What will you say when your children ask?

I had to answer the tough questions.  "Why did he hit her like that?", "Why does she still love him?"  Those are question from two of our children as we watched the news and continuing coverage of the unfortunate situation that Ray and Janay Rice are in.  Some of you may want to immediately scold me for allowing my children to watch the story (I've read the opinions of many sanctimonious social media users so I know how brash folks can be) and my first impulse was to change the channel, but I immediately thought to myself, as parents we have a responsibility not to run from things such as this and to use them as a teaching moment.  At 13 and 8, the most we've told our children about hitting is that they shouldn't be doing it to anyone.  In a few instances when our 13 year old was bullied, we had to change our perspective and talk openly about how and when you should defend yourself or result to physical action in a situation such as bullying, but it's a completely different scenario when you're talking about a husband and wife who find themselves in the middle of a national, ethical, brand-management, and social debate.

I'm not sure if any of you have had to sit down and talk to your children about the Ray Rice tragedy (and to me it is tragic) but this was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do.  I'm not even sure if I used the right words, but I carefully explained to them that there is no reason why a man or woman should hit their husband or wife.  I told my children that sometimes we don't have all of the answers (and surely I don't) but in regards to the question about why she [Janay] still loves him [Ray] I offered this. 

Mommy doesn't know her heart, but I know mine.  Sometimes when you're with someone and you've done a lot of things with them, both happy and sad, you want to always support and be there for them.  Mommy's so glad that I've never been in that situation with your father and I know in my heart that we probably never will be. It doesn't make the lady on the news right or wrong for loving him.  It makes her human. 

As far as why he hit her, again, no right or wrong answer there either, but what I stressed to both of them is that when you're feeling anger, pain, frustration...so much so that you want to lash out and hit someone or something that you need to immediately walk away and get help from someone who really cares about your heart and can help you to make a safe, healthy decision instead of reacting out of anger.

I'm not going to weigh in on the situation because I think that you've probably read and heard more than enough at this time, but I do know this, we have to talk to our children about dating violence, verbal abuse and domestic violence.  We have to hold our elected officials accountable for creating effective legislation and resources to counter domestic violence of all kinds. We have to be realistic and note that we may not always see the signs of abuse.  We can't deploy stereotypes in these situations and must be willing to pray for both the victim and perpetrator and encourage counseling for all parties involved. We have to be honest with ourselves and know that when we send our children off to college, they may find themselves in a violent dating relationship and not know how to get out of it until it's too late (I'm speaking from the perspective of a professor who has personally walked young women to counseling and to campus police).  We have to empower our sons and daughters to speak up for themselves (I'm glad I did when I realized that the verbal abuse I was experiencing in a dating relationship could soon turn to violence and I'm forever grateful to my brother-in-law who came and moved me out of that situation).  You have to be a friend who's willing to put the friendship on the line and speak the truth (thanks to my friends and sorority sisters who did this in my time of need) and probably the most important thing of all...you cannot judge.

I'm certain that this isn't going to be the last time that I'll have to discus this situation with my children but I want to leave you with this; before you turn commentator, sports analysis, crisis communicator, politician, or just pure cynic, take a moment to think about what you'd say to your children (or nieces/nephews, kids you mentor, etc.).  You might find that the answers aren't as cut and dry as many of us have posted. 

Just a reflection from a mom who hopes her children never have to walk in these shoes.