Eleven years ago, I found my biological parents. I was reluctant to do so at first because I always had this belief that God put me exactly where he wanted me to be…with my mom and dad (LeRoi and Laura) who adopted me.
In 1996, I began suffering from Neuralgia, a disorder that causes sharp pain at the nerve endings in the brain. I had an attack so severe that my parents had to rush me to the hospital and when the attending physicians asked about my medical history, my parents had no answers. After being released from the hospital, my dad asked me to find my biological parents so that I could get as much of my medical history as possible. He convinced me to do so by sharing the fear he and my mom felt while I was hospitalized and told me that I’d be a parent someday and he didn’t want me to feel as helpless as they did when I took ill. I agreed…to do just that; get my medical history and walk away.
I had no desire to really ‘meet’ my biological parents, to know anything about them, and quite frankly I was happy with Brenda as my sister; she had given me everything I needed as a younger sibling- -she picked on me, she protected me, we shared secrets and we were as close as two siblings could be - - so I wasn’t even concerned about the prospect of having other siblings.
In July of 1998, my dad passed after a lengthy battle with Leukemia. I spent a year caring for my mom who had a stroke that left her paralyzed on the right side, trying to finish graduate school, and taking care of financial loose-ends. I needed to take a break from reality. Fortunately, during the summer of 1999, I was given the opportunity to do some traveling for my job which took me to the Caribbean for a few weeks.
I was in Barbados when I got a call from Elaine Wagner, the social worker at the DC Department of Health assigned to my case. In her voice mail message, she told me that she had made contact with my biological parents, and according to her records, they had been in contact with her because they were trying to locate me. She told me that they weren’t together, but they had kept in contact with each other. I immediately called Brenda and my best friends Bianca and Nayada and told them about the message. They told me not to call her back until I got home, in case it was bad news, so when I landed in Florida, I call her back with my sister and best friends on the 3-way. She explained to me the process for uniting adopted children with their biological parents and told me that she would coordinate the initial conference calls to both of my biological parents. She also assured me that I was under no obligation to meet with them, share any personal information (other than what I already shared), or agree to have further contact with them.
It was all so simple. I’d ask them about their medical history on the conference call and that would be the end of it. I spoke with my biological mother, Donetta Clark first. I really didn’t have much to say, which opened the door for her to lead the conversation. She knew where I worked as a result of some of the information I shared with Mrs. Wagner, the social worker, so Donetta talked about that. She asked me how long I had worked at Black Entertainment Television and if I was working there when the show Teen Summit adopted a family in Washington, DC for the Teen Summit Holiday special. My response was yes; I’d been working at BET for a few years and actually worked along-side the producer Sita [then Milam] Lewis to do the holiday show. Then she asked me if I remembered her. I thought to myself, why should I remember you…that was years ago? She then hits me with this - - “You don’t remember me and my [then] six children? We’re your family. I’m your mother.”
I was speechless. I had been in this woman’s house for several days, videotaping and rearranging her home, setting up lights, and staging camera shots, and was in the presence of my biological mother without even knowing. I was so overwhelmed that I cut the conversation short. It took me a few days to take the conference call with my biological father, but I chose to do this from work. I called Mrs. Wagner and she placed a call to a man by the name of Anthony Yancey. He was direct and to the point. He wanted to set up a time to meet with me because talking over the phone was his idea of a first meeting. As I was sitting there listening to him talk, I got this eerie sense; I’d heard this name before but could quite put my finger on it. I thought to myself, maybe he was someone in the entertainment industry that I’d worked with before, so I began to thumb through my Rolodex and lo and behold, there it was…his contact information: Anthony Yancey, The Mall at Prince George’s -Operations Manager. I exclaimed, “You’re the guy I talk to every week to book my shoots at the mall! And you’re always mean to me!” We were both awe struck. I told him about the conversation with Donetta and at that moment, I knew it was Gods design that I meet my biological parents.
I had no expectations about what was to come. In fact the thought of finding my biological parents was the furthest thing from my mind and I made a promise to myself not to be open, not to find a connection and not to care. It wasn’t that simple.
My journey was not like that of some of my adopted friends who spent years trying to find their biological parents only to be told that the biological parents had no desire to meet them. My journey was effortless; one phone call to a social worker and two phone calls later, I was in contact with my biological parents. The beginning stage of the relationship with both of my biological parents was rough at times. Even as an adult with one deceased parent and one ailing parent, I had loyalty issues. I felt as if I was betraying my mom and dad, even though it was their desire for me to find my biological parents. I also felt pressure to try and cultivate a relationship with 11 younger siblings and to try and fit in to two thriving families.
It was easier to communicate with my biological father because my dad had passed away and slowly but surely, Anthony began to fill a void. He helped to pay for my wedding, was there for the births of our children and was even by my side when I miscarried in 2008. He stepped in as grandfather and was the supportive, protective father when I hit a wall in my personal life. It wasn’t after I got married that I began to develop a close relationship with Donetta. There have been many nights when I’ve called her for motherly advice (and some occasions, where I was on the receiving end of some tough motherly love) but every moment since 1999 has been a blessing.
Eleven years later I truly see God’s gift in action. I still don’t have any medical information. I don’t even think I’ve ever asked. That probably wasn’t God’s plan for me. My children are fortunate enough to have their grandparents in their lives as a result of the unselfish request of the grandfather they will never know. I have supportive parents and stepparents, who not only care about me but are there for my older sister and her family and I will always have a story of God’s divine intervention.
For those of you who have been thinking about this journey, pray on it and be ready for what may lie ahead on that road. If you’ve completed the journey with an attitude similar to the attitude I had when I started, open your heart so that your narrative can be different and so that you can be blessed. If you’ve made this journey and have met with disappointing results, know that God still has something great in store for you.
So as I drove to work sulking because no one seemed to be on my side of the Christmas shopping argument, I began to think…think about the real reason for the season and the advertising blitz that seems to make thankfulness, praising of God and the merriment of family take a back seat to fighting for the latest gadgets to be placed under our trees.