A New Narrative for 2012

I've pondered what to write about as I close out this year.  Resolutions aren't my thing, neither are clichés, so for a moment I was at a loss.  Thanks to a wonderful sister-friend Sybil Bowick, who sent me a link to a video, I have written the following:

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When the movie For Colored Girls came out in 2010, I remember my sister Brenda saying that one thing she got from the movie was that every day we make choices; and when we make choices that give other people in our lives power we cannot blame anyone but ourselves.  For the duration of 2010 and 2011, I kept this in my left cerebrum and retrieved it often. 

Not that I haven't been a serious and critical thinker all my life, but in the last few years, I have found that thoroughly thinking through my choices and how they will benefit or hinder me (and do the same for others) has enriched my life ten-fold.  Probably, one of the most significant benefits of implementing a different way of thinking is the fact that my self-esteem and the value that I see in the person that I have grown to become have also been strengthened.

For many of us, we journey through life pointing the finger of blame at everyone around us because of our failures, inability to conquer obstacles and revelation that after years we have not accomplished anything on our goals or bucket list.

As women, the discourse surrounding who we are and what we should be is so deeply rooted in stereotypes that we let these things stagnate us.  Instead of rising above, we tend to fall in line and march with all of the other female soldiers. For example, we go like the Energizer Bunny because we do not feel like we can retire the Superman cape. We overcompensate because we feel guilty about being working moms.  We over accessorize and load up on foundation and the latest MAC cosmetics because the world says that is what makes us beautiful and sexy.  We do other duties as assigned at work (while some of our male colleagues won’t) and somehow we figure out how to make it work and still be at soccer, football, basketball and piano lessons on time!  Guilty as charged!

In the video that I referenced at the beginning of this blog, the author, Ariana Proehl speaks about the Death of the Single Black Woman Narrative. My charge to you, as hers was in the video, is to create a new narrative for 2012.  One in which the world sees you putting yourself first. A narrative in which others see you making decisions that benefit you and that are empowering.  A narrative that allows you to rip off that Superman cape and scream to the top of your lungs for help when you need it; a narrative that encourages others to look at women from an open, respectful, objective and ethical perspective; and narrative that forces people to see you as an individual.  A narrative of this nature may seem selfish, but when we take care of ourselves first, then and only then can we put our best foot forward in terms of taking care of others.  At the end of the day, as wives and mothers, that is the job that we have committed ourselves to, thus we must make the investment to do it well.  The investment starts at home.

While what I have written screams of psychoanalytic feminist thought, I do not profess to follow any fundamental feminist theories, but as a social scientist by trade, I do embrace the idea of empowerment, respect and social change.

This year, should be one in which your life is better than before because you choose to make it that way.  2012 should be filled with moments of smelling the flowers, taking time out for YOU, laughing when you can’t do anything else, crying when you need to, and sometimes just sitting in silent thought (oops, I couldn’t escape the clichés).

It is not going to be an easy journey…if God made it so, we wouldn’t have faith, but take one day and a time and make 2012 the best year ever.

 PS:  Check out Ariana Proehl's Youtube Post

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFYtkJfphOQ&feature=email

When Life Isn't Fair

Me and my #2 son Madison

My son recently auditioned for his first school play. For five days, we listened to him practice his lines and sing one of the songs from Alice in Wonderland...the Musical. He was pretty excited about the opportunity to audition even though I talked him down from auditioning for the part of the Mad Hatter because of the magnitude of that role.

Audition day arrives and the pods in the school were filled with students ready to audition. Luckily enough, Madison had an early audition time, so he only had to wait about 2 hours. On the ride home, he said that he felt good about his audition, even though his voice was low during some of the speaking parts.


The follow Monday when the cast was posted Madison's name was nowhere to be found. Although he wasn’t sad about not making the cut, one thing that he was puzzled about was the fact that the musical director and ever teacher that had a child audition for the play made it.  The musical director’s daughter even captured the lead role! Madison did not recognize this as being ‘unfair’ but I certainly did.

My first impulse was to call the principal and just inquire about this, as Madison told me that during the play orientation students were told that just because kids auditioning had parents that worked at the school didn’t guarantee them a part in the play. My husband interjected and told me that although it wasn’t fair that this is indeed how life is.  He went further to say how our son’s always get to play the entire basketball games, as their dad is the coach.  This was an eye-opener, as I never really thought about how other parents on the basketball teams must feel, seeing our son’s play entire games while their children ride the bench or get limited playing time.

It seems as if we can deal with life being unfair, until that hand is dealt to our own kids.  After much reflection and discussion with other parents, no phone call was made, but I sat down with Madison and told him that sometimes in life what may be unfair to others, whether it is by way of nepotism or long-standing friendships may have its benefits to the individual on the receiving end of the opportunity granted.  I told him that in my life I’ve been the beneficiary of some of these gifts; every job that I’ve ever gotten has been because of a dear friend’s reference or by way of them having inside knowledge of a job opportunity.  To those friends, Joy Arnold Russell, Patricia Smith, and Tracey McLeod I say thank you.

