As the 13th birthday draws near I’ve noticed something...he’s starting
to be more vocal. That’s the politically correct way of saying that Number Two (our son Madison) is starting
to talk back. I noticed it a few days ago
when he questioned why I told him to called everyone to dinner when he responded "why...dinner's not even ready?!" I stopped midway in my explanation and gathered myself! Why
was I even answering him? I gave him a directive and his job
was to do what I said. No explanation needed.
More egregious is the fact that he consistently questions me when he’s
given a chore to do. My requests are followed up with statements like “I didn’t
do that,”, “why can’t ____ do it?”, or “why do I have to do it?” Mind you, the
same can be asked of my husband and he gets nothing more than a sigh. I’m constantly being told that I have to stop
being a pushover and that I’m not tough enough as a disciplinarian but in my
own defense I’m not a 6’8” dad who commands respect merely as a result of my
stature.
From time to time I even get the stare-down; a silent challenge to my
authority and when there’s an audience (the younger members of Team Edwards)
they join in.
My challenge is to gain control, limit the amount of yelling that it
takes to get this control, and yet exert a level of authority. I can’t pop my kids in the mouth every time
they talk back to me (ahhhh, many of you just screamed “LIKE HELL YOU CAN'T!!!”)
because we live in a different day and time, but looking back I can count the
number of times I talked back...two (or maybe three)! And I remember exactly where I was in my
childhood home when I got slapped square in the mouth. As a 44 year old, I’m
still afraid to smart off to my mother, even though she is paralyzed on one side
and can’t react as quickly as she used to because I have a level of respect for
her that is unwavering. Just this past Christmas, she told me to sit down and
as I was getting ready to fire off an explanation as to why I couldn’t (me
being the gracious host that I am I was focused on entertaining our guests) I
stopped. I looked at mom and said “yes ma’am,” and quickly respected her
request. Again, how times have changed.
In the words of Barney Fife (younger readers may have to Google him) I’ve gotta “nip it
in the bud,” before it spreads like cancer in our home. While I wax and wane
between humor and my genuine concern this is a serious issue. My kids see sassy characters on the shows they
watch, witness meltdowns and disrespect in public and often watch their peers
talk back in school (and I dare not blame this latest hurdle in motherhood on
the media or society although both tend to be contributing factors) but it’s no
laughing matter.
I know that finding a balance between how I react and respond and
trying to understand the root cause of why my kids talk back is important. Child psychologist suggests that talking back
is a natural inclination for children who are testing their limits. Other
research suggests that children talk back for two reasons: when things are
going their way and when things are not so good; thus the window of opportunity
for kids to break the rules as they relate to their communication is wide
open. I want my children to understand
the importance of being able to speak up, ask appropriate questions, and engage
in constructive debate because it is a skill that needs to be developed. Empoweringparents.com suggests that parents
don’t react to backtalk as it leads parents into prolonging arguments in which
they do not need to engage. Lehman (the author of the article) goes
on to say that the focus should be on accomplishing your
objectives as a parent and not so much on the fact that backtalk is often
viewed as a challenge to authority. My
challenge is figuring out how to facilitate the development of healthy, age-appropriate communication in a way that builds respect for authority. I am well
aware of the fact that my job as a parent is to get my children to follow the
rules set forth in our home but I can’t help but to acknowledge the sense of
powerlessness and frustration that my kids sometimes feel when they are trying
to express themselves and I cut them off because I know that the conversation
will lead down a sketchy road between backtalk and defending one’s position. As I scoured the internet for reasonable
discussions about this topic (mostly from licensed professionals) most of what
I found boiled down to this; the tweens and teens are very formative years and
ignoring this behavior will create a bad attitude and disposition that will
last a lifetime, thus as parents it’s our job to find a way to develop and
display health behaviors.
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| courtesy: www.picsbox.biz |
I want to empower my kids but I also want to maintain my power at home.
Some say that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but I’m hoping this doesn’t
apply to children because in my experience, a snide, disrespectful teen has the
potential to become a pretentious, mouthy and sarcastic adult.
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