“We’ve decided to End our Marriage”

What Hollywood does when it doesn’t work

This morning I woke up to watch the news (mainly for the weather because I don’t watch the news on the weekend as it is so depressing Monday through Friday) and heard a story about Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony and their decision to end their seven year marriage.  At first I sat there in amazement…yet another Hollywood couple throwing in the towel but not before releasing a well-crafted statement to the media stating that they’ve tried to work everything out and have come to an amicable agreement and oh yeah...and the ever important please respect our privacy at this time verbiage.

Now I’m no expert on marriage (and am not being a critic of J-Lo or Mark Anthony per se) but four children, a few mortgage refinances, some emotional ups and downs, a very stressful career changes with a salary cuts, and seven years later,  I find that this [being marriage] was the best thing that happened to me.

I didn’t enter into my marriage with any fairy tale imagery, outlandish dreams of living in a McMansion, raising stellar children who would someday go on to cure cancer or be the next college freshman athlete to go directly to the hall of fame (you get what I’m saying…) but I didn’t enter into my marriage with faith and a strong commitment to doing what was necessary (and ethical) to make my marriage work.  You know why?  I’ll tell you.

That’s what I saw during my childhood.  Men and women (my parents, aunts and uncles and neighbors, church folks, etc.) making marriages work.  And from what I saw, that meant agreeing to disagree, arguing (but doing it fairly and not in front of children or others for that matter), enjoying things together like gardening, taking in a baseball game or two, sharing a cup of coffee on the front porch in the morning, getting away with your girls or the fellas from time to time, playing Spades or Bid Whist on the weekends, being financially truthful and putting God first.  Things weren’t perfect (my dad was a functioning alcoholic…but that another blog entry) but all in all, he was a wonderful father, husband and provider and once he chose to stop drinking I saw my parent’s marriage take on a new life.  Maybe that’s one of the things that I focus on when I hit a rough spot…how my parents actually made a deliberate choice to do things differently so that they could sustain their marriage.

Marriage is a job.  There is no salary, you don’t get promoted, you don’t accumulate sick or vacation leave but the benefits are unmatched by anything on this earth.  For me, the rewards are countless and while there are times where I do want to scream or have a “War of the Roses” moment and throw glasses, I wouldn’t change a thing.  When I’m overwhelmed, have cried my last tear, or want to hide in my closet because I feel so defeated (yes…that’s the only place where I can have a real alone moment) I know that my husband will be there to either make me laugh or use his strong spirituality to bring me back to my center.

I want to take a moment to recognize some couples that I look up to.  Some of you may know this and others may be seeing this revealed for the first time, but just know that your marriage has been one that I’ve taken a piece from and that me and my family are blessed because of you:

Arthur and Brenda Payton                                    Darryl and Carmelita Taylor

Trump and Kimberly Stevens                                Anthony and Mary Yancey

Dan and Tracy Sparks                                         Michael and Donetta Clark
Jason and Melba Williams                                   Jay and Crystal Stewart
Jerome and Claire Garrett                                     Kamau and LaLinda Street
Geoff and Shana Williams                                   Shannon and Scott Sharhage

The list could go on, but these are some of our friends who have truly made the commitment to marriage and family.

So to all those in Hollywood that get married, have children, divorce then ask the world to stay out of your business I offer this to you…Facebook some of the couples that I’ve listed in this Blog, ask them what makes marriage work.  I’m sure they’d say that there’s no right or wrong answer, but I can guarantee that words like trust, respect, love, fortitude, passion, forgiveness and commitment will be a part of what they share.

Every night when I go to bed, I thank God for my husband and my children.  I thank Him for the lessons I learn each day as a married woman and know that life wouldn’t be the same if I were on this journey alone.  There’s no cliché way to end this…no quote about marriage, no list of the top 10 things to do to save or sustain a marriage and no reference book to refer you to, but I will leave you with this.

For better or for worse…

Bella Vita

While there’s much to say…this entry will get to straight to the point.  I, along with the rest of the country am shocked at the Casey Anthony trial verdict.  We will never know how that innocent two year old died but what we can say as people watching from the outside is that the actions of two mothers will forever go down as disgraceful. 

We must ask ourselves, how could a mother club the night away just days after her child ‘allegedly’ goes missing? How could a grandmother commit perjury knowing full well that not telling the truth could land her in jail?

