The Great Pumpkin…A Lesson in Parenting?

Every Halloween, my dad and I would watch It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  A few years after he passed, I’d watch and cry,  remembering how he’d laugh at Linus who relished waiting for the Great Pumpkin’s arrival out of the pumpkin patch.  We’ve continued to make this a family tradition in my home and I’ve grown from being overly sentimental to once again enjoying this seasonal classic. 

This year I had the pleasure of snuggling with Tyler and watching the show, but this time I cried for a different reason.  She’s now at an age where she can actually understand what’s going on, and in true Tyler fashion, she had many questions. 

While most adults watch Charlie Brown specials through the lenses of psychology, social commentary and bitter humor that was the hallmark of Charles Schultz’s work, I never expected a four year old to do the same.  The one question that touched my heart was “Why aren’t there any mommies and dads on Charlie Brown?” “Wow,” I said. “I’m not sure, but I think that would be a great question for Charles Shultz if here were alive.”  So for a minute or two, she was quiet.  As the story continued and Linus became fodder for jokes and ridicule, Tyler asked why everyone was being so mean to him.  She even asked (during the trick-or-treat scene) why Pig Pin was so dirty.  Near the end of the cartoon, when Lucy went to the pumpkin patch to get Linus and put him to bed, Tyler had one final thought…”They need mommies and dads, then they could sit in the pumpkin patch with him [Linus] and put him to bed after the pumpkins come and they could tell the dirty boy to take a bath.” 

I was so amazed at how my four year old could see the need for parents.  I tried not to let her see the emotion in my face, because at the time I didn’t have any words to explain those emotions.  But I know that I am truly blessed that somewhere in that little heart and mind of hers that she understands why mommies and dad’s do what they do, and more importantly what moms and dads should do. 

While I’m certain that Charles Schultz never meant for the Great Pumpkin to be a lesson on parenting, I know for sure that the meaning of this Halloween special will forever be changed in my heart.  One thing that never ceases to amaze me as a parent is that nuggets of knowledge come at unforeseen times.  I pray that my children continue to be vessels for my own enrichment.

 http://www.fancast.com/tv/It-s-the-Great-Pumpkin%2C-Charlie-Brown/99326/1601590050/It-s-the-Great-Pumpkin%2C-Charlie-Brown/videos

So as Schroeder plays that famous theme music in my head, I say, in the words of Linus, “Just wait ‘til next year Charlie Brown!” I’ll be there watching with my little girl, one year older, one year wiser, but hopefully still innocent enough to believe.

Separate But Equal: Four Different Discipline Plans-One Home

I knew what I was getting into as a step parent, but I didn’t know that the issue of discipline would be such a challenge.  There are experts that say that step parents are not supposed to discipline their step children and to leave that up to the parent. Theoretically, this sounds good (and if you’ve ever been in family court, a judge will basically say the same thing).  Realistically, this may be difficult in many homes where couples have joint custody.  In our case, there is joint custody and joint residency. My husband is a fire fighter and works 24 hour shifts, which means there times when I manage the household and the children on my own.  As a result, there are times when it is impossible for me not to discipline the kids.  Honestly, I would love not to get involve at that level (for obvious reasons) but that’s unrealistic. 

There are four philosophies of discipline that are exercised in our home.   There is a relaxed level of discipline with our eldest child, a drill sergeant-boot camp style with the next child and a new-aged “Love and Logic^©” (http://www.loveandlogic.com/) approach with the third child and thus far, we haven’t come up with a discipline plan of action for the one year old whose greatest offense is leaving Hansel and Gretel-like trails of crumbs from room to room.

Our children haven’t gotten to the point where they exclaim “that’s not fair,” [well, our daughter seems to think everything isn’t fair…I guess that’s what you do when you’re four] when a level of punishment is levied that doesn’t seem suitable in their eyes, but my fear is that they will begin to see or sense a level of differential treatment when it comes to how they are disciplined.    As a parent, it’s difficult for me to find a balance when it comes to disciplining the children I gave birth to and disciplining the fine young boys that became my sons after marriage.

My husband and I have had several conversations about discipline in our home but I don’t think he truly realized where I’m coming from as the step parent.   I also think that in a larger context, the relationship that we both have with the biological mothers seems to dictate or to some degree have an impact on how we approach discipline.  When infractions occur, especially with my two oldest sons, I often refer to my husband.  I do this because as the stepparent, it’s safe for me.  I’ve had some issues that I’ll talk about in future blogs that have made me truly leery about disciplining them beyond a stern “Go to your room,” but I also realized that I have to share equally in the discipline in our home.  Children are not static beings and as they evolve and grow, so too must the parents.  When I am in charge, I exercise a plan for discipline that is age and gender appropriate but one that is not so extreme that it becomes obviously unfair. 

