If they're good enough to raise your children they're good enough to receive the financial support too

As we near the start of another school year I pondered what to blog about: Ferguson. The article my husband shared with me about not blaming  black parents for underachieving kids or the article I read about putting the public back into public education.

As the school year starts there are two people in my life that are starting over, as parents that is.  For the last year so these two individuals have been raising two of their nieces.

Grandparents (or older family members on fixed incomes) raising kids is not a new trend.  According to the U.S. Census over 2.4 million grandparents have responsibility for their grandchildren. Grandparents often have legal difficulties related to obtaining guardianship, enrolling their grandchildren in school, and accessing medical care for their grandchildren. They may also have concerns related to custody battles with other grandparents or their grandchildren’s parents.  Because they often have limited financial resources, grandparents may experience difficulty providing adequate housing, food, and clothing.

The financial aspect of starting all over to raise children is probably the most frustrating. In many instances the biological parents continue to receive public assistance or financial assistance for their children but choose not to turn any of these services over to the individual now responsible for raising their children.  To make matters worse this couple is functioning in a family court system that doesn't make the process of transferring any financial support that the biological parents have to the new relatives who have legally assumed custody a smooth process.

As this willing couple goes through the school vaccination process, shops for new clothes and school supplies the biological parents choose to keep any and all state support for themselves.  Like most grandparents or adults faced with the situation they're trying to work through the system to get all the financial support needed to take care of the children but they find themselves in paperwork hell. The same court system that quickly granted them custody of the children now makes it challenging for them to get the money that they need to take care of these two little girls.

Sure, this couple and others like them who are taking care of their grandchildren or other young relative will make a way but you have to ask yourself where is the accountability. When a parent knowingly signs over legal custody of their children they should also sign over any financial assistance that they are receiving. It's only fair.

In my heart I know that these individuals were chosen to take on this responsibility not just by the biological parents but by a higher being. God has a way of entrusting his lambs with those shepherds in the community who will give their all to make sure those lambs are safe, but all those shepherds need support.

I've had my share of experiences in the family court system as someone who stood by my husband as he managed some challenging family court issues and I'll be the first to say that things have to change.

Grandparents and other retirees should be enjoying life; taking dance lessons, traveling the world, enjoying their retired or semi retired lives but that's not the case. Buying diapers, participating in the PTA, becoming a soccer parent all over  again is becoming a norm for many older Americans.  Their lives  have changed and now they're faced with the question of whether to commit resources to battling a court system or if they should invest those funds into the young lives that they now responsible for shaping and molding.

As the school year begins and as I turn in supplies for my own kids along with the list of community classroom supplies I think about the faces that are in that classroom and wonder how many grandparents are raising kids, how many aunts are raising nieces how many uncles are pitching in. My heart goes out to each and everyone of them as they try to make a good life for the child that they now call their own.

I pray that these individuals have the strength and courage and the resources to continue to fight the system so that every month financial resources won't be going to biological parents who have chosen to be absent; who have chosen to no longer have the responsibility of taking care of the children that they brought into this world. I also hope that the future brings legislation that will automatically transfer support if a biological parent willingly gives up the rights to parent their children.

Until that time we all need to step up to the plate to help those in need especially when we have families members on fixed or retired incomes that willingly take on the responsibility to start all over
and raise someone else's children.

Parenting 101: Does anyone have the right to critic your parenting skills?

Let me first begin by saying that we are not perfect.  The last time I checked (and I don’t check often because I spend the majority of my time trying to be a wife, mother, educator, upstanding citizen, blah, blah, blah [you get the point]) no one in this world is perfect.  I also did a quick scan of the Internet and while there were over 75,100,000 hits when I put in ‘the perfect parent’ the first 10 articles that I read were titled as such just to get the reader’s attention and moreover spoke to the fact that there is no such thing, and that there are ways to be a good/better parent.  The journey that my husband and I have taken as spouses and parents has not been paved in gold however, the fact that we constantly communicate, focus on improvement and truly enjoy these roles have made it a wonderful and priceless journey thus far.

