Through the Fire

Earlier this week, seven children were lost in a devastating fire while their mother milked cows in a nearby barn and the father headed off to work on his regular delivery route.  It probably began as a routine evening for the family in the quaint town of Blain, Pennsylvania, but what happened that evening will forever change their lives.

I believe each of us has had a moment in life where we ask God why and this is no different.  However, my thoughts of why turned to those of amazement as I pondered what God has in store for the three year old who survived this horrific blaze.  God must have a mighty plan for the small soul who managed to run from the home, to the barn and tell her mother that she smelled smoke in the house.  While her journey may be rough as such a small heart deals with the loss of so many siblings, she still has so many life lessons to learn, so much growing to do, and so many more hills and valleys to climb, but hopefully the faith and strength of her parents will lighten the load; one way too heavy for a little one to bear.

We’ve all come through the fire and have lived to share our triumphs with others. With the world the way it is (natural disasters, man-made chaos, economic woes, religious strife and struggles for freedom and equality) long gone are the days in which someone can look you in the face during your moments of pain and say “just think, there’s someone out there worse off than you.”   We are surrounded by crisis and are impacted whether directly or indirectly and this indeed shapes our views and impacts our ability to overcome challenges and let God intercede in our lives to help ease the pain.

I am at a point in my life where I make a conscious effort not to ask God why as much because my faith allows me to understand and accept that he has a purpose and a plan for me. As I navigate life’s winding road, I offer this to you.  Look around you.  Don’t compare yourself to other but do reflect on what you see, what you feel and how your community, society and the world at large impact your life.  As your read the paper, chat with friends and family, watch TV or surf your latest gadgets for news and information, find a blessing in it all.  Count it all joy that each day you wake up with the will to fight, look at yourself as a trailblazer and know in your heart that when the chips are down you too can make it through the fire.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/03/09/2011-03-09_7_mennonite_children_killed_in_pennsylvania_fire.html

Tears of Joy

Yesterday we registered Tyler for Kindergarten.  As we walked into the registration area there were five sections and Tyler bounced from station to stations as an eager ‘soon to be’ Kindergartner would.  As I approached station one, I got a knot in my throat and my eyes began to tear up.  I said to myself “self, get it together, it’s only registration…in six months you’ll be the fool running behind the school bus crying on her first day.” 

I made it through the registration process, but I took a few minutes to reflect on what the next few months mean for our family as Tyler embarks on this new journey.  We’ve done our best to instill strong values in all of our children, a sense of respect for self and others and we take the time every day to stress the importance of education.  While I know in my heart that we’ve prepared her academically, I shudder to think about how she will manage some of the social challenges that I struggled to navigate as a student.

What will I do when she comes home crying after having her pig tails pulled or after being teased by the big kid in class?  How do I encourage her after she fails to get a desired part in a play or how do I show her how to use conflict management skills after her first playground tiff?  As a mom, I have to admit that I never really thought about the challenges of school beyond the homework until now. 

Again, I had another little moment with myself and I said “self, remember that you had wonderful guides throughout your elementary years…your mom and dad.”   At that moment of revelations, I was able to take a sigh of relief.  That’s exactly how I managed to overcome obstacles and be successful throughout my grammar school and high school years.  My journey wasn’t easy, by any means, but as I look back I can recall moments of encouragement, tough love and praise from both of my parents.  What was also a blessing is that my parents had different gifts in terms of how they raised and mentored us.  My mother was always good and kissing both physical and emotional wounds and my dad (although very stern) keep me inspired academically and always encouraged me to think outside of the box, long before the phrase was coined.

So, as a new chapter begins to unfold in my life and in Tyler’s, I won’t have to reinvent the wheel in terms of doing my part to ensure that our daughter embraces a holistic educational experience.  I will reflect on my own past and sharpen the tools inherited from my parents to make sure Tyler’s educational journey is a success.

PS: I’m going to not to make a fool of myself when she actually starts school, but check back on August 29^th to see how her first day really goes!

Black Love…Black Power

February is a special month…Black History, President’s Day and Valentine’s Day.  I thought about revisiting the issues of why Black History is celebrated during the shortest month of the year, but I’ve moved passed the assumption that the oppressor has only given us twenty eight days to celebrate our rich history and understand that I have an obligation as an African American to make each day of the year one in which I reflect on our storied history and education my children about their ancestors.  In the words of Carter G. Woodson, I have not allowed one to control my mind and in turn control my actions, thus this would not make for a good blog/commentary.

