If they're good enough to raise your children they're good enough to receive the financial support too

As we near the start of another school year I pondered what to blog about: Ferguson. The article my husband shared with me about not blaming  black parents for underachieving kids or the article I read about putting the public back into public education.

As the school year starts there are two people in my life that are starting over, as parents that is.  For the last year so these two individuals have been raising two of their nieces.

Grandparents (or older family members on fixed incomes) raising kids is not a new trend.  According to the U.S. Census over 2.4 million grandparents have responsibility for their grandchildren. Grandparents often have legal difficulties related to obtaining guardianship, enrolling their grandchildren in school, and accessing medical care for their grandchildren. They may also have concerns related to custody battles with other grandparents or their grandchildren’s parents.  Because they often have limited financial resources, grandparents may experience difficulty providing adequate housing, food, and clothing.

The financial aspect of starting all over to raise children is probably the most frustrating. In many instances the biological parents continue to receive public assistance or financial assistance for their children but choose not to turn any of these services over to the individual now responsible for raising their children.  To make matters worse this couple is functioning in a family court system that doesn't make the process of transferring any financial support that the biological parents have to the new relatives who have legally assumed custody a smooth process.

As this willing couple goes through the school vaccination process, shops for new clothes and school supplies the biological parents choose to keep any and all state support for themselves.  Like most grandparents or adults faced with the situation they're trying to work through the system to get all the financial support needed to take care of the children but they find themselves in paperwork hell. The same court system that quickly granted them custody of the children now makes it challenging for them to get the money that they need to take care of these two little girls.

Sure, this couple and others like them who are taking care of their grandchildren or other young relative will make a way but you have to ask yourself where is the accountability. When a parent knowingly signs over legal custody of their children they should also sign over any financial assistance that they are receiving. It's only fair.

In my heart I know that these individuals were chosen to take on this responsibility not just by the biological parents but by a higher being. God has a way of entrusting his lambs with those shepherds in the community who will give their all to make sure those lambs are safe, but all those shepherds need support.

I've had my share of experiences in the family court system as someone who stood by my husband as he managed some challenging family court issues and I'll be the first to say that things have to change.

Grandparents and other retirees should be enjoying life; taking dance lessons, traveling the world, enjoying their retired or semi retired lives but that's not the case. Buying diapers, participating in the PTA, becoming a soccer parent all over  again is becoming a norm for many older Americans.  Their lives  have changed and now they're faced with the question of whether to commit resources to battling a court system or if they should invest those funds into the young lives that they now responsible for shaping and molding.

As the school year begins and as I turn in supplies for my own kids along with the list of community classroom supplies I think about the faces that are in that classroom and wonder how many grandparents are raising kids, how many aunts are raising nieces how many uncles are pitching in. My heart goes out to each and everyone of them as they try to make a good life for the child that they now call their own.

I pray that these individuals have the strength and courage and the resources to continue to fight the system so that every month financial resources won't be going to biological parents who have chosen to be absent; who have chosen to no longer have the responsibility of taking care of the children that they brought into this world. I also hope that the future brings legislation that will automatically transfer support if a biological parent willingly gives up the rights to parent their children.

Until that time we all need to step up to the plate to help those in need especially when we have families members on fixed or retired incomes that willingly take on the responsibility to start all over
and raise someone else's children.

Parenting 101: Does anyone have the right to critic your parenting skills?

Let me first begin by saying that we are not perfect.  The last time I checked (and I don’t check often because I spend the majority of my time trying to be a wife, mother, educator, upstanding citizen, blah, blah, blah [you get the point]) no one in this world is perfect.  I also did a quick scan of the Internet and while there were over 75,100,000 hits when I put in ‘the perfect parent’ the first 10 articles that I read were titled as such just to get the reader’s attention and moreover spoke to the fact that there is no such thing, and that there are ways to be a good/better parent.  The journey that my husband and I have taken as spouses and parents has not been paved in gold however, the fact that we constantly communicate, focus on improvement and truly enjoy these roles have made it a wonderful and priceless journey thus far.

I’ve never been one to outright give parenting or marital advice but what I have been blessed to received from true friends and family that really care about my growth as a woman, mother and wife, is the sharing of personal stories and testimonies that I can learn from (probably one of the main reasons that I started blogging a few years ago).  I believe that there is truly something to be said for someone who will open their heart to you so that your life can be made richer.   The challenge that we all face in life is to sometimes step out on faith to make decisions that will impact the lives of others.  As a parent, this is something that we are tasked with doing every day.  As our children grow older sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board but when it’s all said and done our initial intent is good.  No, our kids aren’t going to like every rule or family tradition, they will not take kindly to every directive and sometimes tears will be shed, but in our humble home the focus is always on doing what is right based a mixture of how my husband and I were raised and what works for today’s family.

