fannie Lou Hamer, the power to lead and commitment to my civic duty like Maxine Waters and Carol Mosley Braun, and the strength and fortitude to walk a different path like Mae Jemison and Leontyne Price.  I want to have the courage to teach, the vision to empower when others don’t see a way, the faith to love unconditionally and the child-like freedom to continue to fantasize and dream the impossible dream.

Those African American’s who have shaped our history, some giving life or limb, may not have recognized their power as the very moment when they were fighting for equality, civil rights, or peace, but they had the love in their hearts for themselves, this country and others to march on.  So to you I say thank you.  Thank you for showing me how to be a mother, activist, educator and spiritual force from within.

Celebrate this country, black history, black love and black power.