What are You Chasing?

As someone who’s a novice in the pageant world one thing that I’ve come to realize and appreciate are those women who find a balance when it comes to chasing the dream of becoming the new “Mrs.” and maintaining the integrity and identity that they had as a mother and wife prior to entering the pageant arena. For me, being able to have a level head and finding a balance between working to make my dreams and aspirations come true is something that has made my life’s journey so rewarding.  Not that I haven’t met with challenges or points of discouragement (like this morning when I read the reviewers comments on a research paper…UGH), but what keeps me grounded is the ‘why’ in everything that I do.  At the end of the day, I don’t meet with much defeat because in my heart, I’m coming from a perspective that is well thought out and I’m acting with good intentions.

I think that in life, we truly need to be mindful of what we’re chasing and more importantly, why we’re chasing those dreams or goals.  Whenever, I embark on a journey, whether it’s preparing a conference or research proposal, making a decision to accept a role as a member of an ad hoc or standing committee at work, or committing myself to volunteer work or church activities, I think first about what I can learn from the experience, then what my gifts and talents are that will contribute to the success of the endeavor.  Rarely is self-adulation a factor in me committing to do anything.  I think that when we function from a perspective in which our own glorification is front and center it makes it much more difficult to run the race.   And let me be real…I didn’t always practice what I’m sharing.  But as I grew in my faith (and as I continue to grow) I’ve come to realize that when we do things, whether openly for all to see or whether we work quietly behind the scenes, that being focused on pleasing God is and should be reward enough.

In the academic environment, I also see young people who don’t know what they’re chasing. I often ask my students (especially those with W’s and F’s on their transcripts) why they are in school.  Some are candid and say “because my parents told me I had to go to college.” Others painfully admit that they don’t know. To them I say, take some time to do some soul searching and really chart out a plan for your life. 

We all should be chasing something…because it’s characteristic of most human beings to want to achieve. However, many of us set out on a path with the wrong objectives and what we envision is making that Rocky Balboa like run to the top of the stairs and having everyone celebrate the fact that we’ve arrived. But what is forgotten is the Rocky Balboa-like struggle prior to the victory! 

We forget that we’ve got to do things like pay our dues, serve as an apprentice or even volunteer time.  We forget that it take long hours, months, and  sometimes even years to achieve some goals and we sell ourselves short by thinking that what we are chasing doesn’t really need to be chased after…in some instances folks just sit there with an attitude of entitlement thinking that ‘it’ will happen on its own.

I’m all for being a dream chaser!  It’s what makes the world go ‘round…people having dreams - - dreams of creating ways to improve the environment, bringing about greater equality, even coming up with the next big trend or gadget - - but really think about why and how you’re going to chase your dreams. Don’t be like a puppy aimless chasing its tail in circles.  Understand the power and motivation behind your dreams and do what’s necessary to meet with success. 

Dream on friends, dream on. 

When the soles get worn replace them…

When the soul gets worn rejuvenate it so that you can continue to chase what is truly yours. 

What is a sister?

Last Sunday, DSU’s Epsilon Alpha Chapter of Delta Sigma Theta returned to the campus after a five year suspension.  Many of the young ladies on campus never thought they’d get their opportunity to become part of such a strong, service-oriented sisterhood, but for 71 girls, their dream came true at 7:10 p.m. on April 10^th. 

Spending the day with my old and new Sorors got me to thinking.  I reflected on the 11 women I had the pleasure of crossing the burning sands with (Alfrica Edmonds, Joy Arnold-Russell, Carmelita Taylor, Jeneen Robinson, Pamela Anthony, Agnes Jones, Veronica (Ronnie) Wilson Pitts, Sherry Agnew Wilson, Lori Whitehurst (RIP), Shelia Wright, Melanie Byrd) and how important these women have become in my life.  For example, I strive to uphold my commitment to service because of my line sisters (LS) Pam and Melanie.  Because of what they’ve committed themselves to as an academician and attorney [respectively], my own commitment to others is reaffirmed.  I work every day to be a good mother and wife because of my LS Carmelita and admire how she silently soars above the clouds and makes this fulltime job with required overtime look so easy.  And I giggle every time I think about Ronnie and how she said she’d never have children and how other people’s kids used to drive her batty…but look at her now, a mother and superior educator! And I only wish I could be like Joy and step out on faith as she did to open her own business and roll with the punches when they came her way.  Those are just a few of the examples of how my sorority sisters inspire me to do my very best.  I could go on forever and pull a story about each of these ladies from pledge days but the blog would indeed become a book!