Indeed, mothers have a great deal of pressure in raising children and keeping families together and young-single mothers have a more difficult time balancing work and family life but extremes of lying and the thought of murder as a means of riding oneself of the stressors of motherhood is not the answer.

I’m sure we all have a level of dysfunction in our homes (probably not as extreme as we’ve seen play out in the Anthony trial) but we manage.  What saddens me about Ms. Anthony is that she probably was looking for Bella Vita (the beautiful life) but failed to realize that she already had it!  God gave her the gift of motherhood and in doing so, he also equipped her with the necessary tools to champion the odds and raise her child in a safe, loving environments.  He does this for all mothers and we can be the beneficiaries of his guidance if we focus on the job of being a mother and take it seriously.

Children are life’s most precious gift.  They aren’t perfect; they may lose retainers in the garbage, torture each other, fight at school, forget homework, throw temper tantrums, break your favorite vase or just have a grumpy day, but it’s your job to affirm them, guide them and provide unconditional love.

 As a friend (Deirdra) posted on FB last night…hug your children and when you’re having a moment of stress remember that Bella Vita doesn’t mean perfect and find the beauty in the fact that you have a life with your children.

What Does it Mean to Shine?

My definition of 'shining' may be different from yours but be open to my words and prepare to shine. 

I can recall the day I began to shine.  It was in 1995 and was about to do my first live television segment on Black Entertainment Television's Teen Summit.  Up until that point, I had been this skinny, Jheri curl-wearing bookworm.  Not too appealing to the eye but I had my sense of humor about me and I prided myself in being smart.  I was excited about being given the opportunity to shine as one of BET’s fresh faces and embraced the new celebrity status that came with being on television.  I shined for about two years and even found a new niche as a motivational speaker, but something began to tarnish.  That glow was slowly fading away and I was feeling empty. 

I knew that I was at a fork in the road so to speak in terms of my career but I didn’t know what to do about it.  But one thing that I had become accustomed to was that ‘shining’ and I craved it.  Looking back, I didn’t realize that there were more ways to shine and that literally being in the spotlight wasn’t the only way for your energy to radiate and for you to be viewed as successful.

Thus my challenges continued.  It wasn’t until 2000 that I got a wake up call.  BET was brought by Viacom and Teen Summit faded away into the sunset.  No more jet setting, public appearances, live television…it was over.  My light was out.  Ironically, I made the decision to return to school in 1999 to pursue a graduate degree so I was already making the transition from television back to textbooks and after walking across the stage in 2001 a new halo of light appeared.  I was excited about my recent accomplishment; I paid for graduate school on my own, balanced my academic life and full time job all while providing care for my mother.  I had a new energy and I decided to capitalize on that.  I applied to the doctoral program at the University of Maryland and at Howard University.  I received the standard rejection letter from the University of Maryland but on that same day a call came in from the graduate school at Howard and I was informed that I was the recipient of a Lily Fellowship and that I needed to sign my paperwork and schedule an orientation.  My PhD journey began.

At this point I thought the glow was back for sure, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.  My light fizzled more over the next seven years that I had ever experienced before.  I was 32 years old in class with 20 something’s, my research background wasn’t as strong and to make matters worse, a now famous  (or infamous) reality star told me that I would be successful in the PhD program at Howard because in their words, “students from Bowie don’t do well in our program.”

My thought of accomplishing the task of completing the PhD program and becoming part of an elite group of scholars was sure to give me what folks now call swagger; it would once again allow me to shine. And on top of that, there weren’t too many people in my inner circle who held the title of doctor of philosophy so this would be big.  My fellowship was nearing its end, I was struggling with my advisement committee, and I was at the seven year mark, which meant if I didn’t complete the degree program I would have to retake the comprehensive exam.



My life now, BET/Teen Summit Moment and Graduating with Oprah

Fast forward to the here and now…I made a complete career transition and I’ve got that PhD and I’m shining but not for all to see.  Now when I think about shining, it means humbly taking on tasks that will enrich the lives of others.  Participating in work both on campus and in the community that engages and empowers people and most importantly, creating opportunities for others to shine. 

You see, my earlier definition of what it meant to shine was all wrong.  I wanted to be seen and seen all the time.  I wanted to be known for my accomplishments and I damn sure couldn’t wait for people to call me doctor.  So now, at the sassy young age of 42 I don’t think about shining too much, but I think about polishing my act internally.

