Mentoring: Pageantry Style

The Atlantic Coast Pageant's Board

Tanee saying thanks at her send-off party

For the last year, I've had the pleasure of being on the board of the Atlantic Coast Pageant's System. This system is a preliminary to the Miss Delaware’s Outstanding Teen Pageant, a part of the Miss Delaware Scholarship Organization.  The Atlantic Coast Pageant’s system has been working with our teen queen Tanee DeCosta for the last several months to prepare her for the state competition. 

Along this journey, I’ve helped Tanee to promote her platform of bullying and bullying prevention “The Hate Free Zone” and have gone on several appearance with her where she has spoken out about bullying at its impact on today’s youth.  It’s truly amazing to see how our young people’s lives are being impacted and in some cases taken away because of careless words and actions.  Because Tanee herself has such a powerful story, it makes her platform that much stronger as she continues to share it with schools and community groups.

The most exciting thing about mentoring in a pageant system is that you get to go beyond the beauty and contribute to the development and character of one tomorrow’s leaders.  While this isn’t my first experience with mentoring, this holds a special place in my heart because I’ve been able to see Tanee grow from a novice competitor to a strong pageant representative who is having a great impact on others around her.  I’ve also seen the dedication and determination that many of today’s young people lack shine through in this young woman, and know that while the hours and personal commitment has been long that it has been well worth it.

Ideally, having the opportunity and time to dedicate to young people in our families and in our communities would be a small step in creating the framework for a society in which individuals hold a sense of responsibility for themselves and others. Realistically, we may not have the time but the challenge for all of us should be to do our part to help today’s youth…no matter how small or how large.

Best of luck to Miss Atlantic Coast’s Outstanding Teen, Tanee DeCosta and may you shine like never before!

Springing Forward

As the seasons change, are you ready to change? That's one thing I often think about four times of year but in the past my energies were focused on cleaning out closets, scrubbing floor boards, rearranging, etc. However, as time has passed I have grown to understand and embrace the spiritual metaphor and scripture references that focus on the 'need' for change as the seasons come and go.

I can recall a time in my life in which dating became so emotionally draining that I was overcome with depression. In the process of trying to get refocused on life, as it were, I was told by a church friend that I needed a season...a season away from dating; a season for myself.

At another point in my life when my parents took ill, I remember being overwhelmed with caregiver responsibilities. I was angry at the fact that the burden was falling on my shoulders. I was responsible for dispensing medication, bathing, cooking and cleaning and even getting my mother to and from adult daycare. I joined a support group for caregiver and was told that it would take a season; a season to purge the anger and pain, a season to heal; a season to learn how to be a good caregiver.

Our move to Delaware was not as smooth as I wanted it to be because I had not secured a job at the time. I was still commuting back and forth to DC to work. Each week I would come home and it seemed as if I didn't have time to relax and enjoy my family or home. I was so unhappy with my 'life situation' that I began to let this affect my marriage. I went to church and talked to my pastor about my frustration and she gave me a book entitled Don’t Die in the Winter…Your season is Coming (Dr. Millicent Thompson). I read that book in a few days and it was in that moment when I truly got what it meant to take a 'season' when life seems to offer you more than you can bear. Having a clear understanding of spiritual seasons is important as we grow (and yes, no matter how old we are, there is still room to grow).  We can’t rush what God has planned for us each season (although we often try to by doing things in our way) or else we risk missing the blessing.  The reality is that sometimes, it may take more than one season for us to accomplish life’s goals but the true test is whether we are willing to hang on to those goals until we accomplish them.

As we spring forward, ask yourself what you need to do this season so that you can be renewed in mind, body and spirit. Don't just 'clean house' this spring, but commit yourself to a cleansing of the negative energy, thoughts and in some cases, the people that may be dragging you down.  Prepare your  heart and mind, because your season is coming.

If I had to do it all over again…

The other day I was in Wal-Mart, shopping for snacks when I happened upon a conversation between two mothers. I came in on the beginning of the conversation and managed to loiter in the snack isle until they were finished.

Here’s a bit of their conversation (paraphrased of course…)

MOM #1: “If I had to do it all over again, I would go to college; I wouldn’t have kids so young…”

MOM #2: “Me too.  Look at [reference to a friend], she went to college and got out of Delaware. And look at their kids. I hear her daughter is doing well in Florida too.”

