What will you say when your children ask?

I had to answer the tough questions.  "Why did he hit her like that?", "Why does she still love him?"  Those are question from two of our children as we watched the news and continuing coverage of the unfortunate situation that Ray and Janay Rice are in.  Some of you may want to immediately scold me for allowing my children to watch the story (I've read the opinions of many sanctimonious social media users so I know how brash folks can be) and my first impulse was to change the channel, but I immediately thought to myself, as parents we have a responsibility not to run from things such as this and to use them as a teaching moment.  At 13 and 8, the most we've told our children about hitting is that they shouldn't be doing it to anyone.  In a few instances when our 13 year old was bullied, we had to change our perspective and talk openly about how and when you should defend yourself or result to physical action in a situation such as bullying, but it's a completely different scenario when you're talking about a husband and wife who find themselves in the middle of a national, ethical, brand-management, and social debate.

I'm not sure if any of you have had to sit down and talk to your children about the Ray Rice tragedy (and to me it is tragic) but this was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do.  I'm not even sure if I used the right words, but I carefully explained to them that there is no reason why a man or woman should hit their husband or wife.  I told my children that sometimes we don't have all of the answers (and surely I don't) but in regards to the question about why she [Janay] still loves him [Ray] I offered this. 

Mommy doesn't know her heart, but I know mine.  Sometimes when you're with someone and you've done a lot of things with them, both happy and sad, you want to always support and be there for them.  Mommy's so glad that I've never been in that situation with your father and I know in my heart that we probably never will be. It doesn't make the lady on the news right or wrong for loving him.  It makes her human. 

As far as why he hit her, again, no right or wrong answer there either, but what I stressed to both of them is that when you're feeling anger, pain, frustration...so much so that you want to lash out and hit someone or something that you need to immediately walk away and get help from someone who really cares about your heart and can help you to make a safe, healthy decision instead of reacting out of anger.

I'm not going to weigh in on the situation because I think that you've probably read and heard more than enough at this time, but I do know this, we have to talk to our children about dating violence, verbal abuse and domestic violence.  We have to hold our elected officials accountable for creating effective legislation and resources to counter domestic violence of all kinds. We have to be realistic and note that we may not always see the signs of abuse.  We can't deploy stereotypes in these situations and must be willing to pray for both the victim and perpetrator and encourage counseling for all parties involved. We have to be honest with ourselves and know that when we send our children off to college, they may find themselves in a violent dating relationship and not know how to get out of it until it's too late (I'm speaking from the perspective of a professor who has personally walked young women to counseling and to campus police).  We have to empower our sons and daughters to speak up for themselves (I'm glad I did when I realized that the verbal abuse I was experiencing in a dating relationship could soon turn to violence and I'm forever grateful to my brother-in-law who came and moved me out of that situation).  You have to be a friend who's willing to put the friendship on the line and speak the truth (thanks to my friends and sorority sisters who did this in my time of need) and probably the most important thing of all...you cannot judge.

I'm certain that this isn't going to be the last time that I'll have to discus this situation with my children but I want to leave you with this; before you turn commentator, sports analysis, crisis communicator, politician, or just pure cynic, take a moment to think about what you'd say to your children (or nieces/nephews, kids you mentor, etc.).  You might find that the answers aren't as cut and dry as many of us have posted. 

Just a reflection from a mom who hopes her children never have to walk in these shoes.

A Real Modern Family

 The other day we took Madison (my stepson) to see his brother Alex. Madison and Alex share the same mother but have different dads. Alex's dad recently got married and now Alex and his half-brother and two stepsisters.  The kids got along well.  It was like they've known each other for a life time.   As our evening ended we decided that we would get the kids together on a regular basis.

 The next  night as I got Tyler ready for bed the questions came. "What do we call Madison's brother and his stepbrother and the girls." "What do we call Madison's brothers dad?" "Is miss Megan Madison stepmom?"

 I never really thought about labels that much. I don't refer to my sons as my stepson's because I view them as my son. The only time I'm referred to as a stepparent is when my sons are introducing me or if were in the mix company of my children's biological mothers.

 Thank God for Google! That's the place I turn to when Tyler asked me the tough questions. According to Google Madison's brother and his brothers stepbrother are his half brothers. While there is no blood line between the stepsisters and the brothers and my children some people would referred to them as cousins. I couldn't find the answer to what the kids would call Madison's brother's dad or his wife but when all the googling and researching was done I came up with this: we're called a family.

While the hit sitcom Modern Family depicts the life of a man married to a slightly younger woman, blended family dynamics, the challenge of trying to raise teenagers and preteens and a gay couple raising their child, I can honestly say that I (along with many of my friends) live in a real modern family. We don't have the glitz and glam of Hollywood to make every 30 minute episode of our lives a happily ever after moment. And when it comes to our own personal lights, camera, action we're faced with a great deal of uncertainty. For today's families that becomes a major challenge whether you consider yourself to be modern or traditional family.