Shining through my spiritual growth and commitment, shining through my decision to be a life-long learner and shining through the bond and devotion of family.  

Are your trying to shine for all the wrong reasons?  How will you polish up your act so that you are confident in your glow even though no one can see it?

What are You Chasing?

As someone who’s a novice in the pageant world one thing that I’ve come to realize and appreciate are those women who find a balance when it comes to chasing the dream of becoming the new “Mrs.” and maintaining the integrity and identity that they had as a mother and wife prior to entering the pageant arena. For me, being able to have a level head and finding a balance between working to make my dreams and aspirations come true is something that has made my life’s journey so rewarding.  Not that I haven’t met with challenges or points of discouragement (like this morning when I read the reviewers comments on a research paper…UGH), but what keeps me grounded is the ‘why’ in everything that I do.  At the end of the day, I don’t meet with much defeat because in my heart, I’m coming from a perspective that is well thought out and I’m acting with good intentions.

I think that in life, we truly need to be mindful of what we’re chasing and more importantly, why we’re chasing those dreams or goals.  Whenever, I embark on a journey, whether it’s preparing a conference or research proposal, making a decision to accept a role as a member of an ad hoc or standing committee at work, or committing myself to volunteer work or church activities, I think first about what I can learn from the experience, then what my gifts and talents are that will contribute to the success of the endeavor.  Rarely is self-adulation a factor in me committing to do anything.  I think that when we function from a perspective in which our own glorification is front and center it makes it much more difficult to run the race.   And let me be real…I didn’t always practice what I’m sharing.  But as I grew in my faith (and as I continue to grow) I’ve come to realize that when we do things, whether openly for all to see or whether we work quietly behind the scenes, that being focused on pleasing God is and should be reward enough.

In the academic environment, I also see young people who don’t know what they’re chasing. I often ask my students (especially those with W’s and F’s on their transcripts) why they are in school.  Some are candid and say “because my parents told me I had to go to college.” Others painfully admit that they don’t know. To them I say, take some time to do some soul searching and really chart out a plan for your life. 

We all should be chasing something…because it’s characteristic of most human beings to want to achieve. However, many of us set out on a path with the wrong objectives and what we envision is making that Rocky Balboa like run to the top of the stairs and having everyone celebrate the fact that we’ve arrived. But what is forgotten is the Rocky Balboa-like struggle prior to the victory! 

We forget that we’ve got to do things like pay our dues, serve as an apprentice or even volunteer time.  We forget that it take long hours, months, and  sometimes even years to achieve some goals and we sell ourselves short by thinking that what we are chasing doesn’t really need to be chased after…in some instances folks just sit there with an attitude of entitlement thinking that ‘it’ will happen on its own.

I’m all for being a dream chaser!  It’s what makes the world go ‘round…people having dreams - - dreams of creating ways to improve the environment, bringing about greater equality, even coming up with the next big trend or gadget - - but really think about why and how you’re going to chase your dreams. Don’t be like a puppy aimless chasing its tail in circles.  Understand the power and motivation behind your dreams and do what’s necessary to meet with success. 

Dream on friends, dream on. 

When the soles get worn replace them…

When the soul gets worn rejuvenate it so that you can continue to chase what is truly yours. 

What is a sister?

Last Sunday, DSU’s Epsilon Alpha Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta returned to the campus after a five year suspension.  Many of the young ladies on campus never thought they’d get their opportunity to become part of such a strong, service-oriented sisterhood, but for 71 girls, their dream came true at 7:10 p.m. on April 10^th. 

Spending the day with my old and new Sorors got me to thinking.  I reflected on the 11 women I had the pleasure of crossing the burning sands with (Alfrica Edmonds, Joy Arnold-Russell, Carmelita Taylor, Jeneen Robinson, Pamela Anthony, Agnes Jones, Veronica (Ronnie) Wilson Pitts, Sherry Agnew Wilson, Lori Whitehurst (RIP), Shelia Wright, Melanie Byrd) and how important these women have become in my life.  For example, I strive to uphold my commitment to service because of my line sisters (LS) Pam and Melanie.  Because of what they’ve committed themselves to as an academician and attorney [respectively], my own commitment to others is reaffirmed.  I work every day to be a good mother and wife because of my LS Carmelita and admire how she silently soars above the clouds and makes this fulltime job with required overtime look so easy.  And I giggle every time I think about Ronnie and how she said she’d never have children and how other people’s kids used to drive her batty…but look at her now, a mother and superior educator! And I only wish I could be like Joy and step out on faith as she did to open her own business and roll with the punches when they came her way.  Those are just a few of the examples of how my sorority sisters inspire me to do my very best.  I could go on forever and pull a story about each of these ladies from pledge days but the blog would indeed become a book!