I also reflected on the relationship that two of my students (now my Sorors) have developed with each other.  I have been blessed to witness their growth and development as young women and am so proud to be able to call them my sisters.  I also know that as sisters in their own families, they already embodied the spirit of the 22 Founders of Delta Sigma Theta and just needed the opportunity to be initiated into the fold of women who have such high regard for life, self, family, equality and community so that they could do their part to make this world a little greater on a grander scale. 

The same sentiment is applied to my own sister Brenda.  I think she’s amazing.  I may not tell her every day but I think she knows it.  She is a strong mother who has weathered many storms, an independent business women and a wife who has given everything to make it work.  I love to see her laugh and let her hair down from time to time and am so blessed to have such a great big sister. 

And how my life has been made greater because of my sister-friends!  You know those ladies. The ones you’ve clicked with for one reason or another or who clicked with you and 10 or 20 years later you find yourself standing next to them in a chapel on your wedding day or road-tripping with them, or sharing all the highs and lows of life.  Well I’ve got some great ones; Nayada (we claim each other as God sisters because I know he connected us at the right time), Bianca, Sybil and I've been fortunate to meet a few more women I'm proud to call sister: Ava, Claire and Shana.  Now those are some women that I know I wouldn’t have been able to make it through life without; always there when you need them.  In my corner through thick and thin and genuinely concerned about me when I needed them most.  I love you ladies with all my heart.

On April 10^th when I got home from campus after the initiation ceremony and the step show, I went into my daughter’s room and lay next to her and my heart wept because Tyler doesn’t have a sister by birth.  I wondered to myself, if someday she’d have great sister-friends like I have.  One’s who would pay your mortgage if you were short.  Travel across the country in a flash when there was a death in the family, or tell you like it is straight with no chaser, even when you didn’t want to hear it.  I wondered if I’d be able to call my own daughter my Soror (my husband often has her throwing up a pinky and hollering Skee-Wee, but I can see the Delta twinkle her eyes) and if she’d have a life-long bond with her sorority sisters and I thought about how I could nurture her relationship with her two God sisters, Nailah and Jailyn and imagined them navigating college, relationships and careers together and I did with my own God sister.

I often hear stories of young women who are not fortunate enough to have caring sisters…whether by blood or by initiation into a sisterhood of some sort.  I am so glad that I don’t have to do this thing called life without having sisters of all kinds - - my sisters, my Sorors, my sister-friends - -you’ve made me the women I am and I am so glad to call you my sister.

Dressed for Success …Or Not?

White button up dress shirt --gaps in between every button. Tummy spilling over the waist of the skirt. The leopard skin bra is visible.  Fitted skirt, popping at the seams, just long enough to cover the control top portion of the pantyhose.   Four inch hot pink peep-toe stilettos with unpainted toes peeking out.  Giant tattoo of a rose and cross adorns the right calf.   

This is what I see on a regular basis. Young women dressed in what I call “corporate club attire”. 

We’ve had several professional events on campus over the last few weeks and I’ve witnessed or should I say I’ve been repulsed by the exposure of breast and buttocks at everything from sacred ceremonies to career fairs in which Fortune 500 recruiters have made the trek to campus in search of the best and the brightest entry level employees.

I even witnessed the celebration of over exposed breast (the young lady dressed in her corporate club outfit laughingly shook her breast as a greeting to several other scantily clad women) along with two other faculty members at which the eldest of us suggested that we [the two younger faculty members] do something about these young women and their lack of pride in self and over sexualization that they seem to embrace so openly.  I seized the opportunity to speak with the young women about her attire and to my surprise, she was receptive to my feedback, but that was one, out of what…hundreds of young women on college campuses that don’t have a clue about what is appropriate in the business world.

Upon further investigation (conversations with other faculty, mentors and students) it was revealed that many of today’s young women don’t know what proper business attire is.  To my surprise, I’ve come in contact with several female students who for the first time purchased a suit because they needed it for a ceremony and on the day of, it was clearly evident as many of them did not remove the cross stitch from the skirt or blazer they were wearing!

This may be great fodder for a Twitter or Facebook thread, but the reality is that it is sad.  What are we [meaning those of us who’ve arrived in the ‘corporate’ sense] doing to address this issues and engage in corrective measure that will enable these young women to meet with success?  Are we mentoring? Do we pull young women aside when we see an attire disaster waiting to happen?  I can honestly say that I do.  Everything from bringing suits to campus for students to wear to conferences or formal events, to talking in class about professional protocol (for both men and women) to writing this piece.   