MOM #1:  “I don’t know what to do with my kids.  Everyday it’s something.  I don’t even want to think about college.”

MOM #2:  “Yeah, we don’t have the money.”

Needless to say the conversation continued. At moments, I wanted to interject but I didn’t want to come off as some eaves dropping lunatic or some overzealous woman in Wal-Mart dying to add my two cents to their conversation, but had I mustered up the courage to speak, I would have said this:

There are all moments in our lives that we wish we could recant.  Even in instances when there are legal ramifications, we get second chances.  Life offers us a series of opportunities to make right the things we can’t seem to live with. It’s never too late to tackle a challenge that may have been mastered with ease in your youth.  Getting a college education regardless of age is a 21^st century requirement.  It is nearly impossible to achieve success without a degree [or two].  For the past several years, I have the pleasure of teaching non-traditional students who proudly graduate with their children and relish in the fact that when ‘life’ happened they rolled with the punches and stayed focused on educational attainment…regardless of whether it took a decade or two (and yes I’ve had students who labored for decades to complete an undergraduate degree).

As far as looking at others and standing in envy of their accomplishments; DON’T.  Your life is what is important.  Setting goals based on what other’s are doing is a surefire way to end up facing failure and darkening your spirit as you try to accomplish feats that are not heartfelt. 

There are a lot of things that I’d like to do over if I had the chance again.  (I'd list them but some are way too embarassing and I still feel a sense of shame just thinking about dumb mistakes or careless actions of the past).  But when you get a moment, think about the thing(s) that most impacted your life in the past and how much ‘a do over’ would enhance your life in the here and now.  You may have the resources (time, money, energy) to do that thing over but if you don’t, how do you move forward?  You start be reflecting on and treasuring the experiences of the past; regardless of the positive or negative impact of those experiences.  Second, set realistic goals that you can accomplish on your own terms and third, have faith and patience through the process.  This is not the only recipe for success, but if you don’t try something you’ll never get beyond wishing for a chance to do it over again.  

 

Not Judging - Just Trying to Make Sense of the Situation

During this political season, I too have listened to what some may characterize as nothing more than racially charged rhetoric of GOP candidates (no need to name names here) with their talk about How African Americans should demand work not food stamps.  Well today, as I waited in line at the grocery store with my one item, I became extremely frustrated as the patrons in front of me paid for purchases with their food stamps.

In my observation (which lasted about 15 minutes because the cashier couldn’t seem to figure out how to process the WIC checks), I noticed a few things.  One customer was several months pregnant, accompanied by a child who looked to be about six or seven.  She used her check to purchase six cans of Similac which made me deduce that there was an infant in the home as well. As not to seem extremely judgmental in my thought process, I asked myself what it would take for me to make a decision to better prepare myself financial before making the choice to bring another child into this world…a child who would also be dependent on the system as a result of my own shortcomings. 

While the Similac purchasing customer was waiting for the cashier to troubleshoot, the second couple in line realized that they had forgotten a few items…cigarettes, lighters and of course the four pack of Monster Energy Drinks.  I watched the husband open his wallet and ruffle through about five - twenty dollar bills, several tens and ones.  Yes, I was standing that close! He pulled out twenty dollars to pay for his purchase while his wife pulled out her WIC check to pay for cereal and milk.  Again, as not to be judgmental in my conversation with self, I posed this question; what vices or luxuries would I be willing to give up so that I can better provide for my family?

While some folks running for office seem to think it’s important to target a specific race in their banter about dependence on public assistance, I think that the real issue is changing the mindset of those who do have to depend on the system for long periods of time.  What I mean is this.  Frivolous spending, bad habits, gambling, cheating the system, etc. have to end.  There needs to be a level of accountability for those who are funneled through the system and a willingness on their part to want to do better; a desire to be self-sufficient. 

As a mother of four children and one who sees a pay check every two weeks with enough money taken out in taxes to pay a small mortgage I feel as though I have a right to be critical.  At the beginning of last year I looked at my own spending and my own habits and re-evaluated mainly for the sake of my children. Nobody asked me to do this…I did it because I have the desire to want to provide for my family and be an example of how we often need to be self-reflexive.   I wanted them to see me making appropriate financial choices and I wanted to show them the importance of differentiating between getting the things that are needed or spending on the things that amount to nothing more than wants or desires.  So what did I sacrifice?  I completely eliminated a $5.00 a day Starbucks habit.  I stopped getting polish changes a couple of times a week at the cost of $10.00 a visit and I stopped ‘rewarding myself’ with treats from Tiffany & Co.  My total savings in coffee and nail care alone…$2,340.   No need to calculate the Tiffany bill, but let’s say it wasn’t as high as that of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich!