So I thought about President’s day and how I could tie that into my role as a mother and I reflected on leaders from Lincoln to Kennedy, to Clinton to our first African American, Obama who is now struggling with unrest on the political front as well as unrest worlds away.  

Then I looked at the most commercialized celebration of the month, Valentine’s Day.  I’m over getting last-minute, marked-down gifts, flowers sent to work and trying to squeeze in a romantic dinner while sequestering the kids in the basement with video games.

What then is there to be said about this month…as a mother?  That is what my blog is about, right?  Well, it came to me; black love and black power. That was the common thread as I looked at the calendar on the wall, which reminded me of the month long commitment to reading for my daughter’s school, the many doctor’s appointments, science fair and invention projects due, the workshop and commitment to church activities, working to meet a publication deadline and of course, carving out time for what is most important –the children and family in my life.

As a black woman and mother, I hope to have the spirit of Rosa Parks and Fannie Lou Hamer, the power to lead and commitment to my civic duty like Maxine Waters and Carol Mosley Braun, and the strength and fortitude to walk a different path like Mae Jemison and Leontyne Price.  I want to have the courage to teach, the vision to empower when others don’t see a way, the faith to love unconditionally and the child-like freedom to continue to fantasize and dream the impossible dream.

Those African American’s who have shaped our history, some giving life or limb, may not have recognized their power as the very moment when they were fighting for equality, civil rights, or peace, but they had the love in their hearts for themselves, this country and others to march on.  So to you I say thank you.  Thank you for showing me how to be a mother, activist, educator and spiritual force from within.

Celebrate this country, black history, black love and black power.

The Power of Words and Civil Discourse Starts at Home

The Arizona Sheriff said it best (although he’s facing some tough criticism for editorializing)...”the anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous.” I’m not certain that the issues will be addressed in a manner that that will usher in a new tone when it comes to political discourse, but this incident has gotten people talking.  As a read through some of the posts on my FB page the finger pointing at political parties was front and center, however, as I reflected on the toxic political tone that is sweeping this country, what came to mind what when and where do we learn the power of words and the sometimes negative impact of our free expression?

This incident has cast a glaring light on the venomous nature of politics.  While this is not a new phenomenon, it begs the question, why so much anger, why so harsh, why so relentless in our effort to convey one’s own political views and/or position on issues concerning this nation.  According to an Associate Press article, some suggests that politics has become too personal, while other believe that a year-long debate over health care (and other issues) along with numerous emotionally charged town hall meetings may have set the tone for the tragic event in Arizona. 

According to Democratic Rep. Raul Grijalva, whose Arizona district also includes parts of Tucson, "Anger and hate fuel reactions." He went on to say that the nation must assess the fallout of "an atmosphere where the political discourse is about hate, anger and bitterness."

Beyond the political environment, where do we learn hatred, bitterness and anger? More often than not these things are learned at home. As a mother and educator, I’ve witnessed many uncivil acts amongst my children and the students I teach and advise almost on a daily basis.  From an innocent snatch of a toy, to a Tweet or FB post that bears all about someone’s personal life, to disrespectful comments made by students in front of faculty or staff, to arguments that ensure between peers during a classroom discussion…incivility prevails.  The old adage ‘if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all’ has been replace by ‘speak your mind [or put your thoughts in print] and any cost’.  

So how does this relate to our home lives?

Many of us are living and struggling to survive in households where there is little time to commit to educating our children about common courtesy, respect for elders or authority figures or to teach our young people how to engage in discourse that yields respect and understanding for diversity of thought and opinions. You may say to yourself, “I do this”, but what I’m getting at is that we should be doing this in a proactive educational manner rather than from a reactive posture when an incident occurs. Constant reinforcement of good behavior and looking at life for its teaching moments when the waters are calm are indeed more effective. The average parents begin the day frustrated and short on time (and patience) and when they return home from a job that has challenged them emotional and physically, they find themselves trying to manage hours of homework and/or extracurricular activities and other commitments which can cause anyone to fly off the deep end. I have to admit that some of my evenings end with me talking through my teeth and trying to get four kids from one place to another in one piece or I have to take a time out from homework because I’m frustrated or overwhelmed.  As we cycle through life we tend to forget that we have to arm our children with the ability to effectively utilize one of the most powerful gifts that God has given us…our use of words.  When we don’t model a communication behavior in our home that allows others to speak without interruption, that allows those who may not agree with us to speak freely and without fear of retribution, when we don’t teach the importance of being civically astute and not abusive in terms of our right to freedom of speech, when we believe that we are more effective when we yell, curse and belittle, when we lash out with our silence, when we let our nonverbal communication shut down someone’s thought process, we pass these traits on to our children, who in turn carry these traits with them into the real world and become disruptive community leaders, overly aggressive businessmen and women, callous politicians and religious leaders and careless educators. 