We were blessed to have Fonzworth Bentley participate in our 7th Annual Mass Communications Day Symposium, and during his motivational talk, he touched upon what I’d like to call the essences of your professional self.   He talked about having a sense of corporate style about you; a mixture of high end consignment, to standard pieces like a traditional black suit, and how this essence needed to always shine through. 

It is a reality that a college student may have a bad hair day from time to time and that sweat pants and ones’ comfy school spirited sweat shirt may be

the order of the day but that too can be done with a sense of class and style.  Do you need to have Pink

plastered on your posterior?  In my opinion - no. 

In no way am I declaring myself a Paris runway veteran.  No red bottoms in my closet, Jeffery Campbell’s, Badgley Mischka or Hervé  Léger (a girl can dream though) but I do have a classic, yet individual style that speaks to who I am and that doesn’t raise eyebrows.  I even have a few tattoos, but Dermablend has been a friend since I got my first one nearly 20 years ago.  I’ve also had to learn some hard lessons because I wasn’t dressed for success.  I’ve had to go out and buy suits in the middle of the workday in order to attend meetings that were a part of my workplace obligation and I have missed opportunities because my attire didn’t meet the requirements of an unscheduled event at work…one of which was a visit to the White House. 

What is your essence of your professional self?  If you don’t know, maybe it’s time to think about it, especially if you are a rising star in college getting ready to graduate to the dog-eat-dog corporate world.  As an educator, you know that I think one’s academic savvy is what matters most, but as the realist who’s been successful in the entertainment industry, corporate and government sectors, I know firsthand that image is EVERYTHING.  Don’t get me wrong…some students are getting it right.  There’s a sense of style that permeates everything they do.  I applaud those students and know that they have a mindset that will lead to much success after college and beyond.

Before you let it all hang out and glam it up with some not so appropriate footwear or that favorite top with the plunging neckline, think about the impression other may take away from your appearance, think about the unknown opportunities for schmoozing or networking that may be presented on a daily basis and lastly think about how you actually feel when you do dress for success. 

Through the Fire

Earlier this week, seven children were lost in a devastating fire while their mother milked cows in a nearby barn and the father headed off to work on his regular delivery route.  It probably began as a routine evening for the family in the quaint town of Blain, Pennsylvania, but what happened that evening will forever change their lives.

I believe each of us has had a moment in life where we ask God why and this is no different.  However, my thoughts of why turned to those of amazement as I pondered what God has in store for the three year old who survived this horrific blaze.  God must have a mighty plan for the small soul who managed to run from the home, to the barn and tell her mother that she smelled smoke in the house.  While her journey may be rough as such a small heart deals with the loss of so many siblings, she still has so many life lessons to learn, so much growing to do, and so many more hills and valleys to climb, but hopefully the faith and strength of her parents will lighten the load; one way too heavy for a little one to bear.

We’ve all come through the fire and have lived to share our triumphs with others. With the world the way it is (natural disasters, man-made chaos, economic woes, religious strife and struggles for freedom and equality) long gone are the days in which someone can look you in the face during your moments of pain and say “just think, there’s someone out there worse off than you.”   We are surrounded by crisis and are impacted whether directly or indirectly and this indeed shapes our views and impacts our ability to overcome challenges and let God intercede in our lives to help ease the pain.

I am at a point in my life where I make a conscious effort not to ask God why as much because my faith allows me to understand and accept that he has a purpose and a plan for me. As I navigate life’s winding road, I offer this to you.  Look around you.  Don’t compare yourself to other but do reflect on what you see, what you feel and how your community, society and the world at large impact your life.  As your read the paper, chat with friends and family, watch TV or surf your latest gadgets for news and information, find a blessing in it all.  Count it all joy that each day you wake up with the will to fight, look at yourself as a trailblazer and know in your heart that when the chips are down you too can make it through the fire.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/03/09/2011-03-09_7_mennonite_children_killed_in_pennsylvania_fire.html

Tears of Joy

Yesterday we registered Tyler for Kindergarten.  As we walked into the registration area there were five sections and Tyler bounced from station to stations as an eager ‘soon to be’ Kindergartner would.  As I approached station one, I got a knot in my throat and my eyes began to tear up.  I said to myself “self, get it together, it’s only registration…in six months you’ll be the fool running behind the school bus crying on her first day.” 

I made it through the registration process, but I took a few minutes to reflect on what the next few months mean for our family as Tyler embarks on this new journey.  We’ve done our best to instill strong values in all of our children, a sense of respect for self and others and we take the time every day to stress the importance of education.  While I know in my heart that we’ve prepared her academically, I shudder to think about how she will manage some of the social challenges that I struggled to navigate as a student.

What will I do when she comes home crying after having her pig tails pulled or after being teased by the big kid in class?  How do I encourage her after she fails to get a desired part in a play or how do I show her how to use conflict management skills after her first playground tiff?  As a mom, I have to admit that I never really thought about the challenges of school beyond the homework until now. 

Again, I had another little moment with myself and I said “self, remember that you had wonderful guides throughout your elementary years…your mom and dad.”   At that moment of revelations, I was able to take a sigh of relief.  That’s exactly how I managed to overcome obstacles and be successful throughout my grammar school and high school years.  My journey wasn’t easy, by any means, but as I look back I can recall moments of encouragement, tough love and praise from both of my parents.  What was also a blessing is that my parents had different gifts in terms of how they raised and mentored us.  My mother was always good and kissing both physical and emotional wounds and my dad (although very stern) keep me inspired academically and always encouraged me to think outside of the box, long before the phrase was coined.

So, as a new chapter begins to unfold in my life and in Tyler’s, I won’t have to reinvent the wheel in terms of doing my part to ensure that our daughter embraces a holistic educational experience.  I will reflect on my own past and sharpen the tools inherited from my parents to make sure Tyler’s educational journey is a success.

PS: I’m going to not to make a fool of myself when she actually starts school, but check back on August 29^th to see how her first day really goes!

Black Love…Black Power

February is a special month…Black History, President’s Day and Valentine’s Day.  I thought about revisiting the issues of why Black History is celebrated during the shortest month of the year, but I’ve moved passed the assumption that the oppressor has only given us twenty eight days to celebrate our rich history and understand that I have an obligation as an African American to make each day of the year one in which I reflect on our storied history and education my children about their ancestors.  In the words of Carter G. Woodson, I have not allowed one to control my mind and in turn control my actions, thus this would not make for a good blog/commentary.

So I thought about President’s day and how I could tie that into my role as a mother and I reflected on leaders from Lincoln to Kennedy, to Clinton to our first African American, Obama who is now struggling with unrest on the political front as well as unrest worlds away.  

Then I looked at the most commercialized celebration of the month, Valentine’s Day.  I’m over getting last-minute, marked-down gifts, flowers sent to work and trying to squeeze in a romantic dinner while sequestering the kids in the basement with video games.

What then is there to be said about this month…as a mother?  That is what my blog is about, right?  Well, it came to me; black love and black power. That was the common thread as I looked at the calendar on the wall, which reminded me of the month long commitment to reading for my daughter’s school, the many doctor’s appointments, science fair and invention projects due, the workshop and commitment to church activities, working to meet a publication deadline and of course, carving out time for what is most important –the children and family in my life.

As a black woman and mother, I hope to have the spirit of Rosa Parks and Fannie Lou Hamer, the power to lead and commitment to my civic duty like Maxine Waters and Carol Mosley Braun, and the strength and fortitude to walk a different path like Mae Jemison and Leontyne Price.  I want to have the courage to teach, the vision to empower when others don’t see a way, the faith to love unconditionally and the child-like freedom to continue to fantasize and dream the impossible dream.

Those African American’s who have shaped our history, some giving life or limb, may not have recognized their power as the very moment when they were fighting for equality, civil rights, or peace, but they had the love in their hearts for themselves, this country and others to march on.  So to you I say thank you.  Thank you for showing me how to be a mother, activist, educator and spiritual force from within.

Celebrate this country, black history, black love and black power.

The Power of Words and Civil Discourse Starts at Home

The Arizona Sheriff said it best (although he’s facing some tough criticism for editorializing)...”the anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous.” I’m not certain that the issues will be addressed in a manner that that will usher in a new tone when it comes to political discourse, but this incident has gotten people talking.  As a read through some of the posts on my FB page the finger pointing at political parties was front and center, however, as I reflected on the toxic political tone that is sweeping this country, what came to mind what when and where do we learn the power of words and the sometimes negative impact of our free expression?

This incident has cast a glaring light on the venomous nature of politics.  While this is not a new phenomenon, it begs the question, why so much anger, why so harsh, why so relentless in our effort to convey one’s own political views and/or position on issues concerning this nation.  According to an Associate Press article, some suggests that politics has become too personal, while other believe that a year-long debate over health care (and other issues) along with numerous emotionally charged town hall meetings may have set the tone for the tragic event in Arizona. 

According to Democratic Rep. Raul Grijalva, whose Arizona district also includes parts of Tucson, "Anger and hate fuel reactions." He went on to say that the nation must assess the fallout of "an atmosphere where the political discourse is about hate, anger and bitterness."

Beyond the political environment, where do we learn hatred, bitterness and anger? More often than not these things are learned at home. As a mother and educator, I’ve witnessed many uncivil acts amongst my children and the students I teach and advise almost on a daily basis.  From an innocent snatch of a toy, to a Tweet or FB post that bears all about someone’s personal life, to disrespectful comments made by students in front of faculty or staff, to arguments that ensure between peers during a classroom discussion…incivility prevails.  The old adage ‘if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all’ has been replace by ‘speak your mind [or put your thoughts in print] and any cost’.  

So how does this relate to our home lives?

Many of us are living and struggling to survive in households where there is little time to commit to educating our children about common courtesy, respect for elders or authority figures or to teach our young people how to engage in discourse that yields respect and understanding for diversity of thought and opinions. You may say to yourself, “I do this”, but what I’m getting at is that we should be doing this in a proactive educational manner rather than from a reactive posture when an incident occurs. Constant reinforcement of good behavior and looking at life for its teaching moments when the waters are calm are indeed more effective. The average parents begin the day frustrated and short on time (and patience) and when they return home from a job that has challenged them emotional and physically, they find themselves trying to manage hours of homework and/or extracurricular activities and other commitments which can cause anyone to fly off the deep end. I have to admit that some of my evenings end with me talking through my teeth and trying to get four kids from one place to another in one piece or I have to take a time out from homework because I’m frustrated or overwhelmed.  As we cycle through life we tend to forget that we have to arm our children with the ability to effectively utilize one of the most powerful gifts that God has given us…our use of words.  When we don’t model a communication behavior in our home that allows others to speak without interruption, that allows those who may not agree with us to speak freely and without fear of retribution, when we don’t teach the importance of being civically astute and not abusive in terms of our right to freedom of speech, when we believe that we are more effective when we yell, curse and belittle, when we lash out with our silence, when we let our nonverbal communication shut down someone’s thought process, we pass these traits on to our children, who in turn carry these traits with them into the real world and become disruptive community leaders, overly aggressive businessmen and women, callous politicians and religious leaders and careless educators. 

As a realist, I have to give consideration to the fact that life does harden us and at times makes us react from an ‘eye for an eye’ perspective, however I firmly believe that if the foundation for being able to effectively navigate a climate where incivility and disregard for human kind may exist is already in place and practiced, individually and collectively, we increase our chances of being able to engage in discourse without incident.

In November of 2010, the Chairman of the National Endowment of the Humanities, Jim Leach spoke at Delaware State.  His yearlong platform was a focus on incivility.  According to Chairman Leach, “In an era where declining civility increasingly hallmarks domestic politics and where anarchy has taken root in many parts of the world, it is imperative that cultural differences at home and abroad be respectfully understood, rather than irrationally denigrated.”   Now more than ever, our role as parents is increasing important.  We can no longer embrace the spirit of dysfunction as something that ‘has’ to exist because of the chaotic world in which we live, play and work.  We have a responsibility to raise children that can lead households and this nation with respect and candor not just for the things in which they believe but for this positions and platforms that are important to others.  Think about the next time one of your kids tells the other to shut up (which happened as I typed this blog entry).  Do you scream at the perpetrator or do you remind them in a stern way that the behavior and discourse is not appropriate or approved of in your home and that there will be a punishment if the behavior continues.  Think about the next time someone snaps at you at work.  Do you snap back or do you take a moment to collect your thoughts and respond in a civil manner despite the other person’s insensitivity and awareness of their poor communication style.  Think about the next time someone offers a religious or political opinion that is opposite of your view.  Do you go off on a diatribe that belittles the person and his or her entire religious community or political party or do you engage in a fair and equitable conversation that leads both participations to a better understand of the views?

Civil discourse has to start in our homes because what we learn at home undergirds our behavior in all facets of life.