Separate But Equal: Four Different Discipline Plans-One Home

I knew what I was getting into as a step parent, but I didn’t know that the issue of discipline would be such a challenge.  There are experts that say that step parents are not supposed to discipline their step children and to leave that up to the parent. Theoretically, this sounds good (and if you’ve ever been in family court, a judge will basically say the same thing).  Realistically, this may be difficult in many homes where couples have joint custody.  In our case, there is joint custody and joint residency. My husband is a fire fighter and works 24 hour shifts, which means there times when I manage the household and the children on my own.  As a result, there are times when it is impossible for me not to discipline the kids.  Honestly, I would love not to get involve at that level (for obvious reasons) but that’s unrealistic. 

There are four philosophies of discipline that are exercised in our home.   There is a relaxed level of discipline with our eldest child, a drill sergeant-boot camp style with the next child and a new-aged “Love and Logic^©” (http://www.loveandlogic.com/) approach with the third child and thus far, we haven’t come up with a discipline plan of action for the one year old whose greatest offense is leaving Hansel and Gretel-like trails of crumbs from room to room.

Our children haven’t gotten to the point where they exclaim “that’s not fair,” [well, our daughter seems to think everything isn’t fair…I guess that’s what you do when you’re four] when a level of punishment is levied that doesn’t seem suitable in their eyes, but my fear is that they will begin to see or sense a level of differential treatment when it comes to how they are disciplined.    As a parent, it’s difficult for me to find a balance when it comes to disciplining the children I gave birth to and disciplining the fine young boys that became my sons after marriage.

My husband and I have had several conversations about discipline in our home but I don’t think he truly realized where I’m coming from as the step parent.   I also think that in a larger context, the relationship that we both have with the biological mothers seems to dictate or to some degree have an impact on how we approach discipline.  When infractions occur, especially with my two oldest sons, I often refer to my husband.  I do this because as the stepparent, it’s safe for me.  I’ve had some issues that I’ll talk about in future blogs that have made me truly leery about disciplining them beyond a stern “Go to your room,” but I also realized that I have to share equally in the discipline in our home.  Children are not static beings and as they evolve and grow, so too must the parents.  When I am in charge, I exercise a plan for discipline that is age and gender appropriate but one that is not so extreme that it becomes obviously unfair. 

The other day I think there was something in the water because all of our children seemed to be beside themselves.   My husband ran up the stairs to break up argument that had been brewing for a couple of minutes and after his speech about respect, keeping your hands to yourself, and how flatulence was  not funny (especially in a room with the door shut), there was one punishment for all…take your baths and go to bed.  Only if every situation could be this easy…

Here are a few guidelines for making discipline as a stepparent  easier [1]:

1. If you are the stepparent (and it’s early on in the relationship/marriage), let your partner handle most discipline during the first few months and, in some cases, years. Children accept guidance and discipline more easily from someone they trust, love, and have lived with than from a newcomer. As a stepparent, focus on building a strong relationship with the child.

2. Parents need to discuss rules and consequences as a couple. Talk about behavior problems and expectations with your new partner. This allows the stepparent to also be involved with discipline.

3. Leave the stepparent in charge when the child’s parent is gone. Tell your children before you  leave, “I’ve asked (stepparent’s name) to take over while I’m away.” This helps children  understand that the stepparent carries out rules both parents have agreed on. If possible, wait until the child’s parent returns to enforce the consequences.

4. Remember that a stepparent’s ability to handle discipline improves with time. Allow time for a

positive and loving relationship to develop before stepparents share equally in discipline. It may take longer with older children.

[1] Source: www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1547C.pdf#search='stepparent%20discipline'