That becomes a challenge too when your parenting skills are dissected like a 9^th grade biology experiment or when society begins to regulate (or at least tries to regulate) how you should or shouldn’t parent your children.  I believe that we take age, gender and level of maturity into consideration when we make choices for our children.  In our household, we also have to be mindful of the fact that we are a blended family and consideration of that has to be factored in as well. I believe that we are effective as parents because we make a conscious effort to develop and clarify clear expectations for our children, work hard to stay calm in the midst of turmoil when our kids gets upset and follow through with positive and negative consequences.  We both also realize that being a positive role model is a big part of the foundation of good parenting and the basis for understanding between ourselves as parents and our children.

It is extremely hurtful when you know in your heart that you are functioning in the best interest of your children but critics weigh in and say otherwise.  Close your eyes for a moment and image this…how would you feel or how have you felt when you’re told that someone has said something to tear your down behind your back?  Now imaging that someone tears your down in the presences of others?  Let’s apply that to parenting skills. It’s not a good feeling at all, especially for a parent who spends every waking moment providing for, praying for, and caring for their children; mentoring, nurturing and loving their children; trying hard to be a good (not perfect) example of a parent, spouse and friend. 

My life may not be filled with material possessions; it may not be glamorous or carefree, but that’s fine.  What my life is filled with is something we call FT…that’s family time; a time where we can share an hour or so with our kids, playing games, taking a walk, watching a moving and yes even having a burping contest, but that’s what makes our family whole.  What my life is filled with is Fast Food Friday’s…a time where it’s all hands on deck and we’re in the kitchen making our favorite junk food for dinner.  What my life is filled with are patient kids who will let me take them to farms, parks and sometimes weird places to practice my hobby of photography. What my life is filled with are those moments no one sees when my kids make me laugh and smile and affirm the fact that that this is the real job that I was chosen to do. 

Are there times when we fight?  Yep…especially when it comes to sibling rivalry, issues of respect and reciprocity, cleaning rooms and yes…homework, but that’s all a part of this thing we call parenting.  Are there times when the growing pains of teenage years cause us to shed tears as parents? Yes, but we have and will continue to weather those storms too. 

The financial, emotional and physical needs of our children are our responsibility and we manage this in a healthy, holistic and positive way.  It may not be the ‘right’ way in the eyes of some, but because we don’t have all of the answers we are willing to tweak, learn and grow in this process just as our children are growing.  I would love to live in a world where not a negative word is spoken, but that ain’t happen’.  We’re human and even I sometimes I have had a flowery tongue that has hurt others.  Those are moments I regret, but one thing that I can say without hesitation is that I have not criticized and parent whom I know is truly dedicated to his or her children and does what we do…live for our children!  Although it is a blessing to be a parent, I know how hard the task is so to criticize others would be shameful on my part.  I also believe that because we try to surround ourselves with like-minded families there is little room for this type of criticism. I draw the line when our intentions as parents come into question.  One thing that I’ve learned to do is to put myself in the other person’s shoes before leaping to judgment.    That’s all we can ask of each other.  As far as this thing called parenting is concerned; if there is a super nanny who has ‘fixed’ a family or if anyone out there has raised a cherub with absolutely NO problems (I’m talking everything from talking back, to peeing the bed, to tantrums, to fighting siblings, to not eating vegetables, to not wanting to take bath, to missing home working assignments or doing homework and not turning it in, to not putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket and clean clothes in the drawers, to not losing a winter coat every year, to not telling you how much cooler friend X’s parents are, to not rolling eyes, to not mumbling under ones breath, etc.) please, please, please in box me…you’re hired immediately.

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” –Frederick Douglass

Is it Discrimination, Profiling or just Policy?

A few weeks ago a neighbor and I went to our clubhouse restaurant to address an issue related to the service our children and their friends at the establishment.  Our sons called us and told us that management refused to serve them as they had implemented a new rule to NOT serve patrons under 16 years of age.  Apparently some of the younger patrons had been guilty of displaying inappropriate behavior, being rude to staff, not tipping and fighting outside of the establishment.  The new rule is that residents under the age of 16 can order food to go but can't sit down and be served in the restaurant without an adult.  I totally understand that independent establishments can have their own rules (no cell phones, no children at certain hours, etc.) however this situation is different.  We pay fees to 'belong' to the clubhouse.  If you know me, then you know that this enraged me! I pay my fees and my family belongs to this clubhouse and has all the rights and privileges that a paying resident is entitled to.