I also reflected on the relationship that two of my students (now my Sorors) have developed with each other.  I have been blessed to witness their growth and development as young women and am so proud to be able to call them my sisters.  I also know that as sisters in their own families, they already embodied the spirit of the 22 Founders of Delta Sigma Theta and just needed the opportunity to be initiated into the fold of women who have such high regard for life, self, family, equality and community so that they could do their part to make this world a little greater on a grander scale. 

The same sentiment is applied to my own sister Brenda.  I think she’s amazing.  I may not tell her every day but I think she knows it.  She is a strong mother who has weathered many storms, an independent business women and a wife who has given everything to make it work.  I love to see her laugh and let her hair down from time to time and am so blessed to have such a great big sister. 

And how my life has been made greater because of my sister-friends!  You know those ladies. The ones you’ve clicked with for one reason or another or who clicked with you and 10 or 20 years later you find yourself standing next to them in a chapel on your wedding day or road-tripping with them, or sharing all the highs and lows of life.  Well I’ve got some great ones; Nayada (we claim each other as God sisters because I know he connected us at the right time), Bianca, Sybil and I've been fortunate to meet a few more women I'm proud to call sister: Ava, Claire and Shana.  Now those are some women that I know I wouldn’t have been able to make it through life without; always there when you need them.  In my corner through thick and thin and genuinely concerned about me when I needed them most.  I love you ladies with all my heart.

On April 10^th when I got home from campus after the initiation ceremony and the step show, I went into my daughter’s room and lay next to her and my heart wept because Tyler doesn’t have a sister by birth.  I wondered to myself, if someday she’d have great sister-friends like I have.  One’s who would pay your mortgage if you were short.  Travel across the country in a flash when there was a death in the family, or tell you like it is straight with no chaser, even when you didn’t want to hear it.  I wondered if I’d be able to call my own daughter my Soror (my husband often has her throwing up a pinky and hollering Skee-Wee, but I can see the Delta twinkle her eyes) and if she’d have a life-long bond with her sorority sisters and I thought about how I could nurture her relationship with her two God sisters, Nailah and Jailyn and imagined them navigating college, relationships and careers together and I did with my own God sister.

I often hear stories of young women who are not fortunate enough to have caring sisters…whether by blood or by initiation into a sisterhood of some sort.  I am so glad that I don’t have to do this thing called life without having sisters of all kinds - - my sisters, my Sorors, my sister-friends - -you’ve made me the women I am and I am so glad to call you my sister.

Dressed for Success …Or Not?

White button up dress shirt --gaps in between every button. Tummy spilling over the waist of the skirt. The leopard skin bra is visible.  Fitted skirt, popping at the seams, just long enough to cover the control top portion of the pantyhose.   Four inch hot pink peep-toe stilettos with unpainted toes peeking out.  Giant tattoo of a rose and cross adorns the right calf.   

This is what I see on a regular basis. Young women dressed in what I call “corporate club attire”. 

We’ve had several professional events on campus over the last few weeks and I’ve witnessed or should I say I’ve been repulsed by the exposure of breast and buttocks at everything from sacred ceremonies to career fairs in which Fortune 500 recruiters have made the trek to campus in search of the best and the brightest entry level employees.

I even witnessed the celebration of over exposed breast (the young lady dressed in her corporate club outfit laughingly shook her breast as a greeting to several other scantily clad women) along with two other faculty members at which the eldest of us suggested that we [the two younger faculty members] do something about these young women and their lack of pride in self and over sexualization that they seem to embrace so openly.  I seized the opportunity to speak with the young women about her attire and to my surprise, she was receptive to my feedback, but that was one, out of what…hundreds of young women on college campuses that don’t have a clue about what is appropriate in the business world.

Upon further investigation (conversations with other faculty, mentors and students) it was revealed that many of today’s young women don’t know what proper business attire is.  To my surprise, I’ve come in contact with several female students who for the first time purchased a suit because they needed it for a ceremony and on the day of, it was clearly evident as many of them did not remove the cross stitch from the skirt or blazer they were wearing!