We have family tensions that make us laugh and cry. We also have situations that that we wish we would never have to encounter but what many modern families have is love, kindness, and a genuine respect for the differences that make us who we are.

I love when Tyler asked me to tough questions (I've learned to stop trying to change the subject and to engage her and embrace her curiosity)...and I love my family even more.

If they're good enough to raise your children they're good enough to receive the financial support too

As we near the start of another school year I pondered what to blog about: Ferguson. The article my husband shared with me about not blaming  black parents for underachieving kids or the article I read about putting the public back into public education.

As the school year starts there are two people in my life that are starting over, as parents that is.  For the last year so these two individuals have been raising two of their nieces.

Grandparents (or older family members on fixed incomes) raising kids is not a new trend.  According to the U.S. Census over 2.4 million grandparents have responsibility for their grandchildren. Grandparents often have legal difficulties related to obtaining guardianship, enrolling their grandchildren in school, and accessing medical care for their grandchildren. They may also have concerns related to custody battles with other grandparents or their grandchildren’s parents.  Because they often have limited financial resources, grandparents may experience difficulty providing adequate housing, food, and clothing.

The financial aspect of starting all over to raise children is probably the most frustrating. In many instances the biological parents continue to receive public assistance or financial assistance for their children but choose not to turn any of these services over to the individual now responsible for raising their children.  To make matters worse this couple is functioning in a family court system that doesn't make the process of transferring any financial support that the biological parents have to the new relatives who have legally assumed custody a smooth process.

As this willing couple goes through the school vaccination process, shops for new clothes and school supplies the biological parents choose to keep any and all state support for themselves.  Like most grandparents or adults faced with the situation they're trying to work through the system to get all the financial support needed to take care of the children but they find themselves in paperwork hell. The same court system that quickly granted them custody of the children now makes it challenging for them to get the money that they need to take care of these two little girls.

Sure, this couple and others like them who are taking care of their grandchildren or other young relative will make a way but you have to ask yourself where is the accountability. When a parent knowingly signs over legal custody of their children they should also sign over any financial assistance that they are receiving. It's only fair.

In my heart I know that these individuals were chosen to take on this responsibility not just by the biological parents but by a higher being. God has a way of entrusting his lambs with those shepherds in the community who will give their all to make sure those lambs are safe, but all those shepherds need support.

I've had my share of experiences in the family court system as someone who stood by my husband as he managed some challenging family court issues and I'll be the first to say that things have to change.

Grandparents and other retirees should be enjoying life; taking dance lessons, traveling the world, enjoying their retired or semi retired lives but that's not the case. Buying diapers, participating in the PTA, becoming a soccer parent all over  again is becoming a norm for many older Americans.  Their lives  have changed and now they're faced with the question of whether to commit resources to battling a court system or if they should invest those funds into the young lives that they now responsible for shaping and molding.

As the school year begins and as I turn in supplies for my own kids along with the list of community classroom supplies I think about the faces that are in that classroom and wonder how many grandparents are raising kids, how many aunts are raising nieces how many uncles are pitching in. My heart goes out to each and everyone of them as they try to make a good life for the child that they now call their own.

I pray that these individuals have the strength and courage and the resources to continue to fight the system so that every month financial resources won't be going to biological parents who have chosen to be absent; who have chosen to no longer have the responsibility of taking care of the children that they brought into this world. I also hope that the future brings legislation that will automatically transfer support if a biological parent willingly gives up the rights to parent their children.

Until that time we all need to step up to the plate to help those in need especially when we have families members on fixed or retired incomes that willingly take on the responsibility to start all over
and raise someone else's children.

Parenting 101: Does anyone have the right to critic your parenting skills?

Let me first begin by saying that we are not perfect.  The last time I checked (and I don’t check often because I spend the majority of my time trying to be a wife, mother, educator, upstanding citizen, blah, blah, blah [you get the point]) no one in this world is perfect.  I also did a quick scan of the Internet and while there were over 75,100,000 hits when I put in ‘the perfect parent’ the first 10 articles that I read were titled as such just to get the reader’s attention and moreover spoke to the fact that there is no such thing, and that there are ways to be a good/better parent.  The journey that my husband and I have taken as spouses and parents has not been paved in gold however, the fact that we constantly communicate, focus on improvement and truly enjoy these roles have made it a wonderful and priceless journey thus far.