When I spoke to management (which by the way are young enough to be my children) I told them that they may as well have told my children to go to the back door and order their food then wait on the stoop to be served...circa segregation!!!

I made it clear to this young staff that OUR children are not the individuals who caused the problems  and that profiling the youth in this community can lead to some serious problems.  We also took this moment to give our boys a dose of reality...black children/men will be judged.  It's a fact.  However, you need to make sure that you carry yourself in a way in which people see who you truly are and not stereotype or judge you based on their experiences with a few select African American people.

I'm going to have to revisit this issues because our boys went back to the clubhouse today and while they were able to order their food to go, they were asked to wait outside.  This is not the 60s! And while I'm a realist, I don't want my kids to have to suffer discrimination or profiling  just to get a cookie and an order of fries! 

It's a sad commentary that my husband and I chose to move into a safe community where there are great schools, a great sense of family and we have to deal with issue such as this. I will continue to raise this issue with management until things change and I will continue to send my children to the restaurant so that they learn how to deal with issues of this nature on their own and stand up for themselves.

Note:  I chose not to name the establishment as to extend a level of respect to them that they aren't extending to our children, but if you know where we live then you know the clubhouse that I'm talking about!

Back to School Blues

Enjoy this first installment of my video blog.  While I will continue to write, I want to work on my editing and production skills so I'll be posting videos from time to time.

 

 

 



And what did you say the purpose of summer reading was?

I reminded myself that I hadn't written a blog entry in a while and I drew a blank on what to write...until the mail carrier came! She was loaded down with summer reading books that had been ordered for Tyler, Madison and yep, me.

My connection to summer reading has grown tremendously over the past two years, as I am the chair of the One Book, One Campus committee at Delaware State University.  I'm going to be honest, I did not read the first book chosen by the committee at DSU as I was reading the book assigned to the 6th grade class at Meredith Middle School. Why you may ask? Because we found that the summer reading assignments weren't being done correctly! So in order to ensure that the book was being read and all work was being completed correctly I made the decision to read "Dead End in Norvelt" by Jack Gantos...turns out it's a good book.  I initially went to the internet to search for cliff notes but nothing works better than taking time to read and make sense of the text yourself.

Fast forward to this afternoon. After reading a summary assignment for this years book that has been assigned to Madison's class I found that once again there was a lack of comprehension.  I immediately went to the internet but what I found this time was eye-opening. Madison is reading "Wonder" by R. J. Palacio. In my search for cliff notes I found several instructor guides or curriculums for this book. Some extremely detailed with chapter or section foci designed to engage students in a variety of ELA exercises ranging from comprehension, to vocabulary to character analysis. What stood out most was the fact that a lot of these resources were designed to provide students with an insightful journey through the eyes of a young boy who's a bit different. These are things that I noticed were missing from the exercises associated with Madison's summer reading from his school.

I asked myself at that point, are the teachers engaging in summer reading because it's the thing to do? A state requirement? And what is the significance of writing 10 chapter summaries and not challenging students to be more introspective as they reads books that touch on such real-life issues such as bullying, medical conditions and self-esteem.

It's important for me as an educator to make sure some time is committed to learning during the summer months but with a purpose. For the last two years it's  been difficult for me to incorporate summer reading for the freshman in my entry level classes but this experience has challenged me to make reading the book "Buck" by M. K. Asante, meaningful for my college students.

According to the New York Public Library System, the purpose of summer reading is to improve literacy and to make sure that students have the skills necessary to meet the common core standards.  

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan described summer learning loss as “devastating.”  This is what researchers have often referred to as the “summer slide.”  It is estimated that school summer breaks will cause the average student to lose up to one month of instruction, with disadvantaged students being disproportionately affected (1).

To this end, educators have a responsibility to make summer reading (summer learning as a whole) more impactful.  Studies show that successful reading programs allow for the development of reading skills necessary for academic success. Young readers who have a reading experience in which they connect and engage independently, apply critical thought to characters and story lines learn to apply those skills in other academic areas.

Ideally, the experience shared by students should be one that connects students with each other once they return to school around one reader as well as sets the academic tone for the year. While critiques point out the down side of summer reading: the stigma attached to required work; if done correctly a greater sense of community is developed and students continue to hone one of the most important  and pragmatic skills that one must possess.