As a realist, I have to give consideration to the fact that life does harden us and at times makes us react from an ‘eye for an eye’ perspective, however I firmly believe that if the foundation for being able to effectively navigate a climate where incivility and disregard for human kind may exist is already in place and practiced, individually and collectively, we increase our chances of being able to engage in discourse without incident.

In November of 2010, the Chairman of the National Endowment of the Humanities, Jim Leach spoke at Delaware State.  His yearlong platform was a focus on incivility.  According to Chairman Leach, “In an era where declining civility increasingly hallmarks domestic politics and where anarchy has taken root in many parts of the world, it is imperative that cultural differences at home and abroad be respectfully understood, rather than irrationally denigrated.”   Now more than ever, our role as parents is increasing important.  We can no longer embrace the spirit of dysfunction as something that ‘has’ to exist because of the chaotic world in which we live, play and work.  We have a responsibility to raise children that can lead households and this nation with respect and candor not just for the things in which they believe but for this positions and platforms that are important to others.  Think about the next time one of your kids tells the other to shut up (which happened as I typed this blog entry).  Do you scream at the perpetrator or do you remind them in a stern way that the behavior and discourse is not appropriate or approved of in your home and that there will be a punishment if the behavior continues.  Think about the next time someone snaps at you at work.  Do you snap back or do you take a moment to collect your thoughts and respond in a civil manner despite the other person’s insensitivity and awareness of their poor communication style.  Think about the next time someone offers a religious or political opinion that is opposite of your view.  Do you go off on a diatribe that belittles the person and his or her entire religious community or political party or do you engage in a fair and equitable conversation that leads both participations to a better understand of the views?

Civil discourse has to start in our homes because what we learn at home undergirds our behavior in all facets of life.  

Ringing in the New Year

I haven’t ever made a New Year’s resolution and I’m not about to start.  What I’ve chosen to do as we enter 2011 is to look back at the year that I’ve had and work to improve the things that truly need polishing, set realistic goals for myself and encourage my children to do the same, and more importantly continue to invest in my marriage. 

As I look back, I know exactly what brought me stress in 2010…not delegating, taking on too much at home and at work, not being able to see my mom as often as I used to, and not relaxing when I needed to.  I know where I was a slacker…I haven’t worked out regularly since Joshua was born and need to shed about 15 pounds.  I know what I want to change…less yelling when the kids don’t do as we say and more implementation of stricter discipline and greater financial management.  I know what worked…a commitment to tithing, weekly communication with Micah about household matters and each others, recycling, and our weekend family excursions to all the free or low-cost activities in and around Delaware.  I know what made me grateful for the family and the life that I have…Haiti, the floods in California, the loss of Elizabeth Edwards to cancer, changes in health care and health care disparities, and violence and senseless death on both an international and local scale.

While these are just a few of the noteworthy and/or eye opening events that impacted my life over the last year, it’s more than enough to motivate me to improve upon the life I have and embrace the life that I know God has in store for me and my family.  I don’t have a profound cliché to leave you with, no dramatic story or life changing advice, but as you read this and think about how you want to shape 2011 to be a year of success, love and discovery for yourself, the nugget that I can offer is to give it all to God, listen to that inner voice that usually tells you the truth and take one day at a time with a commitment to getting the most out of each day in the new year.

God bless you and your family and may 2011 be the best year ever!

Season's Greetings and a Prosperous New Year

from the Edwards Family

Mrs. First State Makes Being a Mother and Wife a Top Priority

I am blessed to have the opportunity to be the reigning Mrs. First State (Mrs. United States Pageant System http://www.mppinc2006.com/.)  The Mrs. United States Pageant which is held annually in Las Vegas is now celebrating its 25th anniversary.  The Mrs. United States Pageant system is no ordinary beauty pageant - it is extraordinary - and is committed to recognizing married woman for their ability to integrate intellect and beauty.

Even before I entered the Mrs. Pageant arena, I was committed to focusing my energies on being a positive role model for my children and a supportive wife.  In today’s media and technology saturated environment, far too often images of mothers, wives and families are distorted.  Dysfunctional families are celebrated on evening sitcoms, songs have been written about single mothers and Hollywood starlets down play the challenges of raising children with an au pair instead of a husband and father.  

