Leave the Olympians Alone...Hair, Finances and All!

Ok, let me begin by saying that yes, I've talked about weaves! I've even talk about my own weave and a few hours ago, because mine was looking busted, I took it out.   However, when it comes to kids…they’re off limits.


I’m glad that Gabby’s mother spoke up and defended her daughter after a popular fashion website berated the gold-medal trailblazer because of her hairstyle.  In the words of Gabby’s mom [to paraphrase] “What does her hair have to do with anything?  She’s broken several records and she’s worked tirelessly to represent her country and has done well?!”  Her mom went on to say that the child has been training and living in Iowa and that there are no black stylists (or stylists that can work with ‘our’ hair) in that area. 


However, I do have a different perspective to offer.  I have some personal insight into the life of a gymnast because I was one for about 8 years and for much of my gymnastics career I sported a Jheri Curl!  YES and YUCK!!!! A greasy, stinky when sweaty Jheri Curl.  However, during competitions my mom would slick that sucker back with that brown gel, put it in a pony tail and top it off with a scrunchie that usually matched my leotard.  My mom was always there making sure I look polished before meets and even during some meets was there to keep me looking my best.  In Gabby’s case, her mom is not allowed in the Olympic Village and can’t be ‘hands-on’ but  quite possibly, as a mom, she could have taken steps to make sure Gabby looked her best before departing for London. 

                                   Then: Wet adn Wild Jheri Curl                  Now: Relaxed & Slicked Back

With regard to how the media has attacked Gabby as well as other athletes, I think it stinks.  Truthfully, those representing us at the 30^th Olympic Games have some of the same problems that you and I face…foreclosures, bankruptcies and yes, bad weaves.  But once every four years, athletes young and old put everything they have on the line to represent this country in the greatest international sporting event.  I have been glued to the television since the opening ceremonies and I’ve cheered for Team USA and I’ve even cheered for others because what they all are doing is amazing. It’s disheartening to know that the U.S. media can’t find enough great stories in London and feel the need to dig up the financial records of our winning athlete’s parents or talk about a kid’s not so smooth hair. 


Lastly, as a black woman I have struggled with hair issues all my life.  I can imagine what Gabby feels every time she sees a Tweet, FB post or web article about her hair.  Even though she seems to be keeping her chin up it still has to hurt because it’s coming from people that look like her! In the black community, hair is a source of strength, criticism, brings out our insecurities and it allows us to be creative.  I’m guessing the coiff debate will go on forever, but in the meantime for all the Gabby’s out there and for all the other athletes that aren’t perfect in the media’s eyes, keep doing what you’re doing and being an example for us all!

Creating A Culture Where People Aren't Afraid To Speak Up

After a few weeks of being away from the mass media and consumed with other personal things I returned to reality, only to find the media clutter with more shootings, a horrific midnight theater massacre and the demise of a storied football and academic program. Even the Jackson Family feud got me thinking about something the president of the NCAA said as he announced the sanctions against Penn State, "We need to create a culture where people aren't afraid to speak up."



Those words couldn't hold more weight. We live in a world where the status quo is acceptable and/or seldom challenged; where we see wrong being done on a regular basis and stand silent and in other instances remain voiceless because we’re are forced to be silent for survival sake. I too may be guilt of being afraid to speak up because the culture in which I live or work isn't always conducive to voicing my opinion or even stating the obvious. At times it is hard to state the facts. As a communications professor, I know firsthand that it is the appropriate mix of verbal’s, non-verbal cues, empathy, correct information and the right constructs that make delivering information to others worthy. However, as I look deeper into what one really means when they say creating a culture where people aren't afraid to speak up, what is being suggested is that there is a level of accountability, respect and concern for self and others that motivates each of us to speak up when the situation calls for us to.


We can't continue to notice signs and ignore them. We can't sweep unethical behavior under the rug because of the individual who may be committing the unethical act. We can’t allow those around us whom we claim to love make reckless decisions without offering compassionate and constructive criticism of their actions.  It is heart wrenching to see so many young men hurt by one trusting coach; devastating to see an entire national perplexed by the deadly actions of one loner; painful to see three children thrust into the limelight at the center of a family feud; hurtful to see lives lost each day in urban cities where no one is willing to speak up; horrible to see unethical hiring practices and misuse of funds in school systems (right here in my own state of Delaware)…the list goes on. In many if not all of these examples there is someone who is turning a blind eye to what is going on, which increases the chances of more people being hurt. 



