The Power of Words and Civil Discourse Starts at Home

The Arizona Sheriff said it best (although he’s facing some tough criticism for editorializing)...”the anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous.” I’m not certain that the issues will be addressed in a manner that that will usher in a new tone when it comes to political discourse, but this incident has gotten people talking.  As a read through some of the posts on my FB page the finger pointing at political parties was front and center, however, as I reflected on the toxic political tone that is sweeping this country, what came to mind what when and where do we learn the power of words and the sometimes negative impact of our free expression?

This incident has cast a glaring light on the venomous nature of politics.  While this is not a new phenomenon, it begs the question, why so much anger, why so harsh, why so relentless in our effort to convey one’s own political views and/or position on issues concerning this nation.  According to an Associate Press article, some suggests that politics has become too personal, while other believe that a year-long debate over health care (and other issues) along with numerous emotionally charged town hall meetings may have set the tone for the tragic event in Arizona. 

According to Democratic Rep. Raul Grijalva, whose Arizona district also includes parts of Tucson, "Anger and hate fuel reactions." He went on to say that the nation must assess the fallout of "an atmosphere where the political discourse is about hate, anger and bitterness."

Beyond the political environment, where do we learn hatred, bitterness and anger? More often than not these things are learned at home. As a mother and educator, I’ve witnessed many uncivil acts amongst my children and the students I teach and advise almost on a daily basis.  From an innocent snatch of a toy, to a Tweet or FB post that bears all about someone’s personal life, to disrespectful comments made by students in front of faculty or staff, to arguments that ensure between peers during a classroom discussion…incivility prevails.  The old adage ‘if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all’ has been replace by ‘speak your mind [or put your thoughts in print] and any cost’.  

So how does this relate to our home lives?

Many of us are living and struggling to survive in households where there is little time to commit to educating our children about common courtesy, respect for elders or authority figures or to teach our young people how to engage in discourse that yields respect and understanding for diversity of thought and opinions. You may say to yourself, “I do this”, but what I’m getting at is that we should be doing this in a proactive educational manner rather than from a reactive posture when an incident occurs. Constant reinforcement of good behavior and looking at life for its teaching moments when the waters are calm are indeed more effective. The average parents begin the day frustrated and short on time (and patience) and when they return home from a job that has challenged them emotional and physically, they find themselves trying to manage hours of homework and/or extracurricular activities and other commitments which can cause anyone to fly off the deep end. I have to admit that some of my evenings end with me talking through my teeth and trying to get four kids from one place to another in one piece or I have to take a time out from homework because I’m frustrated or overwhelmed.  As we cycle through life we tend to forget that we have to arm our children with the ability to effectively utilize one of the most powerful gifts that God has given us…our use of words.  When we don’t model a communication behavior in our home that allows others to speak without interruption, that allows those who may not agree with us to speak freely and without fear of retribution, when we don’t teach the importance of being civically astute and not abusive in terms of our right to freedom of speech, when we believe that we are more effective when we yell, curse and belittle, when we lash out with our silence, when we let our nonverbal communication shut down someone’s thought process, we pass these traits on to our children, who in turn carry these traits with them into the real world and become disruptive community leaders, overly aggressive businessmen and women, callous politicians and religious leaders and careless educators. 

As a realist, I have to give consideration to the fact that life does harden us and at times makes us react from an ‘eye for an eye’ perspective, however I firmly believe that if the foundation for being able to effectively navigate a climate where incivility and disregard for human kind may exist is already in place and practiced, individually and collectively, we increase our chances of being able to engage in discourse without incident.

In November of 2010, the Chairman of the National Endowment of the Humanities, Jim Leach spoke at Delaware State.  His yearlong platform was a focus on incivility.  According to Chairman Leach, “In an era where declining civility increasingly hallmarks domestic politics and where anarchy has taken root in many parts of the world, it is imperative that cultural differences at home and abroad be respectfully understood, rather than irrationally denigrated.”   Now more than ever, our role as parents is increasing important.  We can no longer embrace the spirit of dysfunction as something that ‘has’ to exist because of the chaotic world in which we live, play and work.  We have a responsibility to raise children that can lead households and this nation with respect and candor not just for the things in which they believe but for this positions and platforms that are important to others.  Think about the next time one of your kids tells the other to shut up (which happened as I typed this blog entry).  Do you scream at the perpetrator or do you remind them in a stern way that the behavior and discourse is not appropriate or approved of in your home and that there will be a punishment if the behavior continues.  Think about the next time someone snaps at you at work.  Do you snap back or do you take a moment to collect your thoughts and respond in a civil manner despite the other person’s insensitivity and awareness of their poor communication style.  Think about the next time someone offers a religious or political opinion that is opposite of your view.  Do you go off on a diatribe that belittles the person and his or her entire religious community or political party or do you engage in a fair and equitable conversation that leads both participations to a better understand of the views?

Civil discourse has to start in our homes because what we learn at home undergirds our behavior in all facets of life.