While my family has not yet met with perfection (and I’m certain that it never will), one thing that I am certain of is that my lineage is one in which family comes first. My husband and I aren’t sticklers for observing the traditional roles in the home and find value in doing things that we consider to be our talent or area of expertise.  To this end, you may find my husband doing laundry, helping with homework, or trying to put barrettes on the ends of our daughter’s braids and I may be in the garden weeding or cleaning the garage.  Our home is one in which fun, respect and observance of rules in the order of the day.  We encourage our children to problem-solve on their own (this is often accompanied with a gentle warning that if they don’t manage the situation on their own, we’ll have to and they probably won’t like our decision) and we make it a point to let our children know that they are the priority. 

As a wife, I try to do things that show my children the love and admiration I have for their father.  This is an effortless task as my husband makes it easy to love him.  I think it’s important for parents to model what a loving home should be like as our children will grow up to be parents and spouses.  The images that our children see of families in turmoil - - in society, on television and on the Internet - - are a far cry from what I want my children to embrace. As a part of a blended family, we are not without our issues, but with much work and prayer and focus on self instead of those individual who we think are the source of friction, the world of step parenting has moved from moments of frustration and disappointment to one of joy and mutual respect.

As our children get older, we also see the growing importance of carving out quality time for each of them.  We recognize the unique personalities of our children and know that while some of their needs may overlap, that they deserve special attention and care from us on an individual level. 

Lastly, I put myself (mental, spiritual and physical health) first.  My life experiences have taught me that if you are not taking care of yourself in a holistic manner, you are in no position to offer a level of support and quality care for others.  I find time to be alone, I ask for help when I need it instead of assuming that I have this super woman alter ego that can do it all, I surround myself with loving family, great friends who don’t tell me what I want to hear but give me constructive criticism and sound advice and I seek guidance and support from my church family.

Today’s families are faced with a multitude of challenges.  Strong families systems provide the necessary support for families to successfully navigate those challenges.  Now more than ever it is important to build and sustain strong families and raise children that will carry family values and a sense of community with them into adulthood.  As I parent, I remember one thing that my dad used to tell me.  The dysfunction, attitudes, beliefs and work ethic we have at home are the same that we carry with us into the world and into our work environments.  The relationships and values we cultivate in the home are indicative of the society in which we live today; a society filled with dishonesty, disrespect and an individualist mindset.  As mothers and wives, it is our responsibility to do our part to instill family values and a kindness and concern for the world around us each and every day in our children.  We need to exemplify what it means to be a loving and civic minded individual so that our children have the amour they need to face the challenges of a world that has distorted the image of what family truly is.

I don’t have all the answers, my choices may not always be right, but I am committed to putting family first.  Share my commitment to your family.

What’s the reason…

Today was the start of the holiday season in our house.  In true Edwards’ fashion, my husband read through the holiday sales catalogues and the giant toy books, circled what he thought our children would like, scanned the items circled by our number two son and our little girl and proceeded to get his shop on.

For the last few Christmases, I must admit that I’ve gone way above the budget and that I need to be reigned in at times, but the fanfare and spirit of holiday shopping is always taken away from me in my husband’s quest to minimize my holiday over-spending.

As usual, I called my sister and one of my best girlfriends to complain and both of them said the same thing…”at least you don’t have to fight the hustle and bustle of crowded malls…and it’s done.” Not exactly the answer that I wanted to hear, but they were right.

So as I drove to work sulking because no one seemed to be on my side of the Christmas shopping argument, I began to think…think about the real reason for the season and the advertising blitz that seems to make thankfulness, praising of God and the merriment of family take a back seat to fighting for the latest gadgets to be placed under our trees.

As a mom, one of the best holiday moments has been seeing the looks on my children’s faces as they open their presents on Christmas morning.  As the children get older and the amazement of how Santa delivers presents through a chimney that we don’t have seem to fade away, I’ve noticed that my children are excited about the holiday because of what they ‘expect’ to get from us and are far    removed from the foundations of such a spiritually  entrenched time of year.

My husband and I have talked about reducing the number of gifts we give, making our children donate some of their toys and even volunteering as a family but is this really what I want to do?  Something superficial once or twice a year?

When it’s all said and done, I want my children to see the blessings that God has bestowed upon our family year round.  I want them to have a spirit of giving, love for family and concern for others 356 days a year.  As a mom, my prayer is that for the next few weeks, I am able to focus on love and not on who’s done the most gift purchasing or gift wrapping; and on Christmas morning, I hope not to be pleased by the smiles on our children’s faces because of what they’ve received from us, but to be at peace with what God has given; once again.