We shouldn’t think of ourselves as rats, feminists, activists or vigilantes if we speak up to right the wrong.  When we speak up against things that are immoral or unethical, we are doing what is biblical right and we are showing others true character and the strength of our faith and respect for mankind.



Let’s us all do our part to create a culture where we can have our voices heard.

UGH...Forced to Co-Sleep!

Usually, I'm writing to share advice or I'm reflecting on things that happen in the world, my community or in my family. Today, I'm screaming for help! I'm being forced to co-sleep and don't know what to do.


Our so-to-be three year old never had a problem sleeping. He has always been a willing nap-taker and went to bed around the same time every night with a story and a gentle tuck in. Within the last six months things have changed.


He tries to 'hang with the big boys' fighting bedtime until we are at the point of forcing him into his room. He wakes up anywhere between midnight and 3 a.m. (hence the reason I'm up at 4:18 a.m. blogging) banging on his door, kicking and screaming and yelling for mommy and daddy. In the past, I've tried the ‘stare-down’ method of coaxing him back to sleep. This is when I stand in the doorway with arms crossed and I stare at him. He will usually play peak-a-boo with the covers, leading me to laugh at his cute antics after which time I compose myself and resume my angry stare. Eventually, he'll get tired of playing and trying to out-stare me and fall off to sleep.                                  

My husband has tried the 'angry walk down the hall' method, in which he storms down the hallway yelling to the top of his lungs "Josh...Go to bed, you don't want me to come in there!". Most of the time this works and Josh will cry himself back to sleep.


Here lately, for the sake of others sleeping in the house, we've resolved to leave his door cracked so that when he does wake up in the middle of the night he can come into our room and climb in the bed with us.  However, this is definitely a problem. Last night he 'cover-bullied' his 6'7 father and demanded that he move over and stop snatching the covers. He also spends about 10 minutes getting comfortable, going back and forth between my husband’s arms and mine, playing with our ears and whispering. 


I am tired of waking up with feet in my face, drool on my pillow and the vapors from his hot little body sucking up the cool air in our room. Tonight, I tried a different tactic (which isn't going to last either) co-sleeping with him. After a few bouts of screaming he made his way down the hall and got into our bed. I laid there and watched as he fell back to sleep, at which time I picked him up and returned him to his own bed. As soon as his little head touched the pillow he began to scream "No mommy no!" I went back to my room and got a blanket and pillow and return to Josh's room to sleep on the floor.


I want to break his disruptive sleep habits during the summer so that we can have smooth sailing when our house shuts down at 9:00 p.m. during the school years.


If you've got some answers in box me! In the meantime, I'm off to Wal-Mart to buy ear plugs and a new lock for my bedroom door!

Surviving Summer

Summer has officially started with whopping 90 degree temperatures across the great first state.  According to my husband, it was too hot to go to our pool (it’s new and they have no umbrellas and only two pool chairs), the AC couldn’t cool the house fast enough and while I was at work battling a leaky ceiling, he had to find a way to entertain our children.  So the first day of summer was billed as a movie day complete with a Delaware treat, Rita’s water ice.

For the next 90 days or so, while the boys of summer are hitting the mounds, while beaches and amusement parks are packed with families and field-trippers, you may be pulling your hair out.  I am one of those people who tend to dread summer vacation.  I guess it’s a combination of the thought of trying to entertain four children, the spike in gas prices, long drives to the end of nowhere and the fact that every other year, our family makes the trek to Orlando to visit the great mouse.  To heighten my anxiety, the Disney trip is ‘sponsored’ by my mother-in-law whose rules of engagement on vacation are a bit different from mine. 