And so…instead of looking at some of life’s little moments as not being fair maybe we should look at them as platforms from which our hopes for success and accomplishment of our personal goals continue to spring eternal.

The Mitten Tree

Every since Black Friday, I’ve been in the holiday spirit.  I like going out in the wee hours of the morning (even though I rarely purchase anything) just to people-watch.  It’s amazing to see the strategic game faces, the lack of patience, frustration, excitement and anxiety.  Emotions that result from the desire to purchase the ‘perfect gift’ that will probably have a 24 hour lifespan, be thrown in a closet or re-gifted.

One face (or the faces) that we never get to see are those made brighter when we drop a toy in the Toys for Tots Box at a local retailer or take a mitten off a Mitten Tree in a mall, on campus, at church or drug store.  I don’t think I’ve passed up a mitten tree this season.  I took a mitten from Wal-Mart and purchased a doll, I clipped mittens to the tree in the lobby at Del Tech, I took several mittens from the tree at church (so that each of the kids could give a gift), and I took toys to this month’s sorority meeting for the annual holiday party. 

Each time I’ve taken a mitten, I’ve stared blankly at the tree wondering what that particular family would do on Christmas morning had it not been for the respective organizations and their willingness to solicit gifts, especially during a season in which many are facing financial hardships themselves.  I wonder how the family member felt when asked to write down what they wanted for Christmas (on one tree there were nothing but necessities listed on the mittens…diapers, bottles, gloves, socks and underwear; no toys at all).  I even thought about those individuals who would probably work tirelessly to wrap and deliver all the gifts, knowing all too well that when it comes to the hard work of a true community servant, sometimes you are in the trenches alone.

I reflected on the fact that this seasons, whether it be through Delta Sigma Theta, student organizations on campus which I advise, church or pageantry, that I seem to have more opportunities than ever to serve and to give back.  Which lead me to another thought; what happens when this season has come and gone?  What happens when there are no more mitten trees?  Will those individuals who are so thought about during Christmas fade away until it is once again time to hang tinsel and adorn another tree with mittens?

I am so thankful for all that I have and all that I am able to give, but I’m most humbled at the fact that I carry a mitten tree in my heart year-round. 

Take a mitten or two
Make a holiday wish come true.

Bake an extra batch of cookies

One for home and one to share.

Tip the postal worker and the trash guy

Just to show them that you care.

Take a mitten or two

And warm someone else’s heart.

Be a secret angel

As Christ did on the cross.

Take a mitten or two

But don’t just share this month.

Make a commitment to give all year long

And continually share love and warmth.


Merry CHRISTmas!

Who's Watching "Reed Between the Lines"

BET's Reed Between the Lines is a comedy about a modern-day blended family and their attempt to navigate life’s ups and downs with wit and humor (bet.com).  I may be a bit bias as an 11 year veteran of BET's awarding-winning series Teen Summit, but this show is a must see for families, but that may be a challenge in itself. 

Reed Between the Lines airs on Tuesday's at 10:00 p.m.  I don't know about you, but in my house it's lights out by 8:30 p.m. for the little ones and the older kids turn in around 9:00 p.m.  In an attempt to create family programming that can once again be watched by entire families, BET scores big but loses when it comes to scheduling of this show.  Who knows...maybe this family show wasn't really created for family viewing - - that's why it's on at 10:00 p.m.  or maybe it was more important for those in the central time zone to be able to view it with their families.  My point is that this is a show that deserves a chance in a prime time, family slot.

I'm a realist and know that TV shouldn't be a place for us to find role models or examples of what families 'should/shouldn't' be but the fact of the matter is that art does imitate life and shows like Reed Between the Lines can offer valuable talk and teaching moments so it should be on during a time where families can view together.

I like the show and the concept (although some have criticized the acting) but for me it's the principle and purpose behind the show that's important.   Television has and always will be an important part of my life and while my consumption habits have changed as a result of becoming a parent, I value the moments when I can sit down and comfortably watch a program with my entire family.


BET...just something to think about.

An Open Letter To Cancer

Once again, you've come from an unknown place and planted yourself in a vessel that is so cherished and loved by many. You've shaken a strong soul but she remains resilient and is as giving, helpful and as focused as ever. You cause some around her to whisper and wonder, while others are forthright with their prayers and kind words. Your impact is like a rock skipping on a pond…everyone can see the widening impact of your sneaky blow. 

My heart aches every time someone close to me is diagnosed.  I even panic when friends have close calls with you.  A biopsy here, a sonogram or two; you cause so much stress there’s no justice for what you do.  You even tried to sneak up on me but it was a lost cause.  For days, after one of your growths was removed, I had to stop and pause.  I asked myself, what if it was, what would I do? Would I lose my hair? Would treatments leave me sick and blue? While I’m left with only a scar others have to face a lifetime of emptiness because of what you do.

