An Open Letter To Cancer

Once again, you've come from an unknown place and planted yourself in a vessel that is so cherished and loved by many. You've shaken a strong soul but she remains resilient and is as giving, helpful and as focused as ever. You cause some around her to whisper and wonder, while others are forthright with their prayers and kind words. Your impact is like a rock skipping on a pond…everyone can see the widening impact of your sneaky blow. 

My heart aches every time someone close to me is diagnosed.  I even panic when friends have close calls with you.  A biopsy here, a sonogram or two; you cause so much stress there’s no justice for what you do.  You even tried to sneak up on me but it was a lost cause.  For days, after one of your growths was removed, I had to stop and pause.  I asked myself, what if it was, what would I do? Would I lose my hair? Would treatments leave me sick and blue? While I’m left with only a scar others have to face a lifetime of emptiness because of what you do.

You are like a mythical shape-shifter…you come in many forms. You have no regard for age, race, creed or gender; your wrath is like a deadly storm.  Oh Cancer, you took my father, uncle and even weakened my mother.  You’re wreaking havoc in the life of my co-worker, friends, their loved-ones and millions of others. 

No one likes you Cancer.  We don’t know why you hurt the most precious people - - so valued and full of worth.  Why can’t you find a hole to rot in or even better fall off the face of the earth.  No one would miss you; in fact the world would be a better place.  It’s time for you to go Cancer; you’re taking up too much space.

We’ll continue to fight the good fight, with our walks, marathons, galas and most importantly our research. We may not have a cure and we don’t know when or where you’ll strike next, but one thing that we do know is that you can’t conquer our prayer, love and the mighty spirit that wants to continue the good fight against you.

Cancer…you will not win. 

Rest in peace to all of those who fought the good fight until the end; prayers to those survivors and strengthen and support to those who are beginning this uncertain journey.

Reflections on a Bike Ride

Instead of our usual daily three-mile run, we decided to bike.  As my husband mounted his racing bike dressed in his bikeline.com gear, I put on one of the boys bike helmets and nervously got on the Schwinn (used to running and pushing the Schwinn stroller instead so this was way out of my comfort zone).

I was extremely fearful of falling off the bike, not being able to adjust to gears, etc. but as we headed out onto route 13 my thoughts quickly shifted.  I paced myself and just as I do when I run, I begin the think and reflect. 

My fear of riding a bike was minimal compared to the fear that this nation felt ten years ago when we all were shaken by the greatest terrorist attack in this country’s history. 

As I pushed ahead and winced at all of the road-kill along the bike route, I thought about the innocent people and soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq; senseless deaths as the result of road-side bombings, military attacks, and outright rebellion.

I took a drink break and thought about the children in Haiti who still don’t have access to clean drinking water and the people in Pennsylvania for which a state of emergency has been declared because of flooding that was far worse than that brought on by Hurricane Irene.

As I rode past the local fresh food market I thought about the families in this area who don’t know where their next meal is coming from and all of the children that benefit from the school snack fund.

As I crossed Route 13 I passed a family of strangers sitting on the porch and reflected on the fact that every day we pass strangers who need a friend or a helping hand.

As I struggled to bike up the hill, I thought about folks who struggle to get up every morning because they don’t have the will to live or those who struggle just to live paycheck-to-paycheck.

As I rode further up Route 13 and Mary Mary’s God in Me blared in my headphones, I wished that everyone had a bit more God in them.

Making the push to ride the last mile back to the house was hard, but Dave Hollister’s Striving came on (God is an expert when it comes to timing).  We gotta keep moving no matter what the obstacle, no matter what the test. We gotta push through it…He’s got His angles watching over me, interceding for me, looking out for me…keep on, keep on striving.

Keep striving my friends, to be a better person, to love harder, to work smarter to love the life you have, even thought it not perfect and regardless of how you’re feeling in the moment, promise yourself  to never forget that you are hear for a reason.