Over the years, I’ve learned to relax a bit more and take things in stride, but a level of stress still exists as we secretly pack and plan for the bi-annual trip to Florida.  I can recall my first trip with what are now my in-laws.  My sons were 2 and 4 and my husband and I were not engaged so I truly didn’t have any say so as it related to day-to-day activities.  I remember the children being restless as the family made its way through various Disney parks, a great deal of structure in the condo and a vacation that from my perspective wasn’t child friendly.  Needless to say, as soon as I was able to get an Internet connection, I found a flight back to Washington, and parted ways.

Our first vacation after marriage was a bit different.  Our children’s god parents and their children ventured to Florida with us.  The adults were outnumbered and we had no choice but to focus on entertaining our children, ranging in ages one to 13.  I felt comfortable making it clear that I didn’t see the need to drag our children to amusement parks everyday and that with the exception of the one day in which tickets had already been purchased (we split up into two group and took the smaller children to the Magic Kingdom and the husbands and the boys went to Universal Studios) we would allow the children to decide what they wanted to do.  We weren’t on a Disney honeymoon…we were there with our kids and in my mind; their idea of fun should prevail.  There were moments when my husband felt as if he was being pulled in too many directions at one time, but overall, I think the vacation was a success.

In true Edwards’ fashion, we have not told our children when or where we’re going on vacation this year.  We learned our lesson a few years ago and sadly enough had to disappoint our children when we suddenly had to cancel the trip.  This year, however, my husband and I did sit down and debrief about our previous trip to Florida, making notes of the things that worked and the things that we should forever trash in terms of our vacation planning.  Each child has their own digital device that plays videos, music, games, etc., we plan to effectively utilize the space in our truck and have chosen to move Tyler to the third row (for some reason this has created a sense of independence in her and she no longer ‘bothers’ us while driving), and we won’t over pack in terms of food and clothing).

These are a few things that we hope will work as we prepare for this year’s summer vacation.  As we transition from the academic year to summer festivities, we try to effectively incorporate ‘downtime’  and plan outings that will lead to great memories.  You may or may not have a strategy for managing summer stress, but fortunately, a wonderful Soror and friend, Nancy Barbour, shared these summer survival tips from Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm (http://celebratecalm.com/):

Summer Survival Tips

1) Create order and structure that is settling.
Develop three simple traditions that you keep every day, throughout the day, no matter where you are...to replace the settling nature of school routines.

Use the "Choices and Promises" discipline tool so kids learn to make choices and own their consequences. Make your promises concrete. Don't just say, "Oh, we'll do that later." Say no upfront if you can't do it. Or tell kids a specific time so they can plan.

Give kids ownership by asking them to plan activities for the week. Continually reset expectations to minimize surprises. Plan downtime and keep to it. Take time for yourself. If you are worn out and overwhelmed, you'll snap and be impatient.

2) Stimulate your child's brain and meet sensory needs.
Begin the day with exercise. The more vigorous, the better. Swimming is great because it wears (some) kids out and meets sensory needs. Have a treasure hunt outside.

Give kids very purposeful missions and responsibilities--keep their brains engaged. Have another adult give them jobs. Volunteer, start a business, sell lemonade. Expect them to act like grown-ups. Praise more than you punish.

Small snacks throughout the day, especially protein (trail mix, almonds, nuts), will regulate blood sugar levels and keep everyone more balanced. Say NO to sugar, food dyes, soda, juices and junk candy. Drink water. It saves lots of money, too!

3) Teach your kids how to control themselves.
Have your kids earn spending money and establish a reasonable budget BEFORE your trip. Put each child's money in an envelope so it's concrete and finite. On the first day, when they want to blow $35 on a souvenir, show them they only have $15 left. Walking away shows self-control.

Stop being the referee when kids squabble. "After all I do for you...you have video games and toys you never even play with...that I never even dreamed of having as a kid...and you can't even get along for 20 minutes. Go to your rooms! Now!" Here's the truth. If you don't use summer time to teach your kids how to exercise self-respect, self-control and resolve conflict, your kids will grow up unable to handle conflict...and replicate the shallow, fear-drive marriages most couples endure. Show them how.

Plan for things to go wrong. It rains. The lines are too long. A ride is closed. If we grab an upset child's arm and yell, "You are not going on ANY more rides if you don't shape up right now!" we will escalate the situation and make life miserable. Do you have a calming routine already planned out as the leader? Have you practiced it?