My final point is this. As parents, regardless of your wealth or status, you are obligated to change your lifestyle, bad habits and ugly vices for the good of your family.  As a parent, it should be heart wrenching for you to raise children in a cycle of dependency.  I’m not being a hard a*# because I do see folks at the register from time to time paying for basic necessities with food stamps or a WIC check with a face filled with pain and shame.  For those individuals who are out their busting their behinds to make a better life for themselves and their children I say stay in the fight and keep your head up.  But for those who want to continue to smoke and drink up their earnings and be content with the fact that they are paving the way to a mediocre life for their off spring, I say wake up and just TRY to make a change. No one is looking for people who need a helping hand to be able to move mountains but the hope is that you have the will to want to navigate around that mountain, no matter how arduous that journey may seem.   Your investment in yourself is being watched so if not for you…do it for your kids.

A New Narrative for 2012

I've pondered what to write about as I close out this year.  Resolutions aren't my thing, neither are clichés, so for a moment I was at a loss.  Thanks to a wonderful sister-friend Sybil Bowick, who sent me a link to a video, I have written the following:

=================================================================

When the movie For Colored Girls came out in 2010, I remember my sister Brenda saying that one thing she got from the movie was that every day we make choices; and when we make choices that give other people in our lives power we cannot blame anyone but ourselves.  For the duration of 2010 and 2011, I kept this in my left cerebrum and retrieved it often. 

Not that I haven't been a serious and critical thinker all my life, but in the last few years, I have found that thoroughly thinking through my choices and how they will benefit or hinder me (and do the same for others) has enriched my life ten-fold.  Probably, one of the most significant benefits of implementing a different way of thinking is the fact that my self-esteem and the value that I see in the person that I have grown to become have also been strengthened.

For many of us, we journey through life pointing the finger of blame at everyone around us because of our failures, inability to conquer obstacles and revelation that after years we have not accomplished anything on our goals or bucket list.

As women, the discourse surrounding who we are and what we should be is so deeply rooted in stereotypes that we let these things stagnate us.  Instead of rising above, we tend to fall in line and march with all of the other female soldiers. For example, we go like the Energizer Bunny because we do not feel like we can retire the Superman cape. We overcompensate because we feel guilty about being working moms.  We over accessorize and load up on foundation and the latest MAC cosmetics because the world says that is what makes us beautiful and sexy.  We do other duties as assigned at work (while some of our male colleagues won’t) and somehow we figure out how to make it work and still be at soccer, football, basketball and piano lessons on time!  Guilty as charged!

In the video that I referenced at the beginning of this blog, the author, Ariana Proehl speaks about the Death of the Single Black Woman Narrative. My charge to you, as hers was in the video, is to create a new narrative for 2012.  One in which the world sees you putting yourself first. A narrative in which others see you making decisions that benefit you and that are empowering.  A narrative that allows you to rip off that Superman cape and scream to the top of your lungs for help when you need it; a narrative that encourages others to look at women from an open, respectful, objective and ethical perspective; and narrative that forces people to see you as an individual.  A narrative of this nature may seem selfish, but when we take care of ourselves first, then and only then can we put our best foot forward in terms of taking care of others.  At the end of the day, as wives and mothers, that is the job that we have committed ourselves to, thus we must make the investment to do it well.  The investment starts at home.

While what I have written screams of psychoanalytic feminist thought, I do not profess to follow any fundamental feminist theories, but as a social scientist by trade, I do embrace the idea of empowerment, respect and social change.

This year, should be one in which your life is better than before because you choose to make it that way.  2012 should be filled with moments of smelling the flowers, taking time out for YOU, laughing when you can’t do anything else, crying when you need to, and sometimes just sitting in silent thought (oops, I couldn’t escape the clichés).

It is not going to be an easy journey…if God made it so, we wouldn’t have faith, but take one day and a time and make 2012 the best year ever.

 PS:  Check out Ariana Proehl's Youtube Post

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFYtkJfphOQ&feature=email

When Life Isn't Fair

Me and my #2 son Madison

My son recently auditioned for his first school play. For five days, we listened to him practice his lines and sing one of the songs from Alice in Wonderland...the Musical. He was pretty excited about the opportunity to audition even though I talked him down from auditioning for the part of the Mad Hatter because of the magnitude of that role.