This may be great fodder for a Twitter or Facebook thread, but the reality is that it is sad.  What are we [meaning those of us who’ve arrived in the ‘corporate’ sense] doing to address this issues and engage in corrective measure that will enable these young women to meet with success?  Are we mentoring? Do we pull young women aside when we see an attire disaster waiting to happen?  I can honestly say that I do.  Everything from bringing suits to campus for students to wear to conferences or formal events, to talking in class about professional protocol (for both men and women) to writing this piece.   

We were blessed to have Fonzworth Bentley participate in our 7th Annual Mass Communications Day Symposium, and during his motivational talk, he touched upon what I’d like to call the essences of your professional self.   He talked about having a sense of corporate style about you; a mixture of high end consignment, to standard pieces like a traditional black suit, and how this essence needed to always shine through. 

It is a reality that a college student may have a bad hair day from time to time and that sweat pants and ones’ comfy school spirited sweat shirt may be

the order of the day but that too can be done with a sense of class and style.  Do you need to have Pink

plastered on your posterior?  In my opinion - no. 

In no way am I declaring myself a Paris runway veteran.  No red bottoms in my closet, Jeffery Campbell’s, Badgley Mischka or Hervé  Léger (a girl can dream though) but I do have a classic, yet individual style that speaks to who I am and that doesn’t raise eyebrows.  I even have a few tattoos, but Dermablend has been a friend since I got my first one nearly 20 years ago.  I’ve also had to learn some hard lessons because I wasn’t dressed for success.  I’ve had to go out and buy suits in the middle of the workday in order to attend meetings that were a part of my workplace obligation and I have missed opportunities because my attire didn’t meet the requirements of an unscheduled event at work…one of which was a visit to the White House. 

What is your essence of your professional self?  If you don’t know, maybe it’s time to think about it, especially if you are a rising star in college getting ready to graduate to the dog-eat-dog corporate world.  As an educator, you know that I think one’s academic savvy is what matters most, but as the realist who’s been successful in the entertainment industry, corporate and government sectors, I know firsthand that image is EVERYTHING.  Don’t get me wrong…some students are getting it right.  There’s a sense of style that permeates everything they do.  I applaud those students and know that they have a mindset that will lead to much success after college and beyond.

Before you let it all hang out and glam it up with some not so appropriate footwear or that favorite top with the plunging neckline, think about the impression other may take away from your appearance, think about the unknown opportunities for schmoozing or networking that may be presented on a daily basis and lastly think about how you actually feel when you do dress for success. 

Through the Fire

Earlier this week, seven children were lost in a devastating fire while their mother milked cows in a nearby barn and the father headed off to work on his regular delivery route.  It probably began as a routine evening for the family in the quaint town of Blain, Pennsylvania, but what happened that evening will forever change their lives.

I believe each of us has had a moment in life where we ask God why and this is no different.  However, my thoughts of why turned to those of amazement as I pondered what God has in store for the three year old who survived this horrific blaze.  God must have a mighty plan for the small soul who managed to run from the home, to the barn and tell her mother that she smelled smoke in the house.  While her journey may be rough as such a small heart deals with the loss of so many siblings, she still has so many life lessons to learn, so much growing to do, and so many more hills and valleys to climb, but hopefully the faith and strength of her parents will lighten the load; one way too heavy for a little one to bear.

We’ve all come through the fire and have lived to share our triumphs with others. With the world the way it is (natural disasters, man-made chaos, economic woes, religious strife and struggles for freedom and equality) long gone are the days in which someone can look you in the face during your moments of pain and say “just think, there’s someone out there worse off than you.”   We are surrounded by crisis and are impacted whether directly or indirectly and this indeed shapes our views and impacts our ability to overcome challenges and let God intercede in our lives to help ease the pain.

I am at a point in my life where I make a conscious effort not to ask God why as much because my faith allows me to understand and accept that he has a purpose and a plan for me. As I navigate life’s winding road, I offer this to you.  Look around you.  Don’t compare yourself to other but do reflect on what you see, what you feel and how your community, society and the world at large impact your life.  As your read the paper, chat with friends and family, watch TV or surf your latest gadgets for news and information, find a blessing in it all.  Count it all joy that each day you wake up with the will to fight, look at yourself as a trailblazer and know in your heart that when the chips are down you too can make it through the fire.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/03/09/2011-03-09_7_mennonite_children_killed_in_pennsylvania_fire.html