As Kirk says, you should enjoy this time with your children and be able to manage life with your children when things don’t go as planned without losing your cool!  Now get off the computer and got make memories!

Giving my Husband a Break

For the last two years or so, Micah has been more than a bread-winner and head of household; he's assumed the role of a stay-at-home dad. As a result of a work injury during the blizzard of January 2009 which unfortunately lead to his early retirement as a firefighter/EMT, Micah found himself at home doing both mommy and daddy duty as I navigated semester teaching overloads, my quest for tenure and other work obligations.

Oddly enough, the injury came at the perfect time, if that can be said, because shortly after that, he gained full custody of #2 (affectionately called that because of birth order) and it would have been almost impossible for me to manage the entire household, work and school schedules while he was on his shifts at the fire department two states away.

So today, like many moms, Micah had a moment! However, I realized that he handled it differently than most mothers would have. Instead of Micah strapping that superman cape on tighter, hoisting the screaming toddler up on his hip and using the free hand and feet to continue unloading the car, cleaning and trying to watch the other children as they played in the cul-de-sac; he asked for help! He said and I quote "When are you going to be finished what you're doing?! I've been with the kids, it seems 24/7 and I need a break right now."

At that moment, I stopped what I was doing and took over. In all honesty, Micah was right. Now that the roles have reversed, he is home with the children more and he does a wonderful job at wearing my hat and his as a father, but I have to admit that I've taken it for granted. Coming home from work with children fed and bathed, homework done and laundry folded and put away has been a blessing. I even find myself going right to the office to pick up where left off on campus because everything that needs to be done in the home is complete.

Fortunately, our role reversal is not a direct result of economic hardships that many families are facing but it goes without saying that dads are taking over at home and it's a good thing, especially as far as our children are concerned. I know for a fact that our own children are reaping the benefits of having their dad at home more. There is strength in their relationships that I know I didn't have as a kid growing up because my father worked so much. There is a level of respect that Micah has because our children actually see him at work every day in our home and because he runs such a tight ship, there are very few disciplinary issues to contend with.

Micah does work in the school system as a special education substitute and has been strongly considering returning to school to earn his PhD. Micah has been amazing through this transition. Definitely not perfect, but he has brought so much balance, security and peace to our home by graciously accepting the situation and making the most of it for all of us. I think that he has proven that the sky is the limit regardless of what your situation may be.

So tonight Micah, (even though you don't read my blog...shame on you) I send much love your way and want you to know that I am so thankful for all that you do and will continue to do for our family.

For my readers, I leave you with this. Whether you're a SAHM or a working mom, when you need help...follow Micah's lead and ask for help. Don't beat around the bush either. Be direct and let your husband or partner know that it's time for you to tap out so that when you tap back in you can give it your all.

Until next time.

After writing this entry, I checked my email and this popped up on AOL!  Hmmmm...

"Are Dads the New Moms?"  Interesting read.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304451104577392261536405038.html

Words from a Women with a PhD

Let me begin by saying that I didn’t seek a terminal degree (what those of us in academia call a PhD) for mercenary motives, ego gratification, or the desire to be taken more seriously by others.  Albeit for me to say that those reasons may be the driving force behind some who are in pursuit of that prestigious honor.  While the endless hours spent researching, being humbled by tenured faculty mentors and the drudgery of data analysis often felt crippling to me, my ultimate goal was the become more intellectually engaged and to be able to be more critically sophisticated in the study of communications in which I endeavored.

That brings me to my soapbox for this blog entry.  And yes, I’m calling it a soap box, because since 2007 when I graduated with my PhD from the “Mecca” (Howard University), I’ve had to defend my choice to dedicate seven years of my life to academic studies which many believed (and probably still do) to have no true payoff, other than allowing me to have my summers off as a college professor.

