The Ugly Secret on College Campuses

As a college professor (going into my 12^th year) not a semester goes by in which a young woman doesn’t come to me with the heart wrenching story of acquaintance rape or dating violence.  In semester’s past, I’ve begged students to at least seek counseling if they were resolved to keeping this a secret. In many of the instances, these enterprising young ladies, have their spirits broken by men that they have to attend classes with, eat with, share social space with and even have to deal with some of these guys harassing them to make sure they keep this dirty little secret.

Today was my breaking point. An individual came to me in tears and shared such a graphic story that I almost vomited.  What sickened me wasn’t necessarily her account of what amounted to a gang rape but the fact that by a process of elimination I could identify the perpetrators...who I will have to teach in coming semesters. I fought back tears as she sat crouched on my sofa blaming herself for being intoxicated, for not going home…for going out in the first place.  I assured her that this reckless disregard for human life was not her fault and that somehow, some way, we need to begin the healing process. 

Out of respect for this young woman, I won’t share any other details of this traumatic experience, but I will offer this.  As campus administrators, I believe we have a responsibility to make sure our students are safe, have access to counseling and support when needed, and that there is due process when appropriate.  I have vowed not to let another semester go by in which a young women pours her heart out to me and shares the gruesome details of a sexual assault.  I praise God everyday that this has not been a part of my personal lived experience as a woman but my heart has been pricked one too many times by horrific accounts of what so called guy ‘friends’ do in a moment of  “drunkenness” and extremely poor judgment.  Rape is a heinous crime and it permeates college campuses across this country.  We need to take a stand to educate our young men and young women about these life changing acts of violence which rob so many bright college students of their vigor and zest for life.  I don’t have a plan but I know something must be done - - beyond the resources that colleges and universities offer because they aren’t working. 

For those of you who walk in my same shoes, blessings as you go to campuses as mentors, mother figures, sister-friends and confidant and please share your thoughts, opinions and solutions to this hidden secret. 

The Present but Absent Father

I read an article about the Mayor of Philadelphia who chided black parents of young children responsible for a rash of violent flash mobs in the city this summer. Mayor Nutter called out absent fathers who fail to do nothing more but serve as sperm donors or ATMs to their children and pointed the finger at this not so new phenomenon as the root cause of the problem we are having with some of today's youth. While his sermon (or political church speech) was on target/insightful (and offensive to some in the black community) it made me think about fathers who are at home physically but remain absent in their children's lives.

On any given summer afternoon, I can look around my neighborhood...let me back up - I can look out at our cul-de-sac and see a bunch of young boys playing basketball with my husband and sons. Many come in for dinner or snacks and some have even been afforded the privilege of sleeping over. I've even asked my husband when he was going to give himself a break as the neighborhood dad because the time playing basketball or hanging out with the neighborhood kids often turns in to homework time, additional carpool duties, etc.  What I've come to notice is that it is the same set of boys that have gravitated to this "Kool Aid" house. To my knowledge, all of them have two parents in the home but I have to ask myself, why are they playing ball or going to the pool or just hanging out with their fathers.  So of course, I do some informal research, and find out that most dads are sleeping or watching TV or doing odd things around the house.

This is something that very few of us talk about or probably even notice...The Present but Absent Dad. It is a blessing in this day and age that there are so many two-parent households but providing food, clothing and shelter is not the end of the line when it comes to parenting. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I did have some challenges with my dad growing up, as he was a functioning alcoholic, but even through his drunkenness, he was there…cheering us on at choir concerts or gymnastics meets; family outings and fishing trips. He would even travel to JMU for every parent’s weekend wearing this cheesy shirt that read "My Dollars and Daughter Go to JMU".


What I've come to notice is that a number of today's dads are just sitting on the sofa and channel surfing, mowing the lawn or 'catching up' on sleep. There is a new breed of fathers who believe that their work is done outside of the home and that the mother is there to raise, mentor, discipline and celebrate the children. There are a number of dads that I can name that are extremely active in their children's lives (for fear of leaving anyone out…no list this time) and their kids are better citizens and young leaders in the making because of this.


To me, the present but absent father is just as negative as the totally absent father.  It is a hurtful thing for a child to ask a parent for companionship and attention, only to be told no…regardless of the reason.  Sure, as parents, we all have our moments when we’re tired, overly extended or have been so emotionally beaten up that we can barely care for ourselves, but through the muck and meyer of what we call life, we’ve got to find a way to strengthen our parenting skills and carve out time for our kids. 


No one can be 100% all the time, but the partnership that a mom and dad has is essential to the building up of independent children with high self esteem and strong values. I don't see shutting down the cul-de-sac activities or closing the pantry to hungry boys, but I'd like to challenge all parents to support each other and encourage one another to be present in the lives of their children.