PS:       Biking and reflecting…great experience.  Biking after a Brazilian…not so good! 

The Ugly Secret on College Campuses

As a college professor (going into my 12^th year) not a semester goes by in which a young woman doesn’t come to me with the heart wrenching story of acquaintance rape or dating violence.  In semester’s past, I’ve begged students to at least seek counseling if they were resolved to keeping this a secret. In many of the instances, these enterprising young ladies, have their spirits broken by men that they have to attend classes with, eat with, share social space with and even have to deal with some of these guys harassing them to make sure they keep this dirty little secret.

Today was my breaking point. An individual came to me in tears and shared such a graphic story that I almost vomited.  What sickened me wasn’t necessarily her account of what amounted to a gang rape but the fact that by a process of elimination I could identify the perpetrators...who I will have to teach in coming semesters. I fought back tears as she sat crouched on my sofa blaming herself for being intoxicated, for not going home…for going out in the first place.  I assured her that this reckless disregard for human life was not her fault and that somehow, some way, we need to begin the healing process. 

Out of respect for this young woman, I won’t share any other details of this traumatic experience, but I will offer this.  As campus administrators, I believe we have a responsibility to make sure our students are safe, have access to counseling and support when needed, and that there is due process when appropriate.  I have vowed not to let another semester go by in which a young women pours her heart out to me and shares the gruesome details of a sexual assault.  I praise God everyday that this has not been a part of my personal lived experience as a woman but my heart has been pricked one too many times by horrific accounts of what so called guy ‘friends’ do in a moment of  “drunkenness” and extremely poor judgment.  Rape is a heinous crime and it permeates college campuses across this country.  We need to take a stand to educate our young men and young women about these life changing acts of violence which rob so many bright college students of their vigor and zest for life.  I don’t have a plan but I know something must be done - - beyond the resources that colleges and universities offer because they aren’t working. 

For those of you who walk in my same shoes, blessings as you go to campuses as mentors, mother figures, sister-friends and confidant and please share your thoughts, opinions and solutions to this hidden secret. 

The Present but Absent Father

I read an article about the Mayor of Philadelphia who chided black parents of young children responsible for a rash of violent flash mobs in the city this summer. Mayor Nutter called out absent fathers who fail to do nothing more but serve as sperm donors or ATMs to their children and pointed the finger at this not so new phenomenon as the root cause of the problem we are having with some of today's youth. While his sermon (or political church speech) was on target/insightful (and offensive to some in the black community) it made me think about fathers who are at home physically but remain absent in their children's lives.

On any given summer afternoon, I can look around my neighborhood...let me back up - I can look out at our cul-de-sac and see a bunch of young boys playing basketball with my husband and sons. Many come in for dinner or snacks and some have even been afforded the privilege of sleeping over. I've even asked my husband when he was going to give himself a break as the neighborhood dad because the time playing basketball or hanging out with the neighborhood kids often turns in to homework time, additional carpool duties, etc.  What I've come to notice is that it is the same set of boys that have gravitated to this "Kool Aid" house. To my knowledge, all of them have two parents in the home but I have to ask myself, why are they playing ball or going to the pool or just hanging out with their fathers.  So of course, I do some informal research, and find out that most dads are sleeping or watching TV or doing odd things around the house.

This is something that very few of us talk about or probably even notice...The Present but Absent Dad. It is a blessing in this day and age that there are so many two-parent households but providing food, clothing and shelter is not the end of the line when it comes to parenting. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I did have some challenges with my dad growing up, as he was a functioning alcoholic, but even through his drunkenness, he was there…cheering us on at choir concerts or gymnastics meets; family outings and fishing trips. He would even travel to JMU for every parent’s weekend wearing this cheesy shirt that read "My Dollars and Daughter Go to JMU".