I’ve never been one to outright give parenting or marital advice but what I have been blessed to received from true friends and family that really care about my growth as a woman, mother and wife, is the sharing of personal stories and testimonies that I can learn from (probably one of the main reasons that I started blogging a few years ago).  I believe that there is truly something to be said for someone who will open their heart to you so that your life can be made richer.   The challenge that we all face in life is to sometimes step out on faith to make decisions that will impact the lives of others.  As a parent, this is something that we are tasked with doing every day.  As our children grow older sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board but when it’s all said and done our initial intent is good.  No, our kids aren’t going to like every rule or family tradition, they will not take kindly to every directive and sometimes tears will be shed, but in our humble home the focus is always on doing what is right based a mixture of how my husband and I were raised and what works for today’s family.

That becomes a challenge too when your parenting skills are dissected like a 9^th grade biology experiment or when society begins to regulate (or at least tries to regulate) how you should or shouldn’t parent your children.  I believe that we take age, gender and level of maturity into consideration when we make choices for our children.  In our household, we also have to be mindful of the fact that we are a blended family and consideration of that has to be factored in as well. I believe that we are effective as parents because we make a conscious effort to develop and clarify clear expectations for our children, work hard to stay calm in the midst of turmoil when our kids gets upset and follow through with positive and negative consequences.  We both also realize that being a positive role model is a big part of the foundation of good parenting and the basis for understanding between ourselves as parents and our children.

It is extremely hurtful when you know in your heart that you are functioning in the best interest of your children but critics weigh in and say otherwise.  Close your eyes for a moment and image this…how would you feel or how have you felt when you’re told that someone has said something to tear your down behind your back?  Now imaging that someone tears your down in the presences of others?  Let’s apply that to parenting skills. It’s not a good feeling at all, especially for a parent who spends every waking moment providing for, praying for, and caring for their children; mentoring, nurturing and loving their children; trying hard to be a good (not perfect) example of a parent, spouse and friend. 

My life may not be filled with material possessions; it may not be glamorous or carefree, but that’s fine.  What my life is filled with is something we call FT…that’s family time; a time where we can share an hour or so with our kids, playing games, taking a walk, watching a moving and yes even having a burping contest, but that’s what makes our family whole.  What my life is filled with is Fast Food Friday’s…a time where it’s all hands on deck and we’re in the kitchen making our favorite junk food for dinner.  What my life is filled with are patient kids who will let me take them to farms, parks and sometimes weird places to practice my hobby of photography. What my life is filled with are those moments no one sees when my kids make me laugh and smile and affirm the fact that that this is the real job that I was chosen to do. 

Are there times when we fight?  Yep…especially when it comes to sibling rivalry, issues of respect and reciprocity, cleaning rooms and yes…homework, but that’s all a part of this thing we call parenting.  Are there times when the growing pains of teenage years cause us to shed tears as parents? Yes, but we have and will continue to weather those storms too. 

The financial, emotional and physical needs of our children are our responsibility and we manage this in a healthy, holistic and positive way.  It may not be the ‘right’ way in the eyes of some, but because we don’t have all of the answers we are willing to tweak, learn and grow in this process just as our children are growing.  I would love to live in a world where not a negative word is spoken, but that ain’t happen’.  We’re human and even I sometimes I have had a flowery tongue that has hurt others.  Those are moments I regret, but one thing that I can say without hesitation is that I have not criticized and parent whom I know is truly dedicated to his or her children and does what we do…live for our children!  Although it is a blessing to be a parent, I know how hard the task is so to criticize others would be shameful on my part.  I also believe that because we try to surround ourselves with like-minded families there is little room for this type of criticism. I draw the line when our intentions as parents come into question.  One thing that I’ve learned to do is to put myself in the other person’s shoes before leaping to judgment.    That’s all we can ask of each other.  As far as this thing called parenting is concerned; if there is a super nanny who has ‘fixed’ a family or if anyone out there has raised a cherub with absolutely NO problems (I’m talking everything from talking back, to peeing the bed, to tantrums, to fighting siblings, to not eating vegetables, to not wanting to take bath, to missing home working assignments or doing homework and not turning it in, to not putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket and clean clothes in the drawers, to not losing a winter coat every year, to not telling you how much cooler friend X’s parents are, to not rolling eyes, to not mumbling under ones breath, etc.) please, please, please in box me…you’re hired immediately.

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” –Frederick Douglass