You are like a mythical shape-shifter…you come in many forms. You have no regard for age, race, creed or gender; your wrath is like a deadly storm.  Oh Cancer, you took my father, uncle and even weakened my mother.  You’re wreaking havoc in the life of my co-worker, friends, their loved-ones and millions of others. 

No one likes you Cancer.  We don’t know why you hurt the most precious people - - so valued and full of worth.  Why can’t you find a hole to rot in or even better fall off the face of the earth.  No one would miss you; in fact the world would be a better place.  It’s time for you to go Cancer; you’re taking up too much space.

We’ll continue to fight the good fight, with our walks, marathons, galas and most importantly our research. We may not have a cure and we don’t know when or where you’ll strike next, but one thing that we do know is that you can’t conquer our prayer, love and the mighty spirit that wants to continue the good fight against you.

Cancer…you will not win. 

Rest in peace to all of those who fought the good fight until the end; prayers to those survivors and strengthen and support to those who are beginning this uncertain journey.

Reflections on a Bike Ride

Instead of our usual daily three-mile run, we decided to bike.  As my husband mounted his racing bike dressed in his bikeline.com gear, I put on one of the boys bike helmets and nervously got on the Schwinn (used to running and pushing the Schwinn stroller instead so this was way out of my comfort zone).

I was extremely fearful of falling off the bike, not being able to adjust to gears, etc. but as we headed out onto route 13 my thoughts quickly shifted.  I paced myself and just as I do when I run, I begin the think and reflect. 

My fear of riding a bike was minimal compared to the fear that this nation felt ten years ago when we all were shaken by the greatest terrorist attack in this country’s history. 

As I pushed ahead and winced at all of the road-kill along the bike route, I thought about the innocent people and soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq; senseless deaths as the result of road-side bombings, military attacks, and outright rebellion.

I took a drink break and thought about the children in Haiti who still don’t have access to clean drinking water and the people in Pennsylvania for which a state of emergency has been declared because of flooding that was far worse than that brought on by Hurricane Irene.

As I rode past the local fresh food market I thought about the families in this area who don’t know where their next meal is coming from and all of the children that benefit from the school snack fund.

As I crossed Route 13 I passed a family of strangers sitting on the porch and reflected on the fact that every day we pass strangers who need a friend or a helping hand.

As I struggled to bike up the hill, I thought about folks who struggle to get up every morning because they don’t have the will to live or those who struggle just to live paycheck-to-paycheck.

As I rode further up Route 13 and Mary Mary’s God in Me blared in my headphones, I wished that everyone had a bit more God in them.

Making the push to ride the last mile back to the house was hard, but Dave Hollister’s Striving came on (God is an expert when it comes to timing).  We gotta keep moving no matter what the obstacle, no matter what the test. We gotta push through it…He’s got His angles watching over me, interceding for me, looking out for me…keep on, keep on striving.

Keep striving my friends, to be a better person, to love harder, to work smarter to love the life you have, even thought it not perfect and regardless of how you’re feeling in the moment, promise yourself  to never forget that you are hear for a reason.

PS:       Biking and reflecting…great experience.  Biking after a Brazilian…not so good! 

The Ugly Secret on College Campuses

As a college professor (going into my 12^th year) not a semester goes by in which a young woman doesn’t come to me with the heart wrenching story of acquaintance rape or dating violence.  In semester’s past, I’ve begged students to at least seek counseling if they were resolved to keeping this a secret. In many of the instances, these enterprising young ladies, have their spirits broken by men that they have to attend classes with, eat with, share social space with and even have to deal with some of these guys harassing them to make sure they keep this dirty little secret.

Today was my breaking point. An individual came to me in tears and shared such a graphic story that I almost vomited.  What sickened me wasn’t necessarily her account of what amounted to a gang rape but the fact that by a process of elimination I could identify the perpetrators...who I will have to teach in coming semesters. I fought back tears as she sat crouched on my sofa blaming herself for being intoxicated, for not going home…for going out in the first place.  I assured her that this reckless disregard for human life was not her fault and that somehow, some way, we need to begin the healing process. 

Out of respect for this young woman, I won’t share any other details of this traumatic experience, but I will offer this.  As campus administrators, I believe we have a responsibility to make sure our students are safe, have access to counseling and support when needed, and that there is due process when appropriate.  I have vowed not to let another semester go by in which a young women pours her heart out to me and shares the gruesome details of a sexual assault.  I praise God everyday that this has not been a part of my personal lived experience as a woman but my heart has been pricked one too many times by horrific accounts of what so called guy ‘friends’ do in a moment of  “drunkenness” and extremely poor judgment.  Rape is a heinous crime and it permeates college campuses across this country.  We need to take a stand to educate our young men and young women about these life changing acts of violence which rob so many bright college students of their vigor and zest for life.  I don’t have a plan but I know something must be done - - beyond the resources that colleges and universities offer because they aren’t working. 

For those of you who walk in my same shoes, blessings as you go to campuses as mentors, mother figures, sister-friends and confidant and please share your thoughts, opinions and solutions to this hidden secret.