The other day I think there was something in the water because all of our children seemed to be beside themselves.   My husband ran up the stairs to break up argument that had been brewing for a couple of minutes and after his speech about respect, keeping your hands to yourself, and how flatulence was  not funny (especially in a room with the door shut), there was one punishment for all…take your baths and go to bed.  Only if every situation could be this easy…

Here are a few guidelines for making discipline as a stepparent  easier [1]:

1. If you are the stepparent (and it’s early on in the relationship/marriage), let your partner handle most discipline during the first few months and, in some cases, years. Children accept guidance and discipline more easily from someone they trust, love, and have lived with than from a newcomer. As a stepparent, focus on building a strong relationship with the child.

2. Parents need to discuss rules and consequences as a couple. Talk about behavior problems and expectations with your new partner. This allows the stepparent to also be involved with discipline.

3. Leave the stepparent in charge when the child’s parent is gone. Tell your children before you  leave, “I’ve asked (stepparent’s name) to take over while I’m away.” This helps children  understand that the stepparent carries out rules both parents have agreed on. If possible, wait until the child’s parent returns to enforce the consequences.

4. Remember that a stepparent’s ability to handle discipline improves with time. Allow time for a

positive and loving relationship to develop before stepparents share equally in discipline. It may take longer with older children.

[1] Source: www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1547C.pdf#search='stepparent%20discipline'

Words from a Bullied Mom

Stanley Polite and Stan Beckton. At age 41 I still remember the names of the two boys who bullied me (respectively) in elementary school and high school.  Looking back, I went to middle school unscathed by bullies because the school was full of awkward kids transitioning from elementary school to an environment that was supposedly designed to prepare you for the big move to high school.  Stanley Polite (Wow…what irony in that last name) was the meanest boy in elementary school.  I can’t remember a day in 5th or 6th grade where I didn’t run home because Stanley was bothering me.  I wasn't his only victim, but I know that me and another frail girl, Regina were his primary targets.  Stanley would run behind us and grope our beast (I guess in 5th grade it was just a chest) and rear ends and sometimes he’d grab you by the waist and dry-hump us like he was a wild dog.  He picked over my food at lunchtime and he would randomly smack you in the face when you least expected it. 

I remember one afternoon making a break for it.  I called myself getting a head start on the run home but Stanley caught me.  No groping this time though.  Instead he cornered me between a wall and a mud puddle and began to splash mud all over me.  I think that this incident prompted me to finally tell my parents about this kid.  Back then, there was no bully prevent week, no educational initiatives to counter bullying; just some old fashioned sage advice from my parents...you'll have to stand up for yourself and fight back.  Fast forward to high school and Stan Beckton.  I was truly a target in high school; greasy Jheri Curl, dark skinned with a tooth pick physique and Tough Skin jeans from Sears.  While a lot of kids picked on me, Stan was the worst.  Everyday Stan had something nasty to say to me that would garner huge laughs.  He had every dark girl joke in the book that he would hurl at me and the laughs would follow.  I finally fought back one day when Stan took it upon himself to play a joke on me by pulling my chair out from under me as I sat down.  I hit the floor, my glasses broke, and everyone laughed.  I don’t know where my energy came from but what happened next was out of character for me.

I picked up my chair and began to hit Stan with it. I was yelling and crying and can’t remember anyone trying to stop me, but once I realized what I had done (I broke his glasses too), I collected my things, went to the office and told the secretary what I did.  I called my mom and ask her to come and get me. Needless to say, Stan didn't bother me anymore. But why did it have to come to this.  Weren't my tears enough for him to see that he was hurting me?

I often wonder where Stanley Polite and Stan Beckton are, if they’re parents, and what type of children they have.  I wonder if they remember how many people they hurt with their teasing and bullying.  I also think about those people who stood by laughing or walked away secretly thanking God that they weren’t me. 

I didn’t grow up to be one of those adults who goes on the Maury show to confront my high school bully (You know the episodes I’m talking about…the ones where the nerdy high school girl turned triple D-cup exotic dancer confronts the guy who bullied her in high school and begs for an apology) but as a mom, I think about the impact that those two boys had on my life, and make it a point to talk to my children about their own actions. 

My children are all different:  we’ve got one cool kid (who’s a jokester at times), one creative kid who enjoys the arts, sports and everything in between (and who sometimes gets teased), and then there’s our little Lady Bug who’s a sweet girl who seems to be excepted by her preschool peers. (At the ripe old age of 1, our baby’s biggest challenge is the staircase).  We’ve wiped a few tears because hurtful things have been said or because someone is getting teased too much, but a few weeks ago we had a major bullying moment.  One of our sons was told in a nutshell that he didn’t have any friends and that he was nothing more than a tag-along.  My husband and I took time to talk about feeling, teasing and respect.  And we had to be real and say, this was mild compared to what some mean kids will say and do.  We also stressed the importance of them not bullying each other because in my experience, sometimes, the harshest words can come from those in your own family.