We know that more reading makes better readers but it's not the quantity of books that are read...it's the quality of the reading that matters. Make summer reading count.



(1) http://www.nysl.nysed.gov/libdev/summer/research.htm

Before You Call Someone a Racists You May Need to Look in the Mirror

Yet another NBA owner sticks his foot in his mouth. I'm not trying to get into a negative online thread, but I do have some thoughts as a former journalist and a black woman.  Here it goes.

The first headline (caption) that I saw regarding this story was "Cuban Admits That he's a Bigot".  Way to go writer for getting me and probably millions of others to read the full story.  With my journalism cap on I have to say, that's what you're supposed to do; write in a way that will appeal to your readers; but at what cost to the subject of your piece.  Yes, Cuban gave journalist the fodder for this news story but when I read the article (and here's where I put on my cap as a black woman) I can understand the point he was trying to get across [even though I truly could have done without the hoodie reference-post Trayvon Martin...it still hurts people]. 

Here's MY TRUTH...(yes, in all caps because I don't want anyone out there to think that I'm dictating how you should feel, perceive things, etc. in this not so post-racial society).  Have I grabbed my purse tighter?  Have I pulled away from a gas station or convenience store?  Yes.  Why?  Because of my perception of the people that may be occupying that space at a given time.  Real talk; because of the black or white people that make me feel uncomfortable.  Does that make me a racists?  In my heart I grapple with this all the time but my reality is that in the last three years, I've been called a dumb nigger and a black bitch (by white women).  On the occasion in which I was called the "n" word,  I got into a verbal sparring match with the individual, letting her know that if the right  "n" word was in that store that she would have been picking herself up off the ground after having the crap smacked out of her.  Not so welcoming, huh? On another occasion, I pulled into a gas station in which a truck adorn with a confederate flag, full of young men (black and white), pumping hip hop music where loud talking (as my mom would say) and freely using the "N" word. It's worth noting that the gentlemen I encountered at the gas station looked like the examples that Mark Cuban referenced in his commentary. At that moment, I made the decision not to get out of my car and further subject myself to their banter which to me was very aggressive. 

Is this every going to go away?  If you're a parent, regardless of race, color or creed, you pray that it will.  You pray for a world in which we don't have to grapple with your own prejudices.  You pray that people who themselves were born to parents with staunch views about race, gender and sexuality, etc. can someday change their view.

Am I angered by what's happened in the NBA over the past month.  Definitely. But  before I go and call someone else out I take ownership of the fact that I still have work to do on me.  Maybe that's where it starts.

Thank you for letting me be serious, in my often humorous and world of Mahogany Mom.



http://www.aol.com/article/2014/05/22/mavericks-owner-mark-cuban-under-fire-for-comments-touching-on-r/20890853/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmaing11%7Cdl10%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D479545

With or Without: Fearless Beyond My Make Up

This week, the Today Show brought back the the body image series, “Love Your Selfie, Reclaiming Beauty". In the past, I have been impressed by those willing to share true feelings about their own beauty. Even the courageous of the Today Show anchors who bare all (emotionally) has had a huge impact on me. Placing yourself in a position of vulnerability without make up or stripped down to the bare minimum to show the world that although you are not perfect the depth of love for yourself far outweighs any standard of beauty that society has set before us.

Everyday I get up and I look in the mirror and I say to self..."girl today will be your no make up Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday!" You get the picture! But I can never bring myself to that point. Maybe it's because I don't have the courage to. Maybe I hate the fact that I've waxed my brows so much that they'll never grow back (MAC Chestnut pencil is my best friend) or maybe it's because I'm afraid that someone will mistake me for Frank instead of Fran if I were to go without make up.

The truth is that I've grown to understand that my make up and the way I like to "beat my face" is just a small part of who I am. Sure, there was a time when my make up was there purely to hide my insecurities and my lack of self love. I've had times in my life where the self esteem bucked was completely empty but after years of searching, some therapy and personal development I've gotten to the point where I'm truly happy with who I am.

As a mom it's even more important for me that my love for self resonates in all that I do. Not in a cocky sort of way but in a manner that conveys to others (especially my daughter) that love encompasses how I communicate with others, the level of empathy that my heart holds for those around me, my desire to help those in need and my willingness to openly brace differences.

While I may never have a no make up kind of day I do believe that it's important to take a good look at yourself. Even if its a mental strip down take time to be introspective, embrace the flaws and look at the hills and valleys in life which are perfectly designed by God to encourage our spiritual growth and strengthen our faith.