Audition day arrives and the pods in the school were filled with students ready to audition. Luckily enough, Madison had an early audition time, so he only had to wait about 2 hours. On the ride home, he said that he felt good about his audition, even though his voice was low during some of the speaking parts.


The follow Monday when the cast was posted Madison's name was nowhere to be found. Although he wasn’t sad about not making the cut, one thing that he was puzzled about was the fact that the musical director and ever teacher that had a child audition for the play made it.  The musical director’s daughter even captured the lead role! Madison did not recognize this as being ‘unfair’ but I certainly did.

My first impulse was to call the principal and just inquire about this, as Madison told me that during the play orientation students were told that just because kids auditioning had parents that worked at the school didn’t guarantee them a part in the play. My husband interjected and told me that although it wasn’t fair that this is indeed how life is.  He went further to say how our son’s always get to play the entire basketball games, as their dad is the coach.  This was an eye-opener, as I never really thought about how other parents on the basketball teams must feel, seeing our son’s play entire games while their children ride the bench or get limited playing time.

It seems as if we can deal with life being unfair, until that hand is dealt to our own kids.  After much reflection and discussion with other parents, no phone call was made, but I sat down with Madison and told him that sometimes in life what may be unfair to others, whether it is by way of nepotism or long-standing friendships may have its benefits to the individual on the receiving end of the opportunity granted.  I told him that in my life I’ve been the beneficiary of some of these gifts; every job that I’ve ever gotten has been because of a dear friend’s reference or by way of them having inside knowledge of a job opportunity.  To those friends, Joy Arnold Russell, Patricia Smith, and Tracey McLeod I say thank you.

And so…instead of looking at some of life’s little moments as not being fair maybe we should look at them as platforms from which our hopes for success and accomplishment of our personal goals continue to spring eternal.

The Mitten Tree

Every since Black Friday, I’ve been in the holiday spirit.  I like going out in the wee hours of the morning (even though I rarely purchase anything) just to people-watch.  It’s amazing to see the strategic game faces, the lack of patience, frustration, excitement and anxiety.  Emotions that result from the desire to purchase the ‘perfect gift’ that will probably have a 24 hour lifespan, be thrown in a closet or re-gifted.

One face (or the faces) that we never get to see are those made brighter when we drop a toy in the Toys for Tots Box at a local retailer or take a mitten off a Mitten Tree in a mall, on campus, at church or drug store.  I don’t think I’ve passed up a mitten tree this season.  I took a mitten from Wal-Mart and purchased a doll, I clipped mittens to the tree in the lobby at Del Tech, I took several mittens from the tree at church (so that each of the kids could give a gift), and I took toys to this month’s sorority meeting for the annual holiday party. 

Each time I’ve taken a mitten, I’ve stared blankly at the tree wondering what that particular family would do on Christmas morning had it not been for the respective organizations and their willingness to solicit gifts, especially during a season in which many are facing financial hardships themselves.  I wonder how the family member felt when asked to write down what they wanted for Christmas (on one tree there were nothing but necessities listed on the mittens…diapers, bottles, gloves, socks and underwear; no toys at all).  I even thought about those individuals who would probably work tirelessly to wrap and deliver all the gifts, knowing all too well that when it comes to the hard work of a true community servant, sometimes you are in the trenches alone.

I reflected on the fact that this seasons, whether it be through Delta Sigma Theta, student organizations on campus which I advise, church or pageantry, that I seem to have more opportunities than ever to serve and to give back.  Which lead me to another thought; what happens when this season has come and gone?  What happens when there are no more mitten trees?  Will those individuals who are so thought about during Christmas fade away until it is once again time to hang tinsel and adorn another tree with mittens?

I am so thankful for all that I have and all that I am able to give, but I’m most humbled at the fact that I carry a mitten tree in my heart year-round. 

Take a mitten or two
Make a holiday wish come true.

Bake an extra batch of cookies

One for home and one to share.

Tip the postal worker and the trash guy

Just to show them that you care.

Take a mitten or two

And warm someone else’s heart.

Be a secret angel

As Christ did on the cross.

Take a mitten or two

But don’t just share this month.

Make a commitment to give all year long

And continually share love and warmth.


Merry CHRISTmas!