In September of this year, father, James Jones confronted his daughter’s bullies on the school bus after boys did everything from tease to throw condoms at her on the ride to and from school. While, I don’t condone his approach (the cursing, yelling, threats [see video]), it’s sad to say that  in this day and age, bullying has gotten so bad that drastic measure are a must.  My heart went out to this family because I’ve been where that little girl is and I know that the dad truly meant to do nothing more than protect his daughter.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/dad-loses-cool-threatens-students-bus/story?id=11660119&page=1

When I look back on my life, what has hurt me the most are harsh words said by people in the spirit of ugliness and a show of their own lack of self esteem and self worth.  As a mother I know I can’t protect my children from something that some may view as a natural part of growing up, but I can do my part to make sure my children don’t engage in bullying, don’t stand by idly while others are bullied and empower them with the knowledge of self-love and respect so their esteem won’t be challenged by those who find pleasure in breaking other’s spirits.

Answering the Difficult Questions

The other day Tyler and I were driving home and shortly after I pulled out of the parking lot at her school she asked me a question.  “Why doesn’t Madison see his mom?”  The first thing I thought was damn, why couldn’t she ask this question when we got closer to home…I’d have less time to ponder an answer?  Here I am with a 20 minute ride trying to figure out whether to avoid or answer the question.  She asks me again.

Back story:  in February of this year Micah was granted custody of Madison and by the order of the court, his mom has only supervised visits three times a month.  The visits were consistent at first, then they became sporadic and by August, no visits at all; hence, Tyler’s question… I suppose.

Trying to explain to a four year old why her brothers don’t live with their mom and dad like she does was a challenge for both her father and I, but we managed to do it and suffice to say, she hasn’t asked that question again.  But I struggled to answer her most recent question and for 20 minutes, I stuttered and stammered, tried to change the subject and finally just told her that I didn’t know.

Truth be told, I don’t know why some women will live a life that is not complimentary to being a mother.  I don’t want to waste any of my words on talking about ‘her’ per say but it pains me to see my son (I hate the term stepson) in the space that he is in.  I know that if the four year old has questions then certainly the child who is directly impacted by the absence of a mother has questions as well.  Sometimes, I look into his big brown eyes and I can see the pain.  I wish that I really knew what he experienced prior to living with us fulltime, I wish I could make it right and even wish I could make the guilt and pain that his dad has go away as well. 

When I made the decision to become a mom, I made the decision to give up weekend after weekend of nightlight and girlfriend outings, monthly spa days, grandiose shopping sprees…you get the picture.  I’m not saying I don’t indulge in those things from time to time now, but I enjoy ‘grown up’ moments with my sister friends and hubby in moderation.  My sons and daughter come first and I enjoy making the necessary sacrifices to make their lives more abundant. 

While I pray that the custody situation remains as it is, I also pray that Madison’s mom gets a reality check and wakes up.  To her I say (not that her eyes will grace this blog) you were blessed by God to even be given the privilege of carrying an angel in your womb and it was Our Father’s assumption that you would raise your child in a way pleasing to him and live a life conducive to doing so.

In the meantime my wonderful husband and I will continue to do what we love to do and that is be parents and be a family and we can only hope that when Madison begins to ask the difficult questions, that we have the right answers.

Words from a Mahogany Mom

A few months ago, a wonderful sister-friend suggested I write a blog (you remember that Syb?) well, it’s taken a few additional months to think about it, pray on it and visualize a commitment to monthly blogging but I've decided to commit myself to writing a blog with the aim of reaching out to other African American moms.

The past few years of my life have been amazing, but they’ve also been marked with their share of ups and downs, drama, legal woes and day-to-day moments of frustration and uncertainty. While many women (regardless of color) can relate to bits and pieces of my story, I think that my life is worth sharing because I bring a unique perspective to motherhood; I’m a stepmother to two boys who have different mothers, I’m an adopted women who found both biological parents, and am a educator with a history of teaching at HBCUs.

I know the blogosphere is filled with words of wisdom from those who are self-proclaimed experts in everything from blogs about knitting to those offering a political voice.  My goal is simple; to share a piece of myself that will help other women, make them laugh, give them the freedom to take off the super-girl cape from time to time and most importantly to provide a forum where women don’t have to be afraid to embrace their lived experiences.

Stay tuned for more from this Mahogany Mom.