I’ve never been one to outright give parenting or marital advice but what I have been blessed to received from true friends and family that really care about my growth as a woman, mother and wife, is the sharing of personal stories and testimonies that I can learn from (probably one of the main reasons that I started blogging a few years ago).  I believe that there is truly something to be said for someone who will open their heart to you so that your life can be made richer.   The challenge that we all face in life is to sometimes step out on faith to make decisions that will impact the lives of others.  As a parent, this is something that we are tasked with doing every day.  As our children grow older sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we have to go back to the drawing board but when it’s all said and done our initial intent is good.  No, our kids aren’t going to like every rule or family tradition, they will not take kindly to every directive and sometimes tears will be shed, but in our humble home the focus is always on doing what is right based a mixture of how my husband and I were raised and what works for today’s family.

That becomes a challenge too when your parenting skills are dissected like a 9^th grade biology experiment or when society begins to regulate (or at least tries to regulate) how you should or shouldn’t parent your children.  I believe that we take age, gender and level of maturity into consideration when we make choices for our children.  In our household, we also have to be mindful of the fact that we are a blended family and consideration of that has to be factored in as well. I believe that we are effective as parents because we make a conscious effort to develop and clarify clear expectations for our children, work hard to stay calm in the midst of turmoil when our kids gets upset and follow through with positive and negative consequences.  We both also realize that being a positive role model is a big part of the foundation of good parenting and the basis for understanding between ourselves as parents and our children.

It is extremely hurtful when you know in your heart that you are functioning in the best interest of your children but critics weigh in and say otherwise.  Close your eyes for a moment and image this…how would you feel or how have you felt when you’re told that someone has said something to tear your down behind your back?  Now imaging that someone tears your down in the presences of others?  Let’s apply that to parenting skills. It’s not a good feeling at all, especially for a parent who spends every waking moment providing for, praying for, and caring for their children; mentoring, nurturing and loving their children; trying hard to be a good (not perfect) example of a parent, spouse and friend. 

My life may not be filled with material possessions; it may not be glamorous or carefree, but that’s fine.  What my life is filled with is something we call FT…that’s family time; a time where we can share an hour or so with our kids, playing games, taking a walk, watching a moving and yes even having a burping contest, but that’s what makes our family whole.  What my life is filled with is Fast Food Friday’s…a time where it’s all hands on deck and we’re in the kitchen making our favorite junk food for dinner.  What my life is filled with are patient kids who will let me take them to farms, parks and sometimes weird places to practice my hobby of photography. What my life is filled with are those moments no one sees when my kids make me laugh and smile and affirm the fact that that this is the real job that I was chosen to do. 

Are there times when we fight?  Yep…especially when it comes to sibling rivalry, issues of respect and reciprocity, cleaning rooms and yes…homework, but that’s all a part of this thing we call parenting.  Are there times when the growing pains of teenage years cause us to shed tears as parents? Yes, but we have and will continue to weather those storms too. 

The financial, emotional and physical needs of our children are our responsibility and we manage this in a healthy, holistic and positive way.  It may not be the ‘right’ way in the eyes of some, but because we don’t have all of the answers we are willing to tweak, learn and grow in this process just as our children are growing.  I would love to live in a world where not a negative word is spoken, but that ain’t happen’.  We’re human and even I sometimes I have had a flowery tongue that has hurt others.  Those are moments I regret, but one thing that I can say without hesitation is that I have not criticized and parent whom I know is truly dedicated to his or her children and does what we do…live for our children!  Although it is a blessing to be a parent, I know how hard the task is so to criticize others would be shameful on my part.  I also believe that because we try to surround ourselves with like-minded families there is little room for this type of criticism. I draw the line when our intentions as parents come into question.  One thing that I’ve learned to do is to put myself in the other person’s shoes before leaping to judgment.    That’s all we can ask of each other.  As far as this thing called parenting is concerned; if there is a super nanny who has ‘fixed’ a family or if anyone out there has raised a cherub with absolutely NO problems (I’m talking everything from talking back, to peeing the bed, to tantrums, to fighting siblings, to not eating vegetables, to not wanting to take bath, to missing home working assignments or doing homework and not turning it in, to not putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket and clean clothes in the drawers, to not losing a winter coat every year, to not telling you how much cooler friend X’s parents are, to not rolling eyes, to not mumbling under ones breath, etc.) please, please, please in box me…you’re hired immediately.

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” –Frederick Douglass

Is it Discrimination, Profiling or just Policy?

A few weeks ago a neighbor and I went to our clubhouse restaurant to address an issue related to the service our children and their friends at the establishment.  Our sons called us and told us that management refused to serve them as they had implemented a new rule to NOT serve patrons under 16 years of age.  Apparently some of the younger patrons had been guilty of displaying inappropriate behavior, being rude to staff, not tipping and fighting outside of the establishment.  The new rule is that residents under the age of 16 can order food to go but can't sit down and be served in the restaurant without an adult.  I totally understand that independent establishments can have their own rules (no cell phones, no children at certain hours, etc.) however this situation is different.  We pay fees to 'belong' to the clubhouse.  If you know me, then you know that this enraged me! I pay my fees and my family belongs to this clubhouse and has all the rights and privileges that a paying resident is entitled to.