A few weeks ago, I watched HBO 24/7: Mayweather vs Cotto, a reality/documentary, and there were a number of comments about the fact that Cotto’s training had a doctorate.  In fact, Mayweather’s uncle said in the episode that Dr. Diaz was going to have to sew Cotto’s  a*# up after the fight.  I’d beg to say that Roger Mayweather doesn’t know what kind of ‘doctor’ Diaz is and really doesn’t care, but was clear in making the point that his type of education wasn’t going to be what allowed Cotto to win in the ring.  By now you know…Cotto didn’t win the fight, but that doesn’t make Dr. Luis Diaz’s PhD in Pedagogical Sciences any less important.  Believe me, there is great value in studying the science of learning and teaching learning from a number of perspectives.  My hope is that Cotto sticks with his professor/boxing training and allows him to better develop his own skills as a coach.  For me, there’s something about a mixed approach (scientific know-how and years of experiences) that makes us better at what we do in life. 

Fast forward this past Saturday.  While watching the NBA playoffs I sat there listening to Charles Barkley take shots at Shaquille O’Neal who was awarded his PhD in Organizational Learning and Leadership from Barry University.  Contrary to what Mr. Barkley had to say, my search of news stories revealed that Dr. O’Neal did indeed spend the last 4 ½ years working through the degree program and earned a 3.8 GPA.  While accommodations were made for him (professors would fly to him at various locations and hold one-on-one classes or video conferencing was used) the degree is valid and he is worthy of congratulatory honors for his dedication and commitment to academic excellence.  The way Dr. O’Neal got through schools is pretty much the same way I did.  The only exception was that professor’s weren’t flying around the country to meet me; I was spending long hours in their homes, writing, re-writing, being lectured to and of course being mentored.   Shaq said in a television interview that his mother always stressed the importance of education and that he knew at an early age that his education was never finished and that you’re always learning.  So while, Shaq’s peers are bestowed honorary degrees, he can hold his head proud and say that he worked hard and truly earned his position among the ranks of those assumed to have the highest intellectual capital.

So let me leave you with this.  Dr. Luis Diaz and Dr. Shaquille O’Neal are not frauds like that guy Shereé from the Housewives of Atlanta was dating.  They, like thousands of others who hold PhD’s from accredited universities, have worked long and hard to earn the right to be called doctor.  So the next time you decide to take a shot as someone with those endearing three letters behind their name or choose to question their credentials think twice!

No Critical Thinking Skills or Good Judgment

This blog entry may be long but parents, educators and mentors I believe it is worth reading.

Over the last few days, I’ve had many encounters with young people wrought with frustration (mostly because they haven’t done the things they were tasked with doing in previous weeks) but I have tolerated them as they unload their not so original excuses; everything from car trouble, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, Internet outages to conflicts between work and other schedules. I even had a student who thought by telling me that they were out of school for a week with asthma issues and pneumonia (I was out of work for three weeks with pneumonia), that I’d have more empathy for them. My response was “while I was on breathing treatments four times a day, barely able to eat and exhausted from the medications, I wasn’t on life support and I managed to keep my boss abreast of my situation, found a substitute for my face-to-face courses and still managed my two online classes.” All the student could do was to look me in the face and move on to the next excuse.

In another situation, I found it troubling that an individual could take the time to pen a page and a half email (which I’m sure took about 20 minutes) but couldn’t find the time the previous day to do an assigned task that would have taken equal or lesser time. This same individual chose to throw me under the bus per se by copying several other individuals on the email. I guess this was a way to “put me on notice”, that I was being put on notice….to that I said, let the paper trail begin, I’m an excellent record keeper and rest assured, I have all of my emails (especially the excuses) saved in my outlook in a folder with your name on it.

Another teaching moment for me was this: don’t schedule anything on April 20^th or as it’s said in youth culture “four-twenty”. For those of you who didn’t know, that is an underground holiday in which students on college campuses across this country pay homage to marijuana. I had secretly heard about this, but asked the student who scheduled and no-showed for two meetings prior to “four-twenty” if he was going to show up and the individual was adamant about making the appointment before taking part in the festivities. On four-twenty, I sat in my office for two hours. Waiting. Of course, my time was utilized wisely. I even took time out to shoot the individual a scathing email to which they responded…three days later. 