So, as the little one tugs on the mouse and tries to pull me away from the computer, I offer you this: At the end of the day, we all reap what we sew.  If you aren't there for your children now, you run the risk not having them there for you in your golden years.



http://www.theblaze.com/stories/youve-damaged-your-own-race-philly-mayor-blasts-teens-flash-mobs/

When Mommy Faces Financial Challenges

In the wake of what seems to be a looming double dip recession, many families will probably continue to struggle with financial issues on the home front, which means everything from back to school to Christmas shopping (may seem far off but my husband usually starts shopping right after the back to school rush, maybe you do too) will once again be threatened. 

If you’re like me, it’s hard to say ‘no’ sometimes and I can’t help but feel that I have a responsibility to do what my parents did for me - - make my children’s lives better than mine and afford them access to opportunities and things that I didn’t experience growing up.  Well to that end, my parents did a really good job, so I try to mirror much of what my childhood experience was like; traveling, theater and the arts, family nights out on the town, trying to grant every wish on a birthday or Christmas list, etc. but there is one difference.  My parents did this when there was no recession (or that I can remember).  The worse thing that I do remember was the gas crisis in the 80s but that only meant getting up early to get gas on your assigned day…not sacrificing the material things in life.

Fortunately, my husband and I have been blessed with emotionally and financially rewarding careers but the key to not having to face too many financial challenges has been my husband’s golden rule (not sure if he stole this from Suze Orman or not) “Live below you means.”  When we got engaged and my husband took the reins of the household, he readjusted my entire financial ideology.  You see, I’ve made a pretty good living all of my life and prior to marriage I was able to maintain a home; purchase cars for cash and even cared for my ailing parents, saved my then 6 months of salary (according to NBC financial analysts it’s now a cushy 8 months salary that should be saved) and still have money to spend.  My philosophy was paying your bills, tithes (and I didn’t do that on a regular basis back then) then shop or go on my weekly 5-star dining tour of the Metropolitan area.  Back then, I didn’t care about a credit rating and financial planning for a family was nowhere on my radar.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to do what my husband said to do (that living below your means thing) but hindsight is that it turned out to be a blessing.  Not once during our nation’s financial dog and pony show have we had to make drastic changes or deny our children anything for financial reasons.  We’ve managed to be diligent about living below our means and even use my adjunct money for family expenses including clothing, school needs, and vacation spending money. I also cut back a 15.00 a day Starbucks habit and now use my Keurig to make Delaware’s best iced coffees for about 15.00 a month.  I also reduced the number of spa trips.  Back in the day, I’d have car service to and from the spa so that I could have a truly relaxing day and would spend hundreds on treatments.  I was also getting my nails and hair done every week.  I still get my nails done but maybe once or twice a month and I’ve learned to care for my own short and sassy hair cut.  On the shopping front, I’m down with the new chic shoppers…and have become a Goodwill Goddess (hey…I need to trademark that!) and I’m no longer at Tiffany’s every month treating myself, but I’ve found pleasure in upscale consignment shopping and allow my coupon savvy husband, who LOVES to shop handle much of the clothes shopping for the kids and the house.  Although I fall off the financial wagon from time-to-time, finances are not our biggest worries.

So as the sun sets on the summer of 2011 and most of us prepare for school and a barrage of upcoming holidays and family events, I offer you what Suze Orman offers to her many followers: adopt a new American Dream, one that focuses on happiness and fulfillment and not things.

So what does this mean to you?  I’m not sure, but I can tell you what this means to me.  For starters I had to take baby steps.  A few years ago I cleaned up my credit (or should I say my husband did this) and got rid of all but one credit card.  I made a commitment to stop being financially dishonest with my husband by hiding purchases and vowed to openly discuss financial matters.  Lastly, before any major spending I ask myself ‘is it a want or a need’. My new American Dream is being able to indulge my children in cultural and education activities (many of which are free to the public and oftentimes, seem to be the most exciting for our family), being creative (e.g. Fast Food Fridays in which everyone helps to make the weeks most unhealthy meal of everything from homemade mozzarella sticks, to chicken fingers and potato skins and milkshakes) to Me and Micah’s night out on the lawn which usually happens after he’s done Grand Prix lawn cutting on the riding mower and amounts to nothing more than us sitting on the grass drinking a glass of wine and just hanging out with each other.  These moments are priceless or should I say low cost, and are exactly what we need in this broken economy.  Even more importantly, these are ways to carve out special time with children and spouses and create moments that are unmatched by any material possession.

I truly don’t have this financial thing figured out.  If I did, I’d be quoting myself and not Suze Orman or I might even be on the cover of my own “F” magazine like Lady O, but one thing I do know is that control of your finances can make or break you and I don’t want to be broken because I need ensure that my children grow up to be financially savvy adults and it all start with what they see in the home.

Not a day goes by where stock market or business news shows anything but a bleak prospectus for the average Jo or Joan.  The threat of this financial burden being inherited by our children is more present than ever and we need to teach them fiscal responsibility now.  Be honest with your children about financial issues (they are resilient and whether you talk to them or not, they know they are growing up in poor economic times), don’t feel pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and get your children involved in the saving process.  Most of all, find ways to cut back but creating lasting family moments that everyone can cherish.