When I spoke to management (which by the way are young enough to be my children) I told them that they may as well have told my children to go to the back door and order their food then wait on the stoop to be served...circa segregation!!!

I made it clear to this young staff that OUR children are not the individuals who caused the problems  and that profiling the youth in this community can lead to some serious problems.  We also took this moment to give our boys a dose of reality...black children/men will be judged.  It's a fact.  However, you need to make sure that you carry yourself in a way in which people see who you truly are and not stereotype or judge you based on their experiences with a few select African American people.

I'm going to have to revisit this issues because our boys went back to the clubhouse today and while they were able to order their food to go, they were asked to wait outside.  This is not the 60s! And while I'm a realist, I don't want my kids to have to suffer discrimination or profiling  just to get a cookie and an order of fries! 

It's a sad commentary that my husband and I chose to move into a safe community where there are great schools, a great sense of family and we have to deal with issue such as this. I will continue to raise this issue with management until things change and I will continue to send my children to the restaurant so that they learn how to deal with issues of this nature on their own and stand up for themselves.

Note:  I chose not to name the establishment as to extend a level of respect to them that they aren't extending to our children, but if you know where we live then you know the clubhouse that I'm talking about!

Back to School Blues

Enjoy this first installment of my video blog.  While I will continue to write, I want to work on my editing and production skills so I'll be posting videos from time to time.

 

 

 



And what did you say the purpose of summer reading was?

I reminded myself that I hadn't written a blog entry in a while and I drew a blank on what to write...until the mail carrier came! She was loaded down with summer reading books that had been ordered for Tyler, Madison and yep, me.

My connection to summer reading has grown tremendously over the past two years, as I am the chair of the One Book, One Campus committee at Delaware State University.  I'm going to be honest, I did not read the first book chosen by the committee at DSU as I was reading the book assigned to the 6th grade class at Meredith Middle School. Why you may ask? Because we found that the summer reading assignments weren't being done correctly! So in order to ensure that the book was being read and all work was being completed correctly I made the decision to read "Dead End in Norvelt" by Jack Gantos...turns out it's a good book.  I initially went to the internet to search for cliff notes but nothing works better than taking time to read and make sense of the text yourself.

Fast forward to this afternoon. After reading a summary assignment for this years book that has been assigned to Madison's class I found that once again there was a lack of comprehension.  I immediately went to the internet but what I found this time was eye-opening. Madison is reading "Wonder" by R. J. Palacio. In my search for cliff notes I found several instructor guides or curriculums for this book. Some extremely detailed with chapter or section foci designed to engage students in a variety of ELA exercises ranging from comprehension, to vocabulary to character analysis. What stood out most was the fact that a lot of these resources were designed to provide students with an insightful journey through the eyes of a young boy who's a bit different. These are things that I noticed were missing from the exercises associated with Madison's summer reading from his school.

I asked myself at that point, are the teachers engaging in summer reading because it's the thing to do? A state requirement? And what is the significance of writing 10 chapter summaries and not challenging students to be more introspective as they reads books that touch on such real-life issues such as bullying, medical conditions and self-esteem.

It's important for me as an educator to make sure some time is committed to learning during the summer months but with a purpose. For the last two years it's  been difficult for me to incorporate summer reading for the freshman in my entry level classes but this experience has challenged me to make reading the book "Buck" by M. K. Asante, meaningful for my college students.

According to the New York Public Library System, the purpose of summer reading is to improve literacy and to make sure that students have the skills necessary to meet the common core standards.  

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan described summer learning loss as “devastating.”  This is what researchers have often referred to as the “summer slide.”  It is estimated that school summer breaks will cause the average student to lose up to one month of instruction, with disadvantaged students being disproportionately affected (1).

To this end, educators have a responsibility to make summer reading (summer learning as a whole) more impactful.  Studies show that successful reading programs allow for the development of reading skills necessary for academic success. Young readers who have a reading experience in which they connect and engage independently, apply critical thought to characters and story lines learn to apply those skills in other academic areas.

Ideally, the experience shared by students should be one that connects students with each other once they return to school around one reader as well as sets the academic tone for the year. While critiques point out the down side of summer reading: the stigma attached to required work; if done correctly a greater sense of community is developed and students continue to hone one of the most important  and pragmatic skills that one must possess.

We know that more reading makes better readers but it's not the quantity of books that are read...it's the quality of the reading that matters. Make summer reading count.



(1) http://www.nysl.nysed.gov/libdev/summer/research.htm