“We’ve decided to End our Marriage”

What Hollywood does when it doesn’t work

This morning I woke up to watch the news (mainly for the weather because I don’t watch the news on the weekend as it is so depressing Monday through Friday) and heard a story about Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony and their decision to end their seven year marriage.  At first I sat there in amazement…yet another Hollywood couple throwing in the towel but not before releasing a well-crafted statement to the media stating that they’ve tried to work everything out and have come to an amicable agreement and oh yeah...and the ever important please respect our privacy at this time verbiage.

Now I’m no expert on marriage (and am not being a critic of J-Lo or Mark Anthony per se) but four children, a few mortgage refinances, some emotional ups and downs, a very stressful career changes with a salary cuts, and seven years later,  I find that this [being marriage] was the best thing that happened to me.

I didn’t enter into my marriage with any fairy tale imagery, outlandish dreams of living in a McMansion, raising stellar children who would someday go on to cure cancer or be the next college freshman athlete to go directly to the hall of fame (you get what I’m saying…) but I didn’t enter into my marriage with faith and a strong commitment to doing what was necessary (and ethical) to make my marriage work.  You know why?  I’ll tell you.

That’s what I saw during my childhood.  Men and women (my parents, aunts and uncles and neighbors, church folks, etc.) making marriages work.  And from what I saw, that meant agreeing to disagree, arguing (but doing it fairly and not in front of children or others for that matter), enjoying things together like gardening, taking in a baseball game or two, sharing a cup of coffee on the front porch in the morning, getting away with your girls or the fellas from time to time, playing Spades or Bid Whist on the weekends, being financially truthful and putting God first.  Things weren’t perfect (my dad was a functioning alcoholic…but that another blog entry) but all in all, he was a wonderful father, husband and provider and once he chose to stop drinking I saw my parent’s marriage take on a new life.  Maybe that’s one of the things that I focus on when I hit a rough spot…how my parents actually made a deliberate choice to do things differently so that they could sustain their marriage.

Marriage is a job.  There is no salary, you don’t get promoted, you don’t accumulate sick or vacation leave but the benefits are unmatched by anything on this earth.  For me, the rewards are countless and while there are times where I do want to scream or have a “War of the Roses” moment and throw glasses, I wouldn’t change a thing.  When I’m overwhelmed, have cried my last tear, or want to hide in my closet because I feel so defeated (yes…that’s the only place where I can have a real alone moment) I know that my husband will be there to either make me laugh or use his strong spirituality to bring me back to my center.

I want to take a moment to recognize some couples that I look up to.  Some of you may know this and others may be seeing this revealed for the first time, but just know that your marriage has been one that I’ve taken a piece from and that me and my family are blessed because of you:

Arthur and Brenda Payton                                    Darryl and Carmelita Taylor

Trump and Kimberly Stevens                                Anthony and Mary Yancey

Dan and Tracy Sparks                                         Michael and Donetta Clark
Jason and Melba Williams                                   Jay and Crystal Stewart
Jerome and Claire Garrett                                     Kamau and LaLinda Street
Geoff and Shana Williams                                   Shannon and Scott Sharhage

The list could go on, but these are some of our friends who have truly made the commitment to marriage and family.

So to all those in Hollywood that get married, have children, divorce then ask the world to stay out of your business I offer this to you…Facebook some of the couples that I’ve listed in this Blog, ask them what makes marriage work.  I’m sure they’d say that there’s no right or wrong answer, but I can guarantee that words like trust, respect, love, fortitude, passion, forgiveness and commitment will be a part of what they share.

Every night when I go to bed, I thank God for my husband and my children.  I thank Him for the lessons I learn each day as a married woman and know that life wouldn’t be the same if I were on this journey alone.  There’s no cliché way to end this…no quote about marriage, no list of the top 10 things to do to save or sustain a marriage and no reference book to refer you to, but I will leave you with this.

For better or for worse…

Bella Vita

While there’s much to say…this entry will get to straight to the point.  I, along with the rest of the country am shocked at the Casey Anthony trial verdict.  We will never know how that innocent two year old died but what we can say as people watching from the outside is that the actions of two mothers will forever go down as disgraceful. 

We must ask ourselves, how could a mother club the night away just days after her child ‘allegedly’ goes missing? How could a grandmother commit perjury knowing full well that not telling the truth could land her in jail?

Indeed, mothers have a great deal of pressure in raising children and keeping families together and young-single mothers have a more difficult time balancing work and family life but extremes of lying and the thought of murder as a means of riding oneself of the stressors of motherhood is not the answer.

I’m sure we all have a level of dysfunction in our homes (probably not as extreme as we’ve seen play out in the Anthony trial) but we manage.  What saddens me about Ms. Anthony is that she probably was looking for Bella Vita (the beautiful life) but failed to realize that she already had it!  God gave her the gift of motherhood and in doing so, he also equipped her with the necessary tools to champion the odds and raise her child in a safe, loving environments.  He does this for all mothers and we can be the beneficiaries of his guidance if we focus on the job of being a mother and take it seriously.

Children are life’s most precious gift.  They aren’t perfect; they may lose retainers in the garbage, torture each other, fight at school, forget homework, throw temper tantrums, break your favorite vase or just have a grumpy day, but it’s your job to affirm them, guide them and provide unconditional love.

 As a friend (Deirdra) posted on FB last night…hug your children and when you’re having a moment of stress remember that Bella Vita doesn’t mean perfect and find the beauty in the fact that you have a life with your children.