What I've come to notice is that a number of today's dads are just sitting on the sofa and channel surfing, mowing the lawn or 'catching up' on sleep. There is a new breed of fathers who believe that their work is done outside of the home and that the mother is there to raise, mentor, discipline and celebrate the children. There are a number of dads that I can name that are extremely active in their children's lives (for fear of leaving anyone out…no list this time) and their kids are better citizens and young leaders in the making because of this.


To me, the present but absent father is just as negative as the totally absent father.  It is a hurtful thing for a child to ask a parent for companionship and attention, only to be told no…regardless of the reason.  Sure, as parents, we all have our moments when we’re tired, overly extended or have been so emotionally beaten up that we can barely care for ourselves, but through the muck and meyer of what we call life, we’ve got to find a way to strengthen our parenting skills and carve out time for our kids. 


No one can be 100% all the time, but the partnership that a mom and dad has is essential to the building up of independent children with high self esteem and strong values. I don't see shutting down the cul-de-sac activities or closing the pantry to hungry boys, but I'd like to challenge all parents to support each other and encourage one another to be present in the lives of their children.


So, as the little one tugs on the mouse and tries to pull me away from the computer, I offer you this: At the end of the day, we all reap what we sew.  If you aren't there for your children now, you run the risk not having them there for you in your golden years.



http://www.theblaze.com/stories/youve-damaged-your-own-race-philly-mayor-blasts-teens-flash-mobs/

When Mommy Faces Financial Challenges

In the wake of what seems to be a looming double dip recession, many families will probably continue to struggle with financial issues on the home front, which means everything from back to school to Christmas shopping (may seem far off but my husband usually starts shopping right after the back to school rush, maybe you do too) will once again be threatened. 

If you’re like me, it’s hard to say ‘no’ sometimes and I can’t help but feel that I have a responsibility to do what my parents did for me - - make my children’s lives better than mine and afford them access to opportunities and things that I didn’t experience growing up.  Well to that end, my parents did a really good job, so I try to mirror much of what my childhood experience was like; traveling, theater and the arts, family nights out on the town, trying to grant every wish on a birthday or Christmas list, etc. but there is one difference.  My parents did this when there was no recession (or that I can remember).  The worse thing that I do remember was the gas crisis in the 80s but that only meant getting up early to get gas on your assigned day…not sacrificing the material things in life.

Fortunately, my husband and I have been blessed with emotionally and financially rewarding careers but the key to not having to face too many financial challenges has been my husband’s golden rule (not sure if he stole this from Suze Orman or not) “Live below you means.”  When we got engaged and my husband took the reins of the household, he readjusted my entire financial ideology.  You see, I’ve made a pretty good living all of my life and prior to marriage I was able to maintain a home; purchase cars for cash and even cared for my ailing parents, saved my then 6 months of salary (according to NBC financial analysts it’s now a cushy 8 months salary that should be saved) and still have money to spend.  My philosophy was paying your bills, tithes (and I didn’t do that on a regular basis back then) then shop or go on my weekly 5-star dining tour of the Metropolitan area.  Back then, I didn’t care about a credit rating and financial planning for a family was nowhere on my radar.

Needless to say, I didn’t want to do what my husband said to do (that living below your means thing) but hindsight is that it turned out to be a blessing.  Not once during our nation’s financial dog and pony show have we had to make drastic changes or deny our children anything for financial reasons.  We’ve managed to be diligent about living below our means and even use my adjunct money for family expenses including clothing, school needs, and vacation spending money. I also cut back a 15.00 a day Starbucks habit and now use my Keurig to make Delaware’s best iced coffees for about 15.00 a month.  I also reduced the number of spa trips.  Back in the day, I’d have car service to and from the spa so that I could have a truly relaxing day and would spend hundreds on treatments.  I was also getting my nails and hair done every week.  I still get my nails done but maybe once or twice a month and I’ve learned to care for my own short and sassy hair cut.  On the shopping front, I’m down with the new chic shoppers…and have become a Goodwill Goddess (hey…I need to trademark that!) and I’m no longer at Tiffany’s every month treating myself, but I’ve found pleasure in upscale consignment shopping and allow my coupon savvy husband, who LOVES to shop handle much of the clothes shopping for the kids and the house.  Although I fall off the financial wagon from time-to-time, finances are not our biggest worries.