Perhaps the most jaw-dropping incident of all was this next account. This particular individual had literally been on my couch “woe is me-ing it” for an entire class period. After a brief pep talk and the tears dried up, I went out on a limb and re-purposed their awful work. (I call it re-purposing because I took what was there and made something new and acceptable out of the muck and mire). I then gave the individual clear, written instructions, a script of sorts, so that they could properly executive this production. The person called me a few days later anxious and frustrated because I apparently left an extra slide in their PowerPoint presentation. The conversation went something like this:

Student

“Dr. Edwards, you said you were going to take that slide out but it’s still in.”

Me

“Are you serious? Are you kidding me?” You sat there watching me do your work, you were texting, trying to talk to me about some damn 2 Pac Hologram and you don’t have the gumption to figure out on your own how to delete one extra PowerPoint slide then click save! You need to figure it out!”

Needless to say, by the time I had the encounter with PowerPoint Patty, I was at the end of my rope. You may have chuckled a few times reading this. You may have even recounted your own situations where SMH was the only response. But it’s much more serious. Here my scholarly breakdown of how serious it is and the dreadful repercussions that many of today’s young people may face if they don’t get some critical thinking skills or begin to exercise good judgment.

In scenario #1what, the individual fails to realize that trying to play on someone’s emotions wears thin after the second or third attempt to deploy this as a tactic. I have spent the last four years listening to excuses from this particular individual and have caught them in so many lies that I could just gouge my eyes out. What they fail to realize is that once your bluff has been called, there you stand, naked and exposed for all to see. People won’t stay it to your face, but they view you as a fraud, unworthy…they see you for who you really are. 

With regard to my email-yielding scholar, try copying your bosses boss on an email and watch what happens. You’ll be bounced out of the door on your ‘at-will’ employed behind quicker than you can hit the send button. What some young minds fail to realize is the importance of something called hierarchy and protocol. While the scalar chain of command is something reminiscent of early management theories and has been replaced by more open and lateral leadership, in some environments, following protocol and respecting the hierarchical chain of command is still an unspoken rule. In some instances, firing may not be the result, but when you try to discredit someone with more academic knowledge, credibility and life experience than you, in the end your contribute to you own demise.

The “four-twenty” situation just confirmed the fact that the millennial’s have their priorities are all wrong. Emphasis on current trends, social lives, getting weaves done and finding financial resources to get the in next ‘in’ gadget, etc. are how many of today’s twenty-something’s spend their time. In a non-scientific poll of students who came into my office over a week’s period, about 3 in 15 students had a short- and a long-term plan that included emphasis on furthering their education, career goals and life after college. While many of them knew they needed to get the gears in motion, they just didn’t know how! Surprisingly enough, most of them have access to career services, advising and mentorship, free of charge.

The last situation made me realize that even though many of today’s youth don’t come from privileged families that they somehow adopted elitist, entitled attitude. The individual references earlier in the blog showed little appreciation for the fact that an entire project was completed for them on someone else’s time, but demanded even more by requesting that I correct the error that “I” made on their project! I’m constantly being told in the academic environment in which I work that we basically work for them and although not directly stated, many of the young people I work with expect you to jump when they say jump. I’ve heard students cursing out grandparents, who are paying for college tuition on fixed incomes, I have mediated an argument between a faculty member and an irate student and I’ve overheard students threatening legal action, just because they believe they are entitled to do so. In many instances, there is no effort to look inward before making demands or pointing the finger of blame at someone else.

While much of my life is made whole because of what I do as an educator, I am extremely frustrated at the fact that somehow, somewhere, someone lost sight of what really matters in life and forgot to pass that insight down from generation to generation. A generation of unconscious, non-goal seeking, self-centered youth stand before us and we are assuming that they will be ready to take the helm and run our churches, schools, corporations and this country. Today’s youth lack common sense, critical thinking skills and definitely lack the ability to exercise good judgment.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the actions of some of today’s young adults amount to moral turpitude but I will say that it is a crime that many of them don’t care about their own intellectual short-comings and even worse don’t seem to want to do anything about it. While the tone of this blog may be sobering, I believe there is some hope. I don’t plan to give up. I’m going to stay in the trenches, give tough love and try to do my best as a mentor and educator. For those of you who are as passionate as I am about helping to groom the next generation of leaders; I urge you to continue to good fight.