So as the sun sets on the summer of 2011 and most of us prepare for school and a barrage of upcoming holidays and family events, I offer you what Suze Orman offers to her many followers: adopt a new American Dream, one that focuses on happiness and fulfillment and not things.

So what does this mean to you?  I’m not sure, but I can tell you what this means to me.  For starters I had to take baby steps.  A few years ago I cleaned up my credit (or should I say my husband did this) and got rid of all but one credit card.  I made a commitment to stop being financially dishonest with my husband by hiding purchases and vowed to openly discuss financial matters.  Lastly, before any major spending I ask myself ‘is it a want or a need’. My new American Dream is being able to indulge my children in cultural and education activities (many of which are free to the public and oftentimes, seem to be the most exciting for our family), being creative (e.g. Fast Food Fridays in which everyone helps to make the weeks most unhealthy meal of everything from homemade mozzarella sticks, to chicken fingers and potato skins and milkshakes) to Me and Micah’s night out on the lawn which usually happens after he’s done Grand Prix lawn cutting on the riding mower and amounts to nothing more than us sitting on the grass drinking a glass of wine and just hanging out with each other.  These moments are priceless or should I say low cost, and are exactly what we need in this broken economy.  Even more importantly, these are ways to carve out special time with children and spouses and create moments that are unmatched by any material possession.

I truly don’t have this financial thing figured out.  If I did, I’d be quoting myself and not Suze Orman or I might even be on the cover of my own “F” magazine like Lady O, but one thing I do know is that control of your finances can make or break you and I don’t want to be broken because I need ensure that my children grow up to be financially savvy adults and it all start with what they see in the home.

Not a day goes by where stock market or business news shows anything but a bleak prospectus for the average Jo or Joan.  The threat of this financial burden being inherited by our children is more present than ever and we need to teach them fiscal responsibility now.  Be honest with your children about financial issues (they are resilient and whether you talk to them or not, they know they are growing up in poor economic times), don’t feel pressure to keep up with the Joneses, and get your children involved in the saving process.  Most of all, find ways to cut back but creating lasting family moments that everyone can cherish.

“We’ve decided to End our Marriage”

What Hollywood does when it doesn’t work

This morning I woke up to watch the news (mainly for the weather because I don’t watch the news on the weekend as it is so depressing Monday through Friday) and heard a story about Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony and their decision to end their seven year marriage.  At first I sat there in amazement…yet another Hollywood couple throwing in the towel but not before releasing a well-crafted statement to the media stating that they’ve tried to work everything out and have come to an amicable agreement and oh yeah...and the ever important please respect our privacy at this time verbiage.

Now I’m no expert on marriage (and am not being a critic of J-Lo or Mark Anthony per se) but four children, a few mortgage refinances, some emotional ups and downs, a very stressful career changes with a salary cuts, and seven years later,  I find that this [being marriage] was the best thing that happened to me.

I didn’t enter into my marriage with any fairy tale imagery, outlandish dreams of living in a McMansion, raising stellar children who would someday go on to cure cancer or be the next college freshman athlete to go directly to the hall of fame (you get what I’m saying…) but I didn’t enter into my marriage with faith and a strong commitment to doing what was necessary (and ethical) to make my marriage work.  You know why?  I’ll tell you.

That’s what I saw during my childhood.  Men and women (my parents, aunts and uncles and neighbors, church folks, etc.) making marriages work.  And from what I saw, that meant agreeing to disagree, arguing (but doing it fairly and not in front of children or others for that matter), enjoying things together like gardening, taking in a baseball game or two, sharing a cup of coffee on the front porch in the morning, getting away with your girls or the fellas from time to time, playing Spades or Bid Whist on the weekends, being financially truthful and putting God first.  Things weren’t perfect (my dad was a functioning alcoholic…but that another blog entry) but all in all, he was a wonderful father, husband and provider and once he chose to stop drinking I saw my parent’s marriage take on a new life.  Maybe that’s one of the things that I focus on when I hit a rough spot…how my parents actually made a deliberate choice to do things differently so that they could sustain their marriage.

Marriage is a job.  There is no salary, you don’t get promoted, you don’t accumulate sick or vacation leave but the benefits are unmatched by anything on this earth.  For me, the rewards are countless and while there are times where I do want to scream or have a “War of the Roses” moment and throw glasses, I wouldn’t change a thing.  When I’m overwhelmed, have cried my last tear, or want to hide in my closet because I feel so defeated (yes…that’s the only place where I can have a real alone moment) I know that my husband will be there to either make me laugh or use his strong spirituality to bring me back to my center.

I want to take a moment to recognize some couples that I look up to.  Some of you may know this and others may be seeing this revealed for the first time, but just know that your marriage has been one that I’ve taken a piece from and that me and my family are blessed because of you:

Arthur and Brenda Payton                                    Darryl and Carmelita Taylor

Trump and Kimberly Stevens                                Anthony and Mary Yancey

Dan and Tracy Sparks                                         Michael and Donetta Clark
Jason and Melba Williams                                   Jay and Crystal Stewart
Jerome and Claire Garrett                                     Kamau and LaLinda Street
Geoff and Shana Williams                                   Shannon and Scott Sharhage

The list could go on, but these are some of our friends who have truly made the commitment to marriage and family.

So to all those in Hollywood that get married, have children, divorce then ask the world to stay out of your business I offer this to you…Facebook some of the couples that I’ve listed in this Blog, ask them what makes marriage work.  I’m sure they’d say that there’s no right or wrong answer, but I can guarantee that words like trust, respect, love, fortitude, passion, forgiveness and commitment will be a part of what they share.

Every night when I go to bed, I thank God for my husband and my children.  I thank Him for the lessons I learn each day as a married woman and know that life wouldn’t be the same if I were on this journey alone.  There’s no cliché way to end this…no quote about marriage, no list of the top 10 things to do to save or sustain a marriage and no reference book to refer you to, but I will leave you with this.

For better or for worse…

Bella Vita

While there’s much to say…this entry will get to straight to the point.  I, along with the rest of the country am shocked at the Casey Anthony trial verdict.  We will never know how that innocent two year old died but what we can say as people watching from the outside is that the actions of two mothers will forever go down as disgraceful. 

We must ask ourselves, how could a mother club the night away just days after her child ‘allegedly’ goes missing? How could a grandmother commit perjury knowing full well that not telling the truth could land her in jail?

Indeed, mothers have a great deal of pressure in raising children and keeping families together and young-single mothers have a more difficult time balancing work and family life but extremes of lying and the thought of murder as a means of riding oneself of the stressors of motherhood is not the answer.

I’m sure we all have a level of dysfunction in our homes (probably not as extreme as we’ve seen play out in the Anthony trial) but we manage.  What saddens me about Ms. Anthony is that she probably was looking for Bella Vita (the beautiful life) but failed to realize that she already had it!  God gave her the gift of motherhood and in doing so, he also equipped her with the necessary tools to champion the odds and raise her child in a safe, loving environments.  He does this for all mothers and we can be the beneficiaries of his guidance if we focus on the job of being a mother and take it seriously.

Children are life’s most precious gift.  They aren’t perfect; they may lose retainers in the garbage, torture each other, fight at school, forget homework, throw temper tantrums, break your favorite vase or just have a grumpy day, but it’s your job to affirm them, guide them and provide unconditional love.

 As a friend (Deirdra) posted on FB last night…hug your children and when you’re having a moment of stress remember that Bella Vita doesn’t mean perfect and find the beauty in